It's Tuesday. Dave hasn't spoken to me since the Thursday night we went out and ran into Mr. Shirtless Barman and I'm starting to get a bit annoyed that he's not answering my phone calls seen as he has my coat and the weather has taken a turn for the worse. Coatless and feeling snubbed I'm sat in the library when I receive a text from him saying:
'Hey you! I know I haven't really spoken recently but I have to tell you this. . . . . . I know you got (shirtless barman)'s number a bit ago and you wanted fun with him and stuff but we've been talking for a while and we've decided to give it a go and see!! Miss you mate. I wanted to tell you myself btw but I was too scared to say it on the phone. xxxx'
Don't be fooled by the jovial tone of the text, I know Dave well enough to know that it's a total ruse to get what he wants. All in all this makes me feel like absolute shit. A few mini-mental breakdowns and spontaneous outbursts of screaming later, I finally sent him this message on Facebook yesterday:
Sorry I haven't texted back but I've been kinda busy with resits and stuff so I was like 'Right, I'll talk to Dave when I've thought about everything' and I literally haven't had chance. I'm also not texting you this cuz I've got the feeling it's gonna be pretty long and I know you're at Creamfields.
What you texted me obviously doesn't make me feel the best ever but it's not like you stole my boyfriend or anything so I'm sure I'll get over it. It also comes as a bit of a shock to be honest seen as your exact words when I pointed him out were 'Er, he's not hot'.
Not really sure why you couldn't have just rung me beforehand and been like 'I wanna make a go of it with (shirtless barman)'. That would've been far better I reckon.
Other than that you've shown in the past that you're not too bothered about my feelings so I'm pretty sure telling you my opinion wouldn't really change anything - and let's face it, whatever I'd have said, you'd still have done what you wanted. You'd just have lied about it. I'm not gonna try and make you feel guilty about it all either cuz it well wouldn't work, you just care about Steph having a go at you for everything.
Anyway, thinking about it kinda tires me out so I can't really be arsed caring. I'm clearly absolutely AWFUL with men so you may as well take advantage of that. I'm happy for you and I'm sure it'll work out.'
Yeah ok, there's a whole lotta spite in there but it all needed to be said. I'm just so exhausted about everything. He's continued to treat me like shit and stamp on my feelings ever since we met and I'm so sick of it. Not really sure what he'd message back, I was hoping for something with a bit more sympathy and understanding. Instead he said this:
'Don't be so bloody serious YOU, it's me you fanny!!!!!! Don't feel so down about everything........... and what's happened has happened I know!!!! Don't be a ninny, it's me....... and btw, I don't feel bad about (shirtless barman) cuz you liked about 6 lads at the time lol!!!! Anyway, you have to come round this week, AND GOOD LUCK FOR ALL THE EXAMS (you not thinking about stuff until after the exams was a good move btw matey) Love you yano mate, I do!!!!! (and I know you know that too) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx'
Again, don't be fooled by the good natured tone, it's all with ulterior motive. He's shown that he not only doesn't care that I feel bad but also wants to make me feel like a fool because of it. Me of about 6 months ago would have crumbled at this stage, before this stage in fact, and apologised for acting so silly and asked if he would forgive me. He still thinks I'm like that but I've grown up a lot since then. I'm not gonna take this. Apart from sending him a message back telling him exactly how I feel I need for him not to be in my life for a bit.
Some of you may think I'm being a bit over dramatic and maybe I am but right now I don't care. I need to do this for me. I need to get out from under Dave's constant shadow. He always wants me to be second best, the least attractive, the least wanted, the least well known, the least loved and I can't deal with it anymore. I've realised that he works constantly to keep me alone and there for him all the time. I'm not saying he stole shirtless barman just so I wouldn't have him but on some level I'm sure that was a plus point. I'm just at a loss at how he thinks it's completely acceptable to do what he wants as long as he acts apologetic.
I'm fighting a strong urge to systematically destroy him and his confidence, like he's been doing to me piece by piece.