Thursday, 29 January 2009

Onto the scene.


It's around 10:20am and I don't technically have to be up till 3pm. I honestly don't know why I'm awake but here I am, updating, and listening to Girls Aloud's 'The Loving Kind' for about the millionth time. You'd have thought I'd have got over that song by now but I think it's the lyrics that do it for me.

The last month has been a bit odd. In my desperate struggle to get on the scene and finally put myself out there, a couple of in-roads have kinda fallen into my lap unexpectedly. I mean yeah, there's the cheer lot and also Dave and Mr. Perfect to go out on the town with but neither of them have really taken off and I haven't really been invited on many nights out with them for some reason. Just recently though I've made a new gay friend. I met him a while ago and as he isn't exactly British, he's from mainland Europe, I'll call him Paulo. I know him through someone that knows Steph and he's been an acquaintance for a while but he's not out and my not brilliant gaydar goes rapidly downhill when it comes to non-native speakers. Imagine my surprise when we go to the gym and he asks me if I'm gay and if I want to go out to Canal Street some time. Yep. I'm a bit taken aback. I deal with it well though and we chat about who knows and who he specifically doesn't want to know etc. It's an odd conversation to have on a treadmill.

It turns out that he has a couple of gay friends and is well seasoned when it comes to the gay scene. This is his second degree after all so he must be pushing 24 or something. We get on really well and talks between him and Steph have verified that he would like to think there was something between us but if nothing happens that he'd want to be friends more than anything. I think that's such a nice thing to say. People don't often give me credit for my personality because in general, it's rarely due. I of course don't like him though which is shame but he might have some hot friends? Let's hope so.

To celebrate our new friendship he's invited me to go to a foam part tonight at a new club that's opened in Liverpool's Gay Quarter. I'm excited. There's gonna be boys, booze, foam and UV lights. What more could you want?! The plan is to get really drunk at my house first so when it comes to actually setting foot outside the door I'll be wasted enough to be able to dress inappropriately for the weather but not feel the cold. Yep, I'm willing to risk pneumonia if it means I don't have to bother with a coat. I think a super tight shirt I bought from Topman is a possibility as I tried an S on and it obviously just wasn't gay enough so I downsized to XS and bought it which means that I'll be in grave danger of popping buttons with any heavy breathing. I'm just so cool.

There's also talk that the coach is out as well. This is the first time I don't really care. I'm proud of myself. I may run into him, I may not but I'm not gonna go out of my way to make sure we end up in the same place. Over that now thanks. I mean, even if we do I don't think I'll even drunkenly hit on him because I just can't be arsed with it all. I'll let you know how it goes and fill you in if there's any juicy gossip. Oh I hope there is. With 2 gay nights out this week, tonight and the rave on Saturday, I'm sure I'll be drunk enough for someone to be intelligent enough to take advantage of me :p. Wait. I just read that back. I'm actually a whore.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Monday, 26 January 2009

No time like the present.


I'm sat at my computer with a tub of posh Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, a large glass of Pepsi and half a donut, listening to Tegan and Sara and thinking about life. It's 2:07 am and I can't think if a good reason why I shouldn't update - it has been over a week. Exams are finally over and I'm sure last time I checked it was Thursday. The end of the week/weekend has kinda blurred into a mixture of preparation, rave, recovery. There's not been room left for much else.

Pre-Rave
After buying a ridiculously tight top from American Apparel in the day time on Friday before I know it, I'm squeezing into it and being bundled out the door into preordered taxis with a house party as a destination. We arrive, I drink, I don't have enough alcohol to get drunk. I'm having a good time though and for some reason I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of the coach and his friend. OK, it isn't for some reason - I still like him A LOT. Surprise surprise. He arrives and his friend is attractive but despite plans to be charismatic and fascinating I'm pretty much robbed of personality. This happens all too often around the coach and I of course look super generic and completely overlookable once again. We do our thing and I continue to be less preferable to engage in conversation than the wall and hope that my super tight, low v top is enough to keep me from actually becoming invisible. I don't really think it is. We get into taxis for the second time that night make it to the venue at around 11.

