Monday, 31 August 2009

Betrayal and anger.

It's Tuesday. Dave hasn't spoken to me since the Thursday night we went out and ran into Mr. Shirtless Barman and I'm starting to get a bit annoyed that he's not answering my phone calls seen as he has my coat and the weather has taken a turn for the worse. Coatless and feeling snubbed I'm sat in the library when I receive a text from him saying:

'Hey you! I know I haven't really spoken recently but I have to tell you this. . . . . . I know you got (shirtless barman)'s number a bit ago and you wanted fun with him and stuff but we've been talking for a while and we've decided to give it a go and see!! Miss you mate. I wanted to tell you myself btw but I was too scared to say it on the phone. xxxx'

Don't be fooled by the jovial tone of the text, I know Dave well enough to know that it's a total ruse to get what he wants. All in all this makes me feel like absolute shit. A few mini-mental breakdowns and spontaneous outbursts of screaming later, I finally sent him this message on Facebook yesterday:

Sorry I haven't texted back but I've been kinda busy with resits and stuff so I was like 'Right, I'll talk to Dave when I've thought about everything' and I literally haven't had chance. I'm also not texting you this cuz I've got the feeling it's gonna be pretty long and I know you're at Creamfields.

What you texted me obviously doesn't make me feel the best ever but it's not like you stole my boyfriend or anything so I'm sure I'll get over it. It also comes as a bit of a shock to be honest seen as your exact words when I pointed him out were 'Er, he's not hot'.

Not really sure why you couldn't have just rung me beforehand and been like 'I wanna make a go of it with (shirtless barman)'. That would've been far better I reckon.

Other than that you've shown in the past that you're not too bothered about my feelings so I'm pretty sure telling you my opinion wouldn't really change anything - and let's face it, whatever I'd have said, you'd still have done what you wanted. You'd just have lied about it. I'm not gonna try and make you feel guilty about it all either cuz it well wouldn't work, you just care about Steph having a go at you for everything.

Anyway, thinking about it kinda tires me out so I can't really be arsed caring. I'm clearly absolutely AWFUL with men so you may as well take advantage of that. I'm happy for you and I'm sure it'll work out.'

Yeah ok, there's a whole lotta spite in there but it all needed to be said. I'm just so exhausted about everything. He's continued to treat me like shit and stamp on my feelings ever since we met and I'm so sick of it. Not really sure what he'd message back, I was hoping for something with a bit more sympathy and understanding. Instead he said this:

'Don't be so bloody serious YOU, it's me you fanny!!!!!! Don't feel so down about everything........... and what's happened has happened I know!!!! Don't be a ninny, it's me....... and btw, I don't feel bad about (shirtless barman) cuz you liked about 6 lads at the time lol!!!! Anyway, you have to come round this week, AND GOOD LUCK FOR ALL THE EXAMS (you not thinking about stuff until after the exams was a good move btw matey) Love you yano mate, I do!!!!! (and I know you know that too) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx'

Again, don't be fooled by the good natured tone, it's all with ulterior motive. He's shown that he not only doesn't care that I feel bad but also wants to make me feel like a fool because of it. Me of about 6 months ago would have crumbled at this stage, before this stage in fact, and apologised for acting so silly and asked if he would forgive me. He still thinks I'm like that but I've grown up a lot since then. I'm not gonna take this. Apart from sending him a message back telling him exactly how I feel I need for him not to be in my life for a bit.

Some of you may think I'm being a bit over dramatic and maybe I am but right now I don't care. I need to do this for me. I need to get out from under Dave's constant shadow. He always wants me to be second best, the least attractive, the least wanted, the least well known, the least loved and I can't deal with it anymore. I've realised that he works constantly to keep me alone and there for him all the time. I'm not saying he stole shirtless barman just so I wouldn't have him but on some level I'm sure that was a plus point. I'm just at a loss at how he thinks it's completely acceptable to do what he wants as long as he acts apologetic.

I'm fighting a strong urge to systematically destroy him and his confidence, like he's been doing to me piece by piece.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Not so untouchable.

