Thursday, 18 June 2009

Almost Famous.

I'm wrapped in my duvet because I'm really cold. Kinda strange seen as a couple of days ago it was about 25°C outside. I suppose it feels like a come down from a few really good days. It's not nearly enough to dampen my spirits though - Ty came round Tuesday night.

Pre-Date Insecurities ('cuz you well wanna read about them).
He's cool. Even for how old he his, he's really cool. This is of course from the point of view of an outsider looking in. I'm definitely not cool, and that's insider information. He has a lot of friends, dresses well and is clearly confident. I was thinking to myself that I'm not sure I love myself enough to be with someone like that. When I meet his
friends am I going to feel inadequate? Are they going to quietly whisper to him behind my back things like 'You could do so much better...' I really hope not. In that respect I feel like I was once obese, have now lost all the weight but still have all the insecurities. This is odd seen as I was never obese but I suppose I was also never cool either.

Apart from the cool factor he's really talented, like really talented. He wants to do theatre studies at uni and has alre
ady had short roles in a few British television programmes. I think his next role is something minor in Shameless and he's been approached to be in a film by Film4. He already knows people in 'the biz' and he's barely out of school. So far my life has consisted of nothing remotely exciting. I've still got a childlike complex that I am actually intended for great things and the path to them will fall into my lap at some point but to see someone working really hard to achieve his dreams drags me kicking and screaming back down to earth.


He texts me saying that he's getting into the station. I've tried my best to make myself look pretty with a black eye that is still on my face. Brilliant. Dave has his car up from home and promises to drive me to the station to pick him up - I'm kinda happy about this because Dave is hot which raises my cool factor a
bit (I think I've got a complex about that). Although it's also a double edged sword in case Ty likes him more than me. I run into the station while Dave parks up and I spot Ty sat down near the information desk. I awkwardly try to be fast walking up to him and probably look like an idiot, reach him and he gets up. He doesn't go in for a hug, I do which means I kinda grab him and for some reason make some kind of growling sound. How embarrassing.

We make it back to mine, talk to Steph and Da
ve for a bit, Dave's being uncharacteristically quiet but I expect that - it's just what he's like. Ty plays the perfect date to meet my friends role and probably gets on better with them than me. Naturally reserved I suppose I just sit and admire him in action.

We get round to a film and end up watching Almost Famous. He hasn't seen it but at the end says he doesn't really understand it, I've seen it before and like it. I'm clearly nervous and we do the whole 'slowly getting closer and closer' thing whilst trying our best to not make it look obvious. We go down and chat with Steph afterwards, I make her roll and we smoke and then back up to watch Pulp Fiction because it's not late enough to go to bed and I don't really know what else to do with him. Things are easier as neither of us are sober by this point but after awkwardly getting under the covers things start heating up.

We lose the clothes. He's hot. I'm a bit of a perv when I kiss someone I think is really good looking. I kiss with my eyes open just so I can watch their face. I suppose that's kinda intrusive but I can't help it sometimes and looking at how pretty he is I can't help but smile. After sucking him off, jerking him off, and dry humping, by the noise he's making it seems he gets off on dry humping the most. This is the same for most guys I find which is kinda odd but in bed I'm not selfish at all. I'd almost always choose their enjoyment over my own which probably shows how mentally flawed I am.

He does the same to me and switching positions continues until I'm close from him sucking me off. It seems to happen more frequently these days - if I'm about to have a really intense orgasm my face seizes up to the point where I can't open an eye properly or move my mouth. It's much the same as having a panic attack so after I finish I pull him in to kiss him the best I can with an immovable mouth just so he can't see my face and think I'm a retard. I work on him next and soon enough we're both panting heavily and trying to sleep with dawn breaking outside.

It's raining heavily the next day and we do nothing but stay in bed, talk, kiss, cuddle and in a really cliché way 'explore each other'. My mind becomes much more at ease. I start to see things from his point of view from the way he's acting etc. and it makes me feel good. I am older and he's aware of that, he says I make him laugh. Maybe I don't need to be 'cool'. I think rather than trying to love myself before getting involved with someone, perhaps getting involved with someone will help me learn to love myself. Who knows? I can't wait to see him next though but am still trying desperately to play it cool because I think it'd be all or nothing - either full on stalker or acting uninterested, and I'd much rather the latter.

