No longer a teenager.

Recently I've been getting into music like this, this and this. I'm not really sure if it's just a period of my life I'm going through but that kind of thing is really hitting my buttons right now.

The birthday weekend came and went and aside from spelling it out to my uni friends I made it clear that I didn't want them there and they made other plans. This left the night of four which surprisingly enough wasn't horrifically awful and despite empty clubs, extortionately priced drinks and unplayed song requests, I actually kinda enjoyed myself. It also put things into perspective in some ways as previously bewildered at the fact that I could only gather four people together to celebrate, I now realise that the people who matter to me the most are of real value, not the quantity. I should never be ashamed of the fact that the people I want to spend time with are few. Yeah I've subconsciously (in come cases consciously I'm sure) not kept people close but with good reason. It's tough coming out to a lot of people as I'm sure many of you know.

Thoughts have been focused and decisions have been made (you'd think I was solving world hunger or something), not alone I might add - friends and commenters have also played their part. As far as the coach is concerned, nothing's gonna happen. I've made it known I'm not interested because shockingly enough, I'm actually not. I think, after all the deliberation, after all the pointless whining, after everything, I may well be over it. I definitely won't be the only one saying 'thank fuck for that'.

Things with Ty are a bit more complicated. He's gone on holiday to Magaluf for a week which is a bit unfortunate seen as I leave for Barcelona before he returns. This means I won't see him for at least three and a half weeks meaning we won't be able to have 'the chat' for a while. I hate to say but I am kinda missing him. As casual as I've tried to make things out in my head,we have known each other for over three months now and been in contact every day. I am ultimately gonna tell him that I don't want anything serious when we do talk but I'm also worried that it'll put a damper on the last month with us both in the same country. I suppose it's just something I'm gonna have to do.

How much I like him has been all too apparent recently as I've been a bit of a jealous, angry wreck. Dave's ex, Mr. Perfect, came out with us last week meeting Ty for the first time. The two spent most of the night together much to my dismay. On top of that they've been talking on Facebook and being flirty. Yeah alright, we're not together, I get it, but it's just rude on Mr. Perfect's part. He should know better than to step on my turf. He likes being around people that don't talk back to him, people that don't call him on anything and just listen to the crap he has to say. That is exactly why we do not get on. We're civil but I don't have a problem taking him down a peg or two. Ty's nice and probably would have been quiet all night while Mr. Perfect droned on and this is why they're suddenly 'best buddies'. Even though I know I'm being unreasonable, reading the posts between them makes me want to take the computer I'm on and throw it very hard at a wall/out of the window/at someone's face. I think I have anger issues, maybe that's the reason for the current song choices. It also doesn't help that I'm wearing bright red today.

My two week trip to Spain means that I won't be posting for a while. I should probably jump on the Twitter bandwagon and 'tweet' via text but that's far too much effort so you won't be hearing from me for a few weeks. It's a family holiday so don't expect me to come back with some wild stories either. However, I'm secretly hoping that all the men are as beautiful as Spain's very own Mr. Iglesias (left).

Right now though I'm gonna listen to The Long Blonde's 'Once and Never Again' and sob to myself because I am in fact not 19 anymore.

See you on the other side.

P.S. Using the library computers again. The lack of spaces in between a few paragraphs above? Not me, Internet Explorer has just decided it won't do paragraph breaks. Lovely. I mean, you'd think after doing this layout I'd be able to solve this and be at least slightly computer savvy. I'm not.

Decision time.

My horoscope today is:

"You may be in a peculiar state of mind today as you become aware of how isolated you feel, even if you have close family and friends. There are parts of your life that you choose to keep to yourself and your secrecy adds distance between you and others. But you may also be in touch with an inner strength that makes you feel good about the choices you have made. Put your quiet confidence to work by making another difficult decision that you have been postponing."

Normally I don't believe in this kinda thing thinking that each one is just vague enough to be applied to at least one thing in a person's life but looking at it I think it's extremely appropriate right now. It's my birthday within a week and I'm struggling with it. I've travelled back home from Liverpool and moved all my stuff back (I'm not living on a sofa anymore thank god) and seen as I'm here I want to do something with my home friends. Problem is, I really don't have many at all. Speculating about how I've driven everyone away I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not the person I was before uni anymore. I suppose I've just kept the closest people from home that I thought could deal with who I am now. Unfortunately this includes about 4 people. Brilliant.

This brings us to the problem. Steph and Dave have expressed interest in coming to Preston for my birthday. To be completely honest I couldn't think of anything worse. I don't want my old and new lives to mix. I don't want them to see how few friends I have. I don't want them to come and have an awful time which they invariably will do. I have no idea what to say to them without hurting their feelings. One thing I'm gonna make sure though is that they don't come. It'd result in them seeing me in a completely different light.