Recently I've taken a liking to sitting in toilet cubicles, staring at the enclosed space and thinking about my life. To have the walls tower above you while you're sat with your knees up on the top of the toilet for some reason really puts things into perspective for me. This scene has been even more inviting today for someone that knows they've failed their resits and therefore won't be going to France for the coming year. I mean, it's not like I've got the results yet or anything and I've only sat one exam, but I know I've failed and I'm never wrong.

In my head I should be freaking out but I'm not. I mean I have no accommodation planned and I definitely won't be wanting to return home. There is also the fact that I've failed a year. But all I can think about is how this puts me in a dilemma, do I continue to work towards the rest of my resits knowing I've failed? Both you and I know what the sensible answer to that is but I am clearly not a very sensible person when it comes to exams. Right now, for some strange reason, Girls Aloud lyrics are stuck in my head from their song 'Untouchable':

Without any meaning,
we're just skin and bone,
like beautiful robots dancing alone.

Thinking about it they're kinda appropriate because they echo my state of mind at the moment. I feel like I've lost purpose. I'm not sure how to go about rebuilding my life. Yeah ok, I haven't lost a person close to me or been through a natural disaster or anything but it's still a set-back.

I brought it on myself, a really long run of awful decision making and lack of discipline. The only thing left to do now is deal with the consequences.

It's odd to see the projected outcome of things before they happen. I already know what's coming and will now see it all unfold. I'll sit five more exams, leave early after methodically writing out each question like I'm going to attempt the answer, leave the correct amount of space but do no calculations. I'll chuckle to myself at how deep the hole I've dug myself is as I slowly trudge back to an empty house where I'll eat tasteless food and while away the hours rereading sections of a copy of Men's Health with titles like '10 Sex Things She'll Do This Summer', 'Is She Faking It?' and 'Give Great Oral' struggling to apply them to my own life, then I'll sleep alone in a bed that doesn't belong to me.

I'm expecting negativity or inappropriate positivity from a lot of my friends when they find out. I've already got a reaction from Amy. She's holding down the proactive side of things and that's what I need the most. I knew I could count on her for that. She's my anchor. I don't want fake 'You may not have failed' which Steph will come up with or 'What a pickle' from others. If you're gonna tell me that please leave quickly through the nearest exit before I throw you out.

In any case, I'm pretty sure I can see storm clouds on the horizon and it feels like all I have is a sieve to keep from getting wet.

Friday, 21 August 2009

Dreams and desires.

I'm sat watching an altogether unknown series called Tripping Over. It's really good. I've also just passed up chocolate and crisps (chips to you Americans) for a bowl of tinned salmon, salad and extra-light mayonnaise as a late evening snack. I can be so disciplined when it comes to food it makes me wonder why I'm not like that in more areas of my life. I just find it so easy to fight cravings and say 'no' to unhealthy meals. I think it's the masochistic side of me. Like in a twisted way I enjoy restraining myself from the happiness of fatty foods that taste amazing. Strange.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream about Ty. In the dream we were walking round a city with a group of other people and I kept losing him. This was really frustrating as he was the only person I really wanted to be with, I didn't really care about the other people. I woke up feeling dissatisfied and wondering what it meant. Well, I think that's pretty clear. This, and a few other things have made me break our stalemate. I hate saying that a dream was the motivation for me doing something but it just made me look at him differently. A lot of the reason I've had so much trouble with him is because of ME and MY insecurities. If I can't face up to them and get over myself then that's seriously something I have to work on. If I pass my resits then I want the last couple of weeks to be good. I want him to remember the best parts of me while I'm in France. If I fail them and have to stay in England then we'll take it from there.

I went out with Dave last night. It was the first night we'd gone out together in a while and it was fun. Coincidentally we started off in the club where the shirtless barman works and sure enough he was behind the bar. I have to say I dealt with the situation BADLY. I'd sent him a few drunken inappropriate texts throughout the week and he hadn't replied. So we go into the club, Dave spots him and because he knows him says 'Hey'. I blatantly ignore him. I spend the rest of the night trying my best to look as cool as I possibly can without looking like I'm trying. It's exhausting work and the night passes painfully slowly. I really don't know how to deal with everything so I do what I do best and ignore it. Shockingly enough, this does not get me what I want. Wow. Reading that back I sound like a spoilt slut. Maybe that's what I am. Bothered.

