I'm sat on my bed typing this with The Temper Trap's 'Sweet Disposition' on repeat and feeling strangely nostalgic. I feel like watching a sad black-and-white film/listening to piano solos.
I finished my exams this week and have pushed them to the back of my mind where they'll stay until results come out. Alone in an empty house, I've been left to my own devices and free to think almost every waking hour of the day, maybe too much. Doubts about the future have crept into my mind and the truth is, I'm scared I'm gonna get left behind.
This is the third year all my friends and I have been at uni. The third and final year of study for them but not for me. This does not give me a good feeling inside - the same feeling I get when I think of good times passed. Norah Jones' debut makes me cry because of this feeling as it reminds me of some of the best holidays of my life in the Sun of France, Spain and Italy and how they'll never happen again.
The fact is, the people closest to me are progressing with their lives and will go wherever their lives take them while I'm two years behind. This absolutely terrifies me. I can't help but ask myself how long it'll take them to think of me as their old friend who isn't relevant to their lives anymore. I guess I think that when the next academic year comes around I'll have no one left. This thought is perhaps more brutal for me because I haven't already had a flawless university experience. If I had the chance to do it all differently I'd take it in a heartbeat. With everyone moving on, it seems I'll go to France alone and come back after a year to a void where my old life used to be and be alone. This would probably be a fitting end to my studies.
I've even started to have worries about my fail-safes, friendships which have always been absolutely concrete, people I know I can always turn to. Amy for example, we don't spend the most time with each other but it's always been understood that we both need each other. I won't see her for ages but she'll text me something or I'll reread a post on Myspace (I love how no one uses it anymore. It's like a perfectly preserved time period of when I was an early teen) and it'll make me feel so much better, like I'm worth something. She gives me so much strength. Will this love affair fade? Will she ever tire of my life inexperience and outgrow me? I don't think I could bare it if we drifted apart. She's one I couldn't live without.
So yeah. Another less than perfect year passed and I still can't seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose this all boils down to a fear of loneliness but after a me-shaped hole is cut out of England come August, I'll just have to hope that hole will still be there when it's time for me to return. Hope that it will still be remembered. Is that too much to ask?