That's probably why I suppose consider my home friends closer than my uni friends. They know who I was and who I am now and are still friends with me. I can be completely relaxed around them because I've got nothing to hide. When it comes to my uni friends, yeah I love them and we're close but I'm still not secure enough with my own personality to be completely comfortable.

OK, that's the 'feel isolated, parts of your life you keep to yourself etc. etc.' bit so there must be another decision I have to make which I've been postponing to make this horoscope accurate.

The Decision
The coach texted me last night with a message ending:

"Don't you think it's more than apparent that I fancy you lol? I keep waiting, I don't know how much longer I can wait before I say anything. So there it is :). I fancy you and have done for a while. Now... isn't that a shocker."

I'm in a bit of a state of panic as I haven't texted back yet and time is running out but I have no idea what to say. In some ways I feel like saying 'What do you expect me to do about it?' It seems my plan that what happens in London, stays in London may go unintentionally awry. There is also the fact that this situation is pushing the decision to 'go steady' with Ty. If I decide that I should then of course I'll have to tell the coach that I'm newly unavailable. I'm realistically being forced down that path which is frustrating because I'm not sure I want to get serious with Ty or get involved with the coach again after last time. My doubts mean I don't want either?


Whatever I decide they're both waiting eagerly for me to take a step forward in each relationship. I really want to just turn my phone off and watch the new Chanel No. 5 film a few more hundred times and wish life was like that.

London baby!

I'm back in the library. It's strange to think that just this passed Friday I was sat in this very room at this very computer. So much has happened since then.

So we travel down to Peterborough for a pre-cheer comp overnight stop. It's the nearest station to our destination but from there it's a 45 minute drive to a small village in the middle of nowhere. This area of England is completely flat and driving on a road with no streetlights at about 11:30pm gives the journey a faintly eerie feel. We finally arrive after midnight and are shown to the beds set up for us - 2 single beds and a double matress on the floor for four of us. It seems obvious who'll be sleeping on the matress, me and the coach.

We settle for bed but the tension is so much that I know I won't be able to sleep. I think he's feeling the same way because he gradually moves closer and cleverly steals most of the duvet so I have to move closer to him. We end up kissing. It was gonna happen seen as the options were a sleepness night doing nothing or a sleepless night with perks. Apart from him initiating it, I feel totally in control and confident. I don't really think about him at all, just have a bit of fun. It's kinda liberating.

In between cuddling and deafening snores from across the room I manage to get just about no sleep whatsoever. Not the ideal preparation for a cheerleading competition. We have a quick practice then jump in the car to Brighton. I expect things to be awkward but they aren't, at all. We're almost late because of the traffic, have another quick practice in one building and before we know it we're in our uniforms and queuing for our slot on the mat in the Brighton Centre with thousands of people watching. We nail the routine and are the only squad in our category to not drop a stunt but our difficulty is lower than the rest and we place 4th out of 6 earning ourselves a trophy (which is completely respectable as we were against a few allstar squads).

Elated with the result we sit on the beach and then get the train to London soon afterwards, eventually making it to one of the squad member's flats via the tube. A few nights crashing on a sofa prior to the trip means my lack of sleep is worrying but a shower and a few glasses of white wine (I hate wine) - we're ready to go out. Preplanned we get back on the underground and get off in Soho - home to the majority of London's gay village. I think the mixture of not being sober and the area itself means that I'm slightly awed by everything.

The sheer expanse excites me. Streets and streets of clubs, we pass G-A-Y and other famous ones. I mean I knew Liverpool's gay scene was small but it just does not even come close to comparing with London. We go into a few bars and down into sweaty clubs with shirtless barmen and dancers with gym pumped bodies. I knew places like this existed but to actually experience them is a whole other story. I seem to be eternally impressed by everything. It's a different world from what I'm used to.

Hours in Soho go by until we leave to get the bus to Voho (a nickname for Vauxhall as it's gay village increases in size) and walk to a hip hop and r'n'b night. Not a place I'd generally choose to go but I'm open minded. A quick frisk and we're in, I can honestly say that I've never felt so intimidated walking into a club in my life. I'm the only white person there which is an achievement given the number of people. Even the people I'm with say they feel out of place and one's black, another's half Arabic and the other chinese. Not only am I totally white but I'm also blonde so needless to say I get a few funny looks. Despite initially feeling really awkward I really get into it and have loads of fun dancing crazily. I kinda start to love the attention. My mates still feel out of place though so not too far into the night we exit the club and debate whether to go back to the flat.

Walking along we spot a small park, one of us rolls and we sit and smoke which makes me even less sober. In the end we decide to go back to the clubs and arrive at Barcode which is crammed full of people. If I can remember correctly it's free entry but I would not trust myself to say that was a definite. I don't think I've ever seen so many shirtless men who weren't on a beach. Everywhere I look there are bodies dripping with sweat, muscles flexing in time to the music. I admit I feel a bit like a child - I am only 19 after all.