In other guy news, seen as I'm a whore, the hot guy who asked me for my number last Sunday added me on Facebook and hasn't texted me since looking at my profile. Lovely.

In reference to my last post I'm definitely leaning more towards sex maniac, however unsuccessful I am right now. I'm hoping that when the right guy comes along I'll be able to drop this act and adopt the perfect boyfriend role. Only time will tell if I'm capable of that in my current state of mind.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Sex maniac or housewife.

At the moment I'm on the verge of writing men off all together. Normally eternally and unjustifiably hopeful I'll find someone who fits me in at least some ways, I'm worried my past experiences are turning that hope into bitterness.

Thursday night brought a much needed break from revision but with consequences. Ty said he'd try and finish work early and come over for a night but then decided not to, not a good start, so I round up my friends and meet Dave and his group in a club. For some reason I'm just not into it all. Just not in the mood. I moodily stand by the bar, by myself, drinking double after double in the hope of killing some stress. I'm not usually like that, ever. The only thing making the night bearable is one of the shirtless barmen - in my non sober state I honestly think he's the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

As the night wears on I do start to get into it and have a bit of fun but my buzz is killed once again by a conversation with someone run into at the bar. I'm not really sure what brings this on but he starts trying to analyse me, telling me that I find it difficult to make eye contact with people, that I would rather sink into the background, that instead of playing people's wingmen I should accept attention from people etc. etc. In response I tell him, a slight edge in my tone, that I'm sure he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. He nods taking the hint not to continue and to make a point I hold eye contact for longer than usual. I then announce I'm leaving for the next club and gather everyone again. I realise the man is perfectly within his rights to tell me his opinion on my personality but I don't really want to hear what his thoughts are on my flaws in a club thank you very much. I try to forget it but despite my best efforts it weighs on my mind as the night continues.

In the next club I get left by Dave and his friends. They tell my they're going but I have a full drink and they're not willing to wait. I've left my friends on another floor and at that moment make no attempt to look for them. This is when I get verbally harrassed by a guy. Not in a bad way, all compliments, but he won't leave me alone even with my best 'I'm really not interested' act. He asks me if he can give me his number and won't take no for answer so I reluctantly accept, if only to get him off my back. He's not a bad looking guy but I just don't find him attractive and tell him he should maybe put his efforts into someone that does. This doesn't seem to phase him at all and he follows me to find my friends I give him no attention so he tells me to text him and that he's going home. I have no intention of doing the first and am extremely happy about the second.

From here we move on to an 'after hours' bar so I can run in to use the toilet but as I'm walking out I spot the beautiful barman from the club who's evidently just finished his shift. Due to me pretty much drinking myself into the floor during the previous hours and the negative words in my mind I go over as I'm walking past and the conversation goes something like this:

"Hey, you work at Destination don't you?"


"You're hot as fuck."

Not really wanting a reply seen as I don't really look right next to 'hunk' I walk out but just about catch "You're not too bad yourself" and I smile to myself. The following events are out of my control. Telling my friends outside, without my permission one goes in to get his number for me. I hate that, preferring to pluck up the courage myself if I think a guy is worth it but it gets the job done all the same.

Now we've texted a bit but he's playing it unbelievably cool. I'm struggling to get anything out of him really i.e. he's not interested or he wants me to chase him. Neither matter, they both produce the same outcome - me not doing anything. Last night, Ty also says that he might stay over seen as he's out in Liverpool. I tell him I'll wait up for him but not to leave letting me know what he decides too late. He rings me at half 4 and says he can't be arsed. He's making zero effort with this and I think it's time I stopped putting effort in too. If he wants it he can get up off his arse and get it. I'm not doing all of the work.

This has ultimately led to a complete and utter nosedive in my hope of finding someone. O.K. I'm staking a lot in having a relationship, maybe treating it like it's more important than it is, but I can't help thinking that the older I get the less likely I'll be able to sustain anything with a guy. This is not helped by the fact that Dave (who probably knows all the gays in Liverpool) keeps telling me that it's disgusting how everyone knows everyone else and has had sex with/dated everyone else, everyone's intertwined. Yeah ok that's bad to be a part of but I routinely catch myself wanting to be. If most people have slept with most other people why am I not part of it the twisted circle? I know I shouldn't be but I'm jealous.

