Monday, 28 September 2009

The Cheating Curve.


"Is cheating like the proverbial tree in the forest, that it doesn't exist if there's no one around to catch you?" - Carrie Bradshaw. Sex and the City: Season 2, Episode 6.

I am fast becoming a really bad person and am probably gonna find this out for myself at some point in the near future. In other circumstances I'd defend myself, make excuses and blame this on many things such as:

1. The fact that my job basically showcases me to the gay community.

2. Ty starting uni has meant he's been neglectful.

3. There's an insanely hot guy involved.

I'm past making excuses though. It's all on me. This is not to say I've cheated already but the way things are in my head it looks like I've rationalised that it's the best option. I can't for the life of me think how I've managed to do that.

It's Friday. I'm walking home from work at about half 2 in the morning and a hot drunken Irish man bumps into me and asks if I have his Blackberry. This somehow leads to me walking him home, him giving me a tour of where he lives (an amazing apartment block converted from an old church) and trying to kiss me and get me in his bed. I refuse saying that I have a boyfriend of course and keep telling myself that I only accompanied him to make sure he didn't get lost, raped or killed. This isn't true though. I think I just wanted to see if I could go through with it and not do anything with him. Despite many opportunities, I managed to refrain. I'm proud.

It's Saturday. I'm working again. It's coming to the last hour of my shift and as well as seeing many disgustingly unattractive people there have also been one or two hotties. One such hottie walks down and just stands next to me as I'm heckling people to go into the club and shouting drinks offers. This doesn't look too odd seen as it's 1 am on a Saturday - people everywhere. When he doesn't move for a while I ask him if he's having a good night. He responds with a drunken, fairly ambiguous answer and we get talking. At first I think he's a cocky twat who thinks he can get what he wants. Then, as we talk more, I realise he is in fact a cocky twat who thinks he can get what he wants.

Despite repeated insults I stand my ground and give him as good as he gets and it slowly breaks away to barely concealed flirting. It's hot. There's so much heat between us it's untrue. After yet more endless banter he comes and stands about a centimetre away from me. He stares into my eyes, tells me I have a beautiful smile and then leans in for a kiss. Much to my surprise I pull away quickly and tell him that I can't kiss him whilst I'm on duty and that rules are rules. He accepts this and is like 'What about later?' I tell him that I'm not kissing him tonight and that he's probably just looking for a quick shag. He says that he's not like that and that he won't leave until he has my number. I give him my number. Every moral fibre in my body is telling me to let him know I have a boyfriend. I don't.

So yeah. Shoot me now. We've kinda been texting. He's probably the most perfect guy ever. He works at a dance academy and teaches everything from street dance to hip hop etc. and before you ask, he's in amazing shape - I could tell that from a mile off. He loves his job and is so proud of the kids he teaches. He says he's been messed around by a lot of guys and that he's sick of it. He's also a man. Knows what he wants, goes after it.

My boyfriend doesn't return any of my calls or texts and thinks it's perfectly acceptable to say he's too busy for me to visit but then have his friends from home visit him. He also only rings me when he's waiting for someone/something or travelling somewhere. When he's on the phone to me, more often than not, he'll talk to someone else for ages while I'm still on the other end of the line and completely ignore me. This, however, does not mean that I am at all in the right. I'm just in a bad situation. I'm gonna have words with him. After a ridiculously short period of time, it's not working out. I'm clearly really bad at relationships and/or life.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Welcome to The Future...


You'd think it'd be a safe bet that my favourite website on the whole of the Internet was porn related. Surprisingly enough, it isn't.

I found Future Timeline a while ago whilst satisfying my urge to search for information about skyscrapers and urban developments. I have to say I'm kinda hooked on it. I've read it through 'cover-to-cover' at least five times over and because there's so much information there's bound to be something I've forgotten or skipped over previously. It also has regular updates and is slowly filling the gaps between what will happen from now until the end of the universe.

It may not be accurate, it may not always be completely scientifically correct, but I think it's amazing. It uses various sources around the Internet to back up much of what it predicts and references everything. This ensures that it isn't just fairytale but actual possibility. I just find it so interesting to see what kind of technologies may be available to us in the future. I get ridiculously excited about it.

I'm such a geek.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Deeper down the rabbit hole.


Recently my life's been kinda crazy. There's so much to write about so I'm gonna skim over the dull, boring bits so I can get to the good, juicy bits.