Back soon.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Hopefully not a casanova.

I'm sat listening to a bit of Esmée Denters and her song 'Casanova' featuring the JT himself, after doing far too much laughing gas - it's got me in a blogging mood.

Date with Ty did happen and to be honest, I'm trying my best not to get too excited. Excitement = loserness and I'm determined I'm not gonna let that happen.

The Date

It's Tuesday night I'm cheerleading til about 7 have a bloody nose, swollen lips and bruised arms from catching people/people falling on me. Needless to say I'm not looking my best. Ignoring this fact I shower and get ready as quickly as humanly possible with tissue stuffed up my nostril. A few mini crises later I finally jump into a taxi to a train station I've never been to before and catch a train I haven't ever caught to a place I could quite easily get lost in. The question 'What the hell are you doing?' comes to mind throughout the journey, getting steadily more urgent/desperate as I approach the destination but I'm so drained from throwing people around all afternoon and then not eating afterwards that I just stare out the window and wonder if the station I've just passed named 'Rock Ferry' is anything to do with the album by Duffy. This entertains me for far longer than it should.

He's waiting for me at the other end and takes me to his mate's car and we all go to a cool bar together. Erm, why has he brought his mate along? Two's company, three is definitely a crowd and despite all my focus being on my date his friend just doesn't leave. A far from ideal first proper date but I try my best to make the best of it. Drinks go by and I'm feeling a bit tipsy - I've done exercise and haven't eaten any dinner remember - so conversation flows and I hope to God that I don't say anything inappropriate.

His friend does eventually leave which I'm eternally thankful for but not too much later a girl comes over and decides to join us claiming she knows someone Ty knows. He doesn't have a clue who she is but she sits down in the empty chair anyway, the chair that by rights sh
ouldn't be there as it's clearly a two person table, and talks about how her dress is from M&S while we both pretend to be stunned and impressed. I feel like dying.

The time set aside for walking back to the station to catch the last train gradually shortens until all we can do is make our excuses and leave. The walk is good. We talk and I get to see a bit of Chester which is cool. Goodbyes at the station is next and I get the impression he's not up for making any of the first moves so I'm the one t
hat hugs him and he tells me he had fun and that he hopes he'll see me soon.

Post Date Analysis (because I'm that much of a loser)
I think he mentioned that he had two/three exes, doesn't seem to have baggage but he seems to have done a lot of quizzes/forms on Facebook with relevance to his exes like 'My ex is: an ex for a reason'. He didn't ask me about my dating past and I didn't offer up the information because it's brief to say the least. I feel a bit inexperienced even though he's younger than me. He also expressed dislike at just hooking up and 'playing the field' which is reassuring that he's not just playing me?

I have to admit that I was kinda worried about not liking his personality as well because I wouldn't know seen as we've only really met in clubs and texted apart from that. It turns out that as far as I can tell he's got an amazing one. He's coming here tomorrow for a night out with myself and Dave. If he likes Dave more than me I'll probably cry for a week, think I've gotten over it and then cry for a month. I just need to remember to

More soon.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Missing the boat?

OK, I'm kinda drunk after an evening in a pub with some mates and I've just learned that one of my best friends, Dave, is apparently getting it on with some guy tonight. I am not impressed. I mean I'm not really sure what my feelings are. First I'm counselling him about being dumped by his boyfriend (Mr. Perfect turned out to be not so perfect) and how he's devastated about it and then barely a day later I'm on the phone to him while he's cruising guys on Gaydar (its tagline is 'What you want, when you want it).