The bottom line is that as relationships seem to drift further away from my grasp, this very fact is making me turn to emotionless sex. Not that I'm having any of it but there's a part of me that wants to be a slut and sleep with as many people as I can get my hands on, and that part of me is growing. Get it out of my system or ignore it and continue my search for Mr. Right? I seriously do not know.
Anyway, apologies. Library closing so no time to put pretty pictures or proof read. Lucky you.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009


I'm back in Liverpool and have been for a few days now. Electing to leave my laptop behind my only source of Internet is again the library. With resits looming I've been trying my best to put pen to paper and revise for the best part of every day. I'm unsure as to whether it's doing any good. I suppose time will tell.

Last night I took one of the most self inflicted emotional batterings I've ever had - I went to he cinema alone.

My plan was to arrive really early, buy my ticket for 'The Ugly Truth' from the least attractive person on the tills (to minimize the embarrassment of going to see a chick flick alone) and then sneak into a dark corner of an empty screen. This was ruined from the start. Feeling absolutely knackered from trying to use my brain all day I fall asleep not too long before I'm meant to leave. This makes me leave late, arrive at the cinema late, buy my ticket from the only attractive male staff member (and die of embarrassment) because his queue is shortest and then finally walk into a packed screen and have to negotiate my way through a sea of couples to find a seat. I'm sandwiched between two guys who have clearly been dragged to see the film by their girlfriends/wives as they keep giving me incredulous stares, noticing that I was there alone and by choice.

I spend the first ten minutes asking myself what I'm doing and why I'd not waited to see it with a friend but after a bit I settle into the film and calm down, reminding myself of the three main reasons I want to see it:

1. Chick flicks are my guilty pleasure.

2. The trailer shows Katherine Heigl being instructed how to get the guy she wants - I want tips.

3. I don't care about the rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

It wasn't as good as I thought it would be but it did have some mildly entertaining parts. Ultimately, the only thing I really learnt from it was that if you're yourself you will never get the guy you want. I'm not really sure that's the message the film attempts to put across and seen as I was kinda in a mood of manic depression I wouldn't trust it. I left the cinema and walked home feeling that Ty's recent claims of being busy all the time just mean that he's probably not interested anymore and that I'm going to die alone and should just get over it. This did not make me feel good.

A night's sleep hasn't really changed my opinion. Chained to the desk of the library isn't the best state to think optimistically. I miss him though and sincerely hope that he is actually just really busy. That never happens though, does it? That's the ugly truth.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

A few things you should know...

1. I have blue eyes.

2. The current contents of my wallet are:

one too many used train tickets,
a lot of change,
about eight pairs of cheap studs which make my ears gummy and which I've vowed never to wear again (yep, I wear earrings. I like to think I'm masculine enough to pull them off in a non-effeminate/non-scary way),
a credit card,
a debit card,
a University of Liverpool card,
a blood donor card,
a Waterstone's card,
a Voodou loyalty card,
the key for an unknown suitcase padlock,
a twenty pound note.

3. I generally always wear plain white socks unless I'm wearing a black suit (which isn't often). I'm not one for patterned socks even though I think they look good on other people.

4. At the moment if I were to turn straight for three women they'd be one of my best friend's Amy, Anna Friel and Sienna Miller. The last 2 will probably change tomorrow but the first is forever.

5. I have a thing for men in braces.

6. At the moment I'm wearing the fragrance L'homme by Yves Saint Laurent.

7. I'm don't really like watching any sports apart from tennis, which I follow obsessively. There's something about both the physical and mental side of the game which appeals to me a lot. I also like it because it's a one-on-one sport so if a player wins a match it's because they were better than the other player, not because of another person's misdoings. This is the reason I don't really watch team sports.

8. I love playing Scrabble.

9. If I have to use a car regularly within the next five-ten years of my life I'll probably think there's something wrong with where I'm living.

10. I stole some long, baggy boxers from this straight guy I think is hot and now use them to sleep in. Thinking about it, that's really creepy but I've grown quite attached to them.

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Viva España.

Post holiday depression sets in.

After two weeks in the sun, coming back to the cloudy, rainy, grey blur that is England is far from satisfying. That's not saying that everything was perfect for two weeks with the family because, in two words, it wasn't. That's to be expected though and I wouldn't normally have gone but my parents bought the plane tickets and told me that we needed to spen
d more time together and let's face it, it was a free holiday.