The Rave
So we're in a group. It includes myself, Steph, Anna, Dave, the coach and the friend. Starting to kick in, my thoughts go blurry, I stop worrying about things as much. I start to have an amazing time. Then we get split up. I end up being left with the coach and the friend. Feeling ever so slightly miffed in my addled brain that I'm getting ZERO attention, I go into a world of my own and get lost in the music. A tap on the shoulder and talk of leaving to go to the toilet and emphatic orders to stay with the friend - then there were two. In between getting crushed and m
oving to a different spot I try my very best to make the friend feel as good as I'm feeling but to no avail. He tells me he's freaking out a bit and needs to sit down. We sit down. I text the coach explaining the situation but we don't see him for the rest of the night - later on we find out he got busted in the toilets and the bouncer almost called the police but he just managed to get away. I don't know this at the time though but I'm not really in a state to care. I'm just enjoying breathing a bit too much and making sure the friend is OK. I end up having a really good night and I do find one of the groups of people I arrived with so I have people to get a taxi home with at the end of the night. I invite the friend to join us.

The Aftermath
We get back to the house, it's about 5am. Steph has gone back to the scene of the house party where she left her phone but we end up in her room anyway and inevitably settle down for smokes. I'm pretty much passed out on the floor with the friend not too much later on and in the morning I wake up with no one else in the room but the two of us still on the floor. I'm not really sure what's going through my mind at this point. I really don't know what my plan was. I think I contemplate subtly hitting on him but I'm not sure I quite manage it - I'm too mashed. Once we're both awake I make him toast and orange juice and we chat a bit and then decide to sleep some more, on the bed this time. I'm kinda half asleep when he answers his phone and starts talking to his mate about a boyfriend. My mind still isn't quite right - I'm not seeing this as an obstacle. I am good in the end t
hough and I don't really flirt with him or anything really. It's probably because I'm still not capable at this point.

He ends up staying all day and the room steadily fills with people and we smoke some more and he orders a taxi and leaves. I make sure I give him a tight hug before he does though - again not really sure why, I think it's because he's the only gay man in the vicinity and I'm desperate for attention from absolutely anyone. He seems a bit hesitant, deciding whether to hug me or not after hugging Steph so I kinda grab him. I'm obviously acting a bit odd. I go up to my bed and end up wondering why so many of my nig
hts out with the coach are cut short with him leaving early. I'm sure it's at least 3 or 4 now. Maybe he likes being elusive or maybe that's just the way things have turned out. I don't really care. I somehow make it out of bed to meet our Aussie housemate, Anna and Dan in town later and we have a nice chat into the early hours of the morning in some random bar.

--------------------------------------------------

I confess. I've been moping. I don't know whether it's the aftereffects of Friday night's intake but life just doesn't seem as good. Today I've made some progress though. I've finally worked out the deal with the coach and I. It's genius and obviously extremely complex so prepare youselves for this breakthrough - I NEED TO GET OVER IT, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS. I know right. I'm about 2 months too late. I'm not sure what I was clinging on to but it was definitely something completely hopeless. I haven't been treating him like a friend in my mind. I've been too preoccupied with trying to 'rekindle the flame' that I've probably let my own fire go out in neglect.

I've also realised one huge thing which I hope will help me in later life. It has been triggered by an article I found online. I basically am the person described in the article. OK, I'm less pathetic and maybe not all of it is applicable but the core of the article is uncomfortably familiar. I'm shocked by this revelation because I wouldn't have put myself in that category as I'm not a 'nice guy' in many parts of my life. However, where I am one is with guys and come to think of it, people in general. I've spent the whole of my life trying to be what people want me to be so that they'd like me and not question who I really am. I wanted to hide who I am. I need to learn how to be a little more unapologetic of myself. I'm not talking about being inflexible and uncompromising, just more comfortable with the thought of 'If you don't like me I'm sure I'll get over it'. I cannot deal with that when it comes to people I think are worth acceptance from and also evidently guys that I like. Above all though, it's time to be meaner. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Back soon with tales of emotionless sex, heartless rejections and a total disregard for other people's feelings :p. Maybe I can put this attempted personality change to the test on Saturday as it looks like another coach, coach's friend, Steph, rave night at a gay bar this time. Should be fun.