There's not really much I can say apart from '?!'. It begs the question whether his feelings for his ex were as serious as I'd previously thought but I suppose I wouldn't like to judge. I think he's extremely good at convincing himself he feels a certain way and therefore also extremely good at breaking away from it. Yeah it may be just an innocent rebound which is fine but it's like he switches between two different personalities. One where he's vulnerable and needs constant reassurance and another where he's talking dirty to guys online and inviting them to his flat. I don't get it. Considering how close we are I really haven't known him for that long and I think the impression he's tried to give of being wholly inexperienced with guys/not really knowing what he's doing is absolute bull shit - it seems like he knows exactly what he's doing. He apparently invited another guy to his flat at the weekend so it also seems like he moves fast.

I'm feeling that it kinda highlights how inexperienced I am. Even talking to guys online (rare to never) I'm still kinda shy. Forever careful what I say, never too forward etc. etc. I'm not sure I'd even get straight to the point if I just wanted sex from a guy. Am I just bad at it all? I don't really know his small talk methods but it's clear that his timidity is obviously just a guise for buckets of hidden self confidence. Confidence that thinking back I realise I've seen flashes of but has never really surfaced because most of the time I've known him he's been in a relationship. Odd.

In some ways I suppose I am kinda jealous about it all as well. I've been single for far longer than he has and he's already luring in more 'meat' than I have in months. Yeah I've been talking to a guy I like for a while now but am I in serious danger of missing the boat? Have I simply just been moving too slowly? I'm sure time will tell in the end but I always thought that revealing your cards prematurely is a bad idea when trying to build any kind of relationship. Maybe I've got it completely wrong or maybe that's exactly what Dave doesn't want right now and that's why he's being so 'out there' but he is the biggest relationship person I know and claims to have never 'messed around and just had fun with guys'. Perhaps that's just another thing I don't know about him.

It all depends on what you want but ultimately fast-paced city life could in fact require a fast-paced dating strategy these days. Who knows what the modern dating game entails? - I certainly do not.

Direction welcome.

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Whoring it up.

School's out and for the moment I've found myself with a lot of time on my hands. This has pretty much been spent watching the whole first two seasons of 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl' which airs on ITV2 in the UK and I think maybe Showtime in the US. To be honest, a mixture of Billie Piper's acting and ads showing an early 'Sex and the City' style talking to the camera meant that I wasn't really expecting much. I was, however, pleasantly surprised. Piper's acting has improved a ridiculous amount from her 'Doctor Who' days and the show is so well written and put together so if you get the chance, definitely give it a watch.

Kinda made me think - could I ever try my hand at anything like that? That sounds shocking to even think but I just wonder what type of person it takes to be able to do a job like an escort/prostitute. I'm not sure I could get over having sex with someone I didn't find the least bit attractive. I mean, it's easy for women, they can fake pretty much everything. With men, it's obviously a bit different. Well
even if I did get past that, hygiene would be the biggest rule in my book. Hmm, I think I'm thinking this through an unhealthy amount. I suppose I better be careful not to slide down into rent boydom :p.

Apart from whiling away the hours on the Internet I had the pleasure of going to a wedding last weekend. Endless questions of, 'So. Have you found yourself a girlfriend yet?' How embarrassing. I generally try my best to side step with a, 'Nope, I'm still free and single actually...' which works especially well with drunk uncles etc. as they immediately go on about how they remember their fun single days and then congratulate me on not being tied down. Not as easy to tackle the women of the family though. After
they've had a few drinks I get, 'You know, your grandparents are becoming more and more liberal as they get older. They'll probably be able to accept certain things about you...' Considering my grandparents are more old fashioned, religious, conservative and opinionated than my parents, I seriously doubt this. It wasn't a fun day or night and only made bearable by the fact that I could drown my sorrows at the free bar.

So, back to Liverpool tonight and hopefully a date is on the cards this week with beautiful boy. He can be known as Ty as he deserves a sexy, modern, one syllable name. We've been texting a lot but I've been trying my best to not get my hopes up too much. I mean yeah he's hot, seems interested and seems to have a nice personality but things have rarely gone smoothly for me in the guy department. I well want things work out with this one but if they do he'll obviously have to accept my possible rent boy tendencies ;).

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Back for good?

So... it's been a while.

I can honestly say that whether or not I was done with blogging was definitely indefintie before now. I suppose I felt like I'd found something to fill the hole reserved for writing about my life on the internet. Well I was obviously wrong or otherwise the thing is now gone. Either way, here I am, and I think this time it's gonna stick.