I settle into the music though and notice a shirtless hottie, I don't know if it's wishful thinking but I think he's eyeing me up. That's when the coach steps in. I'm not sure he's noticed but he comes over and says that some sleaze is hitting on him and that we should kiss to make him lose interest and go away. He pulls me in, we kiss, I'm kinda annoyed and look away. It's apparently worked and he steps back to dance but my man has also lost interest. Not good.

Songs go by and we move rooms where the DJ is playing some really good remixes but one of my mates wants to leave. We walk outside but I'm feeling in an obnoxious mood and decide I wanna dance some more and storm back in with them reluctantly following. Yep, I'm acting like a petulant child but I'm just in time for a killer remix of Agnes' 'Release Me' which I simply cannot miss. Around halfway through this song I spot a guy stood at the bar and fix my gaze on him while I dance. He notices that I'm staring and unashamedly stares back with a flirtatious smile on his face. This goes on for about 10 minutes and I'm mentally prepared to go over but the coach is at my side pulling me away saying we really should leave. I follow them out the door into what looks like the day time as the sun is up.

We give up on public transport and pay the extortionate amount for a taxi. I don't mind paying though, I'm wrecked. For some reason for most of the journey the coach and I hold hands. I think this is completely normal at the time in my less than sober state but thinking back the question 'What were you doing?' comes to mind. Back to the flat and we crash out. One on the sofa, one in a bed and yep, you guessed it, me and the coach sharing a double mattress. If I didn't know better I'd say it was preplanned. Waking up early morning we do the same kiss and cuddle routine but I'm clearly not into it and just want some sleep. I rush to get the train the next day and we arrive back to Liverpool at about half 7. I semi-consciously stumble to Steph's house and crash out on the floor of the living room with my duvet.

This trip has made me realise 3 things:
1. I do not want to live in Liverpool after I graduate.

2. There is so much I want to see in the world.

3. I don't want to settle into a relationship just yet, I want to have more fun. If i go through with this though, will I ever be in a relationship? I've never been in one and it's been a while now so maybe I'll just never know how to have a boyfriend. Perhaps I've left it too long and have learnt to live alone.

I also love the way that throughout this post I've been insinuating that I hated the attention from the coach but in reality still went through with it and didn't push him off. I honestly really would've loved to but I think I'm too nice for that. I'm not really sure what he thinks is gonna happen but as far as I'm concerned what happens in London definitely stays in London.

Back soon.

'Nothing's real...'

I've reached the 50th post. Kinda shocked at that. I'm cringing at the thought of what I've filled 50 posts with. I mean, it's not like they're generally short either (unfortunately for you). I'm sure my life really isn't 50 posts interesting (← fab at 50 - oh dear).

First of all, I'm homeless. The lease has ended on our house and because I'm meant to be going abroad to France for a year starting September I haven't sorted any other accommodation out for the summer period. I'd really rather not go back home for more time than I have to so for the moment I'm crashing on a mate's sofa and living out of a suitcase. Definitely not ideal.

Things with Ty have been going pretty good. I think I kinda really like him. He came round the other night and as I live on a sofa I had to beg Dave to let us stay at his flat. He was going out and then had work at 5am the next day so it wasn't much of a big deal. We put a film on but didn't watch it and then after we'd finished 'having fun' we had a bit of a cuddle and a chat. I'm not really sure how I act with guys. Do I act the same? Hmm. It's strange to think that I deal with situations like this with no outside help. It's also strange that I think that's strange. It's like I think I have no standalone personality or something.

He starts talking about how we've known each other for 2 months and not spent a day without contact. I act surprised that it's been that long mainly because I am surprised that it's been that long - I hear about people saying 'I love you' after knowing each other for 2 months. He presses the issue and skirts around the fact that things are getting more serious and I must admit that I act really difficult. I make him say what he's thinking which is exactly what he doesn't do and just gets all shy and won't talk. I leave things and we sleep.

I see on his Facebook page after he's left that he's put his status as 'Nothing's real... until it's on Facebook'. Is that a dig at me referring to the relationship status? Has my caution been my downfall? I mean I'm not really wanting anything serious because I'm going to a different country next year. Maybe I need a 'chat' with him. Not sure how I'd go about that though - I'm clearly extremely inexperienced at relationships and my lack of past boyfriends is damaging.

Anyway, I don't really have to think about that just yet. This weekend I'm going to a cheerleading competition in Brighton and then staying in London for a night out as it's Pride. Yeah, I'm excited but it also means a ridiculous amount of alone time with the coach while travelling down etc. Kinda worried about that. I'm sure I'll have fun though and I'll be back before you know it.

Over and out.

P.S. I'm in the library using the Internet. Why is Internet Explorer so awful?