Thanks for reading.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Er, do I look interested?


It's a Friday.

After admittedly little deliberation we decide it's time for a night out. Yeah I'm in the middle of exams but I seriously need a break and what's one night gonna hurt? Steph and Anna talk of two people from their course having a joint birthday. I'm up for anything as long as it involves loud music and a large amount of alcohol. My tea has consisted of a single pop-tart (how very American) so after the fifth and sixth cans of Strongbow I know I'm in for a heavy night - this is before we've even made it out of the people's flat and into town.

Making our way down the hill to our first bar in small groups suddenly Steph and Anna aren't behind me anymore. They finally catch up and say that they ran into people they knew and stopped for a chat. One of them was the coach. I suppose I kinda ignore this fact - I must've walked straight past him - and keep going down the hill to one of the newly opened bars in the city centre.

More drinks and more blurriness later, I spot him across the room. I am genuinely happy to see him and don't hide it. I've missed his pretty face and seeing it again definitely reminds me how much I still like him. We hug tightly, both warn each other that we're extremely drunk and he takes me over to see his friends that I know. Whilst I'm talking to them, he's behind me talking to Steph and (as I've recently found out) is stroking my arms and saying 'Look at those arms!' over and over. I'm not sure what to make of that. We casually talk and as I get a bit handsy when I'm drunk I do inappropriately feel him up a lot which I'm quite embarrassed about now. Despite decid
ing to be 'just mates' I'm not really acting like it at all (but I'm not the only one to blame?) and when I'm being pulled away to club by my friends I find myself following him to a different club instead.

This is a bad move. We
're both really drunk and I'm liking his company a bit too much. Nothing happens though, he disappears after a bit and I'm left in a drunken haze feeling a bit shit and wondering if he's gonna come back. Even his friends don't know where he is. To make matters worse there's another gay guy in our group and one of the coach's best friends tries to set me up with him. Again this makes me feel a bit shit with the reasons that are twofold.

1. There must have been talk that there is nothing between me and the coach. I know this is what we agreed and I'm not really sure what I was expecting but I'm drunk and I really like him - not a good combination.

2. I'm not into this other guy at all - surprise surprise.


Unfortunately this guy seems into me. We do the whole small talk thing and he tries his best to dance with me but I'm uninterested to the point of being rude. After finding out I study it as part of my degree he even starts speaking to me in French. It's a good effort but again I'm doing the one word answers thing. Just not in the mood.

As the night progresses and it gets late (or early, depending on how you look at it) it's clear the coach isn't coming back anytime soon so I say my goodbyes and leave. I don't remember exactly how but I manage to get home - maybe I walk? - and before my body is ready, I'm waking up in Steph's bed to the sound of my phone going off. It's him saying it was great to see me and that next Friday is going to be amazing. I text back saying something completely unspectacular.

Next Friday's Rave
Seen as I'll have finished my exams by then Steph and I have been talking about going to a big rave night on the 23rd. The coach is also going and has invited us to go with him and one of his friends so even if we don't actually go with him we'll definitely be meeting him in there. With DJs such as Fatboy Slim it sounds like a brilliant night, my only queries are, what is his motivation for inviting me? and will anything happen between us? Let's just say, we're not gonna be in our usual state of minds meaning that all rationality and reasoning is probably gonna go out the window. Whatever happens, considering the last rave I went to at this venue, it's sure to be eventful. Oh how things have changed since then.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Regain composure.


I had an exam today. I don't wanna talk about it.

After struggling through the paper I wanted to leave early but was at the very front in the middle of a very long row with no immediate exits. I wasn't pleased. Not to disturb the good people either side of me who were utilising all of the time given