I found out I failed last Thursday. This was of course a massive shock seen as I worked ever so hard all year. In a day I sorted my life out. I found a place to live and soon enough traded a mate's sofa with
a bed I can call my own. I also got a job. That's the interesting part.

It's Thursday. Shirtless barman is working at his club and I'm out with Dave amongst other people so we inevitably spend most of our time in that particular club. The night wears on and despite not having the best time ever we stay until closing time. It turns out that all that's left is a small group of us including the drag queen DJ and bar staff. Thanks to Dave's link with Mr. Shirtless Barman we're invited to a private room downstairs for 'after-hours drinks'.

It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Through double doors we're met with a sauna, weights area, private bar, jacuzzi and a screened off room with leather sofas and a flat screen TV - I assume this is where they watch porn and have orgies. I'm still off my face a bit but taken aback by everything all the same. At this stage I'm feeling a bit like Alice in my very own wonderland. We sit on a circle of sofas and chat and there's a mixture of drink a
nd drugs going on around the room. It's completely bizarre. Not wanting to do anything too hardcore Dave and I decide to leave early, not before me being offered a job. They say I should start the following day. It all happens so fast.

Ok so the job isn't the best in the world - I'm PRing outside the club. Basically I'm one of those really annoying people who tries their very best to make you go inside and spend money. It's not even particularly good pay either. I'm ashamed to say the reason I'm doing it is because taking a job like this means you're well and truly on the scene. Everyone either knows your name or wants to know it, that's guaranteed after a month or so. Already I feel like I'm falling far into the gay world, gathering speed. However, there are a few things that worry me:

1. The management staff scare me a lot. They're a bunch of seedy gays, their natures perfectly illustrated by the fact that when I had to get changed in front of three of them they made me turn around so they could stare at me without a shirt on. I feel like I'm too innocent to be violated in this manner.

2. The owner is the type that'd be like 'take off your shirt or you're fired'. I kno
w that's illegal but I just don't wanna be in that situation. I'd of course say no and leave.

3. There is the possibility of me developing a serious addiction to coke/crystal meth/smack. Not good.

4. The room downstairs is basically made for various sex acts. I may actually just end up sleeping with everyone, contracting HIV and dying. I'm not sure I can help myself.

Point four is emphasized by the fact that after just two shifts I've been offered sex about 15 times. A man even drove up in his car, wound down the window and thinking I was a rent boy, asked if I wanted 'some fun'. Not too long after that incident an old man wouldn't leave me al
one, kept saying I was 'absolutely gorge' and repeatedly tried to hold my hand saying it would 'make him hard'. I was mortified.

In a less horrific sense, the temptation to cheat on the first boyfriend I've ever had is mounting steadily. One of the few attractive barmen obviously went through a lot of effort to find out my full name so he could add me on Facebook. A quick look on his profile and among a conversation with one of his mates he said:

"I was working in (the club) last night and this lad came in and you know were ye just melt on the spot. he was v fit, he works there ha, i'll just quietly stalk ha xx"

That's about me! No one's ever said they 'melted' when they saw me before! I can't stop thinking about it. His mate replied:

"Sicko....do yu not learn anythin!
why stalk when yu can pounce? especially if he works in there with yu! i just fuked off the lad i was seein coz he was a head fuk! when have i ever bin so strong :]
GO FOR WHAT YU WANT MRRRR!! dont be a looooser haha xx"

To which he responded:

"Hahaha naaah hes outa my league! go you being head strong. i hate head fucks, theyre confusing and play too many games! cant beleive how much of a fitty he was ha, he's prob got a bf. xx"

Ok so firstly, why can no one spell/type correctly anymore? Secondly, the barman who said this is hot. Thirdly, I have a boyfriend. Ty is far too cute to fuck around. He's been cheated on by both of his ex boyfriends. I hope I'm not like that. I have every intention of being monogamous but the thing is, I don't know myself well enough to predict things at all. Having never been in this kind of situation, who knows how far my conscience will stretch? When it comes to the crunch I myself am not even sure how heartless I can be when faced with a willing male I'm attracted to. Here's hoping I don't mess everything up. I'm gonna need your prayers.

Friday, 11 September 2009

Meeting the parents.


So, after being at home and basically coming out for the second time, I travelled back to Liverpool Wednesday night. I went to the cinema with a friend and stayed at theirs and then realising I still have nowhere to live I thought that I may as well take advantage of my boyfriend (it still feels weird saying that) and his double bed in Helsby.

