Saturday, 14 November 2009

Emotionally Detached.

Posting has admittedly been erratic at best recently. The reason being I've found it hard to drum up the motivation/inspiration to write a good post.

In all honesty, I feel a bit dead inside. It's like I'm waiting for something meaningful to provoke a strong emotional reaction. I'm sick of the usual, tired of the everyday.

It's Thursday the 5th, it's Dave's birthday. As predicted, the fireworks of Guy Fawkes Night have been shirked in favour of a night in 'gay town' (what we kids call the area of gay clubs in a city) with an unlikely group of his friends and some of their friends. Throughout most of the night I take refuge in the few I know well, rarely dipping into the polite superficial conversation needed for others. I'm just not in the mood - it's odd to think I actually make friends sometimes.

A few incidents of one of the group hitting on me and asking Dave if I'm a top or a bottom make me want to talk less to people. The guy in question is the most notorious player on the scene - I'd never go there. Moving on to the final club sees a few guys showing interest and that's when it hits me. Yeah some are attractive but I don't care. I literally don't care about getting with them. I don't think I'd get much enjoyment from it and I don't really care about their feelings. This applies in a big way to Mr. Six Doors Down as every time we slept together I felt like I was somewhere else. Completely not into it. Gone are the days where I used to run after guy who wasn't all that hot just because he showed interest. It's like I now need something more than just looks. I'm not sure what's happening here. Am I growing up?

This comes as a severe blow to my planned slaggy stage. Now I don't want to be in a relationship but it seems I won't just sleep with whoever either. I feel a bit lost. My internal engine, coughing and spluttering for a good while, has died once and for all and looks like it needs a vigorous kick start. The thing is though, I have no idea how I'm going to go about finding the increased emotional connection I so obviously crave. I feel like I'm singing the chorus of Leighton Meester's Somebody To Love and I want someone to sing Robin Thicke's part to me (to be fair I'd be happy with Robin Thicke singing anything to me - he's sexy as hell). These days it's got to the stage where I know too many people on the small Liverpool gay scene, personally or by reputation, and they in turn know everyone else. It's like it's impossible to meet someone you know nothing about, impossible to have a completely private relationship.

To complicated things I've been getting texts from an unknown number. The first one was 'Hey big boy x'. After me asking who the sender was and them refusing to tell me but instructing me to ring in five minutes saying that they had a 'surprise for me' I said I'd rather sleep through my hang over and haven't texted back since. I don't know who this person is but if they're trying to hit on me they're going the wrong way about it. The only lead I have is that the person keeps calling me 'Tommy' in the texts. The only person I can think who calls me Tommy is the coach. This is not good.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Emotionally Attached.

So I've been seeing a guy for a while now who lives about 6 doors down from me. After a few 'chats' where I've explained I don't want anything serious and that I'm not willing to be exclusive, he's argued extensively with me and said we should end it. Then he's come running back saying that he'll do everything on my terms. Each time this has happened I see a 'Danger' sign flashing in my head as he's obviously ignoring his true feelings and is going to get too involved which will inevitably lead to a mess when I end things. I previously thought he could handle it but:

It's Thursday. I'm due to go to a house party for Mr. Six Doors Down's housemate's birthday. I've already explained that I am in no way going as his 'guest' but of my own accord. He responds to this by pretty much ignoring me for about two hours. It gets to about half twelve and we all decide to move on into town (i.e. the party is awful) and suddenly he's showing attention again. I act a bit uninterested and decline his offers to buy me a drink in each of the bars we go in but I'm fairly at ease with the situation. This is until his mate comes over and starts insulting me and saying things like 'Everyone thinks you're just the posh boyfriend.' I know he's drunk and just trying to be funny but there are two very wrong things in that sentence. 1. I'm not posh - how would he know anyway, he's Irish. I think people get that impression cuz i'm nice and articulate, but my dad was a farmer and I'm a northerner born and bred, 2. He actually used the 'B' word. There are clearly some serious issues I need to deal with.

This is further emphasised by the fact his other mate come up to me and asks if we almost 'broke up' last week, referring to an argument we had. I carefully reminded her that you have to be together to break up, turned around and fought my way to the bar. Not a good start to the night. I'm still optimistic things will pick up as we move on to the gay bars.

I meet up with other people and have fun with them but I can always feel Mr. Six Doors Down's presence close by. It's making me uncomfortable. There are two potential people I could at least kiss or exchange numbers with but I feel like I shouldn't in front of him. In the after hours bar I'm talking to a guy and the owner of one of the clubs comes over and pulls me aside. It's the rival to the club I used to work at (yeah, used to) and he tells me he wants to buy me a drink and that he knows I'll go home with him. I politely refuse but he goes to the bar anyway. I follow him and tell the barman not to accept his money and I pay for it myself. He tries it on a couple more times so I make it clear that nothing's going to happen and leave.

Much to my surprise Mr Six Doors Down is stood outside by himself - waiting for me? He says we should get a taxi together and we do. We get out where we live and ok, this bit's a bit hazy but we have a massive argument. He says something which makes me angry and I end up literally screaming at him. So loud that people start turning their lights on and looking out their windows seen as it's around 5am. I'm not really sure what my counter argument is but it's a good one and shuts him up. We say we'll talk tomorrow and go our separate ways and I'm left feeling like an awful person.

Since then things have been a bit weird between us. I've clearly gone off him in a large way and he hasn't and therefore doesn't quite know how to deal with it. When we see each other out it's really awkward, made decidedly worse when he tries to kiss me and I back away. I don't really know how to deal with this.