In between listening to Imogen Heap and staring at the ridiculously cute guy opposite me/planning our life together on the hour long, late evening train from Preston to Liverpool today, I couldn't help thinking about how, although much has changed since my last post (February -
I deserve to be shot for that), I'm pretty much back where I started. Sometimes I think my life is in cycles which I am powerless to break and even though I probably could quite easily predict what comes next I am unable to for some reason. Maybe it's called stupidity. Should I have matured over this time period? I don't really think I have despite being given many opportunities to. Maybe this is it.

I think the last guy I was talking about was PC and I can't believe how deluded I was about that 'liason' - maybe I will learn from my mistakes after all. We went on a couple of dates over a couple of weeks - I stayed at his, he stayed at mine - and looking back I realise I didn't like him at all. I didn't like his personality, I wasn't really attracted to him but on the other hand I wasn't repulsed by him either. At the time I was an expert at convincing myself that I did in fact like him, largely because he was nice to me and the first person the show me any real interest. There are things that happened over those couple of weeks which probably screamed 'Get out while you still can!' at me but I was completely deaf to it all. I don't know how but the spell did break in the end and I slowly started to see how full on he was, and how it was becoming really unnerving. I eventually told him I wanted to stop everything. I just wasn't into him anymore and was put off by his constant texts of, 'Why haven't you texted back?', 'Should I stop bothering you?' and my personal favourite, 'Do you not like me any more?' if I didn't text back within 5 minutes.

Now this is something I do not understand. The solution to someone not texting you back straight away is definitely not texting them again/more often. This simply does not help anyone apart from maybe the phone company. Not to say I'm a dating expert or anything because let's face it, I'm really inexperienced but I thought this was a rule everyone knew? I'm not the biggest fan of 'game playing' but playing it a little cool goes a long long way. I also don't understand what ki
nd of friends, when asked for advice, tell a person to text with yet more uncomfortable questions to a guy he likes. In fact I do know what kind of friends do this. BAD friends.

The whole affair ended with me being tagged as an empty can of lager on a club floor on Facebook with the caption reading 'ROUGH'. Although this was not deserved (I'm a good person!) I've been too proud to detag it.

After that fiasco my choice of men has unfortunately not improved. Meeting a guy in a club with his shirt off, with my shirt off (don't ask) and exchanging numbers, we arranged to go for a drink. Now I of course planned to keep things strictly PG-13 as it's the first date but before I know it we're at his
place watching Shortbus which is a film that basically leads to sex (er, have you read the tagline?) and that is in fact exactly what happens. I'm generally wondering why I'm so bad at life right now. Anyway, I leave straight afterwards because we both have to get up early - further cementing my image of being a complete whore - and then I find out he has a boyfriend. The word MISTAKE is neon and flashing. Recently I've run into him and actually met his boyfriend and really had to bite my tongue. With thoughts of 'Is this really who I've become?' imprinted on my brain I've vowed never to do anything like that again.

So yeah, taste in men hasn't been good but I hope that's already changed because I've been talking to this guy a met a couple of weeks ago and - being careful to make sure the feelings are genuine - I may really like him. Well I know that I like what I know about him so far. We've both been playing it cool which is good but also casually showing our interest which is also good and after meeting up with him and his mates on a night out I can honestly say that he's probably one of a prettiest guys I've ever kissed. I mean, it was me who approached him which I've never done with anyone else. Far from a perfect chat-up line I think I said something like, 'Hey. I think you're really beautiful. Do you have a boyfriend?' Smoooth. Plans for a real date are still in the works - we obviously both lead such exciting lives with little spare time - but I'm not looking to rush things anyway. I guess we'll see how things turn out.

In other news, Dave has been dumped by Mr. Perfect. I can't say I'm surprised as their relationship was built on lies and deceit. He's devastated but it does mean that he'll have more time for me. Is that selfish? I don't even know why I'm bothering to ask that question, it clearly is but I don't really care.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon with proper stuff.