I end up asking Ty if he's free on Thursday night and if he'd want me to come over. He says that he's having a barbecue with some friends and that they really want to meet me. I clearly haven't thought this through. Not only will I be meeting his friends for the first time, not at uni yet, Ty is still living with his mum and step dad. Come 6 pm I'm absolutely terrified. I fix myself up as best I can and wearing a baby blue t shirt which I'm hoping brings out my eyes, I walk down to catch the train from Liverpool Central Station to Chester where I'll change for Helsby. Arriving at Chester station with four big bottles of Jacques cider in a bag in one hand and over-night stuff in the other, I realise I can't deal with this situation in completely sober state and lock myself in a cubicle in the station toilets. In my twenty five minute layover I down one of the bottles, purchase chewing gum from the nearby shop and try my best to board the correct train.

That was a BAD decision. I'm now fairly drunk on a train I've never been on before on my way to meet my bofriends friends for the first time. Throughout this last leg of the journey I repeatedly ask myself why I'm so much of a social retard I feel I need to get drunk to meet people.

Ty meets me at the station with one of his friends. She doesn't seem too happy to see me but I'm not in a state to care too much. From there we go to a pub and meet three more of his friends and then drive to the nearest Tesco in search of meat for the barbecue. I try my best to be pleasant and strike the balance between being too outspoken and too quiet. It seems to work as they do warm to me despite the fact that they all clearly have very strong personalities in comparison to my shy nature.

Meal plans quickly deteriorate into ordering pizza due to it rapidly getting dark so we make our way to one of their houses and drink and chat. At various points I'm bombarded with questions about myself. I handle these well, reminding myself that I am the oldest person in the room and should be able to deal with everything. I'm also a bit drunk. The hours go by and soon enough it's just myself and Ty stumbling to his house, me praying that neither his mum or step dad are still awake.

We get there and I'm half disappointed. His mum's still awake. In spite of myself I do want to meet her. I mean this is a bit earlier than planned, it's only been a week since we've been together, but I hate the fact that Ty does most of the leg-work in our relationship and thought it was about time I went to him. Meeting his parents is just a by-product of this. Unavoidable. I say my 'Hello' and 'Nice to meet you' in the most polite way I can muster whilst she eyes me up skeptically. I think she realises it's too late for a full vetting and Ty shunts me off upstairs to his room. It's cute apart from the green walls with red skirting boards, picture rails and radiator. Ever heard the rhyme 'Red and green should never be seen'? That applies here so much so that the decor is kinda hurting my eyes a bit. Yeah alright, I'm a snob but my mum is the queen of all things pastal and colour matches to perfection. This, however, is made up by a huge squashy, comfortable double bed which we both fall into, exhausted.

Now I'm not really sure what the protocol is for having sex and doing stuff while a guy's parents are in the house. I soon find out though as things get heated and Ty sucks me off evidently with the intention of getting me off. I stop him and say 'That's gonna make me be loud. I really don't wanna be loud.' He tells me to 'Be a rebel' and 'Take a risk'. I tell him that if he says more things like that I'll knock him out. He laughs and slowly gets to work on persuading me not to be so cautious. Whatever he does it works and despite hearing his mum in the other room I gradually start to care less and less about how much noise I'm making. After we've both 'finished' I can't help but imagine his mum saying 'Who is this older boy who comes into my home and defiles my son?' It's a thought that continues to haunt me while I sleep.

The next morning I'm woken by a man's voice on the other side of the door saying 'Get up you lazy bastards. Do you think this is some kind of hotel?' I take this to be his step dad and bearing in mind I know he's been in prison, even these words in a non serious tone are enough to send chills down my spine. I have to admit, the prospect of meeting him scares me a lot but I'm definitely not willing to show it. When it comes to actually getting up (Ty can sleep forever in the morning which generally leaves me lying awake, stomach crying out for food, for hours) we're in a rush to get to the train station but just as we're leaving I spot the film Meet the Parents on the top of the TV. I'm ever thankful my experience has been nothing as dramatic as that. Out the door I stop and say 'Am I not going to meet your step dad?' Ty assures me that it's best I don't even after my protests. I just think it's extremely rude to be in someone's house and not even see them. It's like I'm trying to sneak around or something.