One of the biggest things I noticed while we were there is how broken we are. Sharing a villa with my auntie and uncle and my two cousins (around the same age as me and my sister) meant that we weren't forced to talk to each other and at the majority of opportunities, we chose not to.

Also, little things here and there betrayed our lack of closeness such as when we'd walk around towns and sites we visited my family would walk apart, staggered alo
ng the road, determined not to have contact with each other. This was in stark contrast to my cousins who would gladly walk arm-in-arm with their parents and laugh and joke, true happiness on their faces. It was uncomfortably clear that we hadn't really spoken in months but no issues were brought up as everyone kept to their trademark of 'sweeping all problems under the rug' and ignoring them. The only person oblivious of the goings on was my brother with the mind and innocence of an eight year old on his side. This just made me spend more and more time on my own enjoying the sun with music in my ears. No bad thing though, I kinda realised I'm not too bad company.

Like so many holidays I was taken on when I was younger, true to form, we did loads of cultural and religious things. At first I was surprised at how I'm now 20 but am still forced to look round cathedral after church after monastery. It isn't really something that interests me but I just dumbly walked around in silence and admired the architecture. Becoming more and more sick of this, when we visited Barcelona itself I withstood one cathedral and then decided to take off on my own. Armed with a map we'd picked up free at McDonald's, which I later ditched discovering it was really only useful for locating all the 'golden arches' in the city, I set off in search of the gay area of Barcelona. I'd done a bit of reading up beforehand but found it difficult to use what I'd read to navigate the narrow winding streets and with no map I almost gave up more than a few times. I said to myself that it had to be done and was research for my blog. I wasn't really expecting anything when I got there but just felt I had to so I could say that I'd been.

Countless wrong turns later I was faced with this scene (above right) and knew that I'd made it at last. I wandered the area and found some streets lined with rainbow flags marking gay businesses. It was strange, there were shops with a flag outside but no name and on closer inspection they'd turn out to be an x-rated gay DVD store or a sex shop. After much deliberation I plucked up the courage to enter one and was greeted with a seedy looking shop assistant who said something in Spanish, probably asking if I was looking for anything in particular, I said no, pretended to browse the DVDs for a bit then left. Far from as exciting as it could've been, I just found it all so surreal.

Leaving the area I took the opportunity to listen to loud music and wander the streets, exploring the Cituat Vella. Some
what appropriately I'd been reading Carlos Ruiz Zafón's The Shadow Of The Wind and enjoyed the fact that I'd walk down a street or across a square which I'd read about in the book just a few days earlier. It was the first book I'd read from start to finish in about two years, since I started uni. I suppose I've not really set time aside to reading even though I love it generally because I'm the slowest reader in the world and if I don't like a book, despite my best efforts, I lose interest quickly and can't bring myself to read any more of it. This book didn't need much effort to finish though as it was definitely a page turner.

So yeah, I haven't
seen Ty for over three weeks now. I've missed him. In the mean time we've texted and rung each other and I've stalked him on Facebook because I'm obviously a crazy psycho and for some reason looking at photos of him with all his friends having fun makes me feel really bad. I've spent my days wondering why and I've worked out that at his age (he's two years younger than me) he's everything I wanted to be. Me two years ago was a bit of a mess socially, visually and mentally but he seems to have everything sorted already. The only reason he's even looking at me now is because I've taken the two years I have on him and converted them into a step forward in maturity and self growth etc. I think I'm just really jealous. That's bad right?

Talking of jealousy and his youth, he's also been messaging Dave's ex a lot since they met. I know the main reason for this is because he's 23, has a proper job and is really hot so Ty is probably just amazed that he's showing interest in him and eager to reciprocate. It's just innocent flirting but messages and comments here and there make me feel like I've been thrown into an ice bath. I need to stop caring so much.

In spanish the phrase 'mi media naranja' is used for 'my other/better half' but literally translated it reads 'my half orange' indicating that a person and their partner are two halves of an orange. This sounds eternally romantic but I think it's safe to say that Ty and I probably aren't even the same type of fruit right now. But who knows what the future holds...