The long walk that follows reveals a lot of things. It sounds to me as though Ty's had the life I've always wanted. As he points out the places where him and his mates used to play at the ages of eight, ten, tweleve, fourteen, it makes me think about my childhood. I never really had friends where I lived. I wasn't the most out going of children and generally found it hard to make friends a the best of times. Throughout high school I fell into the 'geek' category and don't really have any exciting stories to tell of my younger years as they were mostly spent indoors, alone. Now I've left much of this person behind. I don't think the people I meet now would be able to guess the person I used to be as, as far as I'm concerned, it is a different person. I just find it strange that me and Ty have reached similar points in our lives via completely different paths - it's just taken me two years longer. This is not to say that we're similar inside just what we show people. I'm completely sure that he doesn't carry half the craziness and insecurities I do.

I finally catch the train and spend the long journey back to Liverpool with thoughts of the impressions I made on his friends and mum. I hope to god they're good ones as one thing I cannot deal with is people thinking I'm inadequate. I know he's spending the day with them tomorrow and have every intention of ringing him so he can dish the dirt on what they thought of me.

Saturday, 5 September 2009

The house hunting game.


Seen as I have absolutely nowhere to live at the moment and have failed my exams another year in Liverpool looks to be on the cards. I admit, I've jumped the gun a bit by searching online for flat/house shares as I don't have results yet but there's no harm in being prepared, right?

A couple of days ago during my search I stumbled across a website called 'Pride Roommates'. I couldn't help myself so I followed each section and ended up signing up and to be honest, I'm kinda shocked at the whole set up of everything. I know looking for a room/roommate is a big deal because you're gonna be living with these people but having to put down in-depth details in an intricate profile seems a bit far - one person's already asked me to send them a photo of myself. Apart from being in disbelief for a bit because of this it also makes me wonder - since when did searching for a room become so much like searching for a relationship?

This website also sports quotes from 'real' users who have successfully found the perfect place to live/person to live with. One even says that him and his flatmate started dating and are still together after 3 months, apparently eternally grateful that they found each other through the website. I just can't believe that a selling point for the website is that you may potentially find your other half as a by-product of finding somewhere to live. Am I the only person that thinks it just should not be done like that? I might be being narrow minded here as after all, our lifetyles are so fast these days that who's to say you can't skip the first few months of your relationship and move in with each other straight away? Weird.

I, however, will not be looking for love on flatshare websites for a number of reasons, one being that Ty is now officially my boyfriend. He came round Thursday night, we went out and just happened to be where shirtless barman works for part of the night. Don't worry though, I wasn't all over Ty or anything. To the average onlooker we were just friends - I definitely wouldn't have stooped to that level - and the fact that shirtless barman was there had no effect on my relationship status. Although it's gonna look like that to a lot of people, I haven't just jumped to the nearest guy because I want to prove to everyone I can get a man.

Anyway, we were talking afterwards and I basically told him that I knew I wasn't going to France and that, staying in England, I would not want to see anyone else. This is all true. I turned a corner that night. Seeing Ty for the first time in 6 weeks jolted me a bit and pushed me in what I hope is the right direction. He said that he feels the same so we basically just agreed - obviously really romantic. The morning after I had a bit freak out. He was still asleep next to me and I couldn't help thinking thoughts like 'What does he expect from me now?' and 'What if this ends badly?' I'm absolutely terrified of a bad break up. I don't think I could deal with that. I've kinda got things under control in my head now though and have just decided to go with the flow.

I still haven't spoken to Dave. This is becoming far too drawn out for my liking. I'm worried that when I actually do speak to him I'll have forgotten why I was mad at him and not say any of the things that need to be said. I need to speak to him soon. I'm going out again tonight, seen as I obviously have nothing else to do, and I've got a feeling he's gonna be out as well. That'll be fun.

I also told one of my oldest friends I'm gay today. I was sat on the sofa comtemplating it after we'd spoken on the phone - he's just got back from America. I felt just as sick as I had done telling coming out to Amy almost two years ago. It just doesn't get easier. He's been acting so ok about it it worries me. I always want people to get everything off their chest and ask me what they want but he's just been like 'Yeah, whatever.' I'm gonna have to actually see him in person next week as he's insisting we meet up. Despite almost bringing my lunch back up at this thought I'm glad it's happened. It means I can actually be his friend again rather than avoiding him. This is progress.

My usual walking route to the train station takes me past a block of offices with always the same man at the reception desk. Since I came back to Liverpool four weeks ago the desk has been empty but Thursday night, walking down to meet Ty, there he was like he'd never been away. I hope this means that things are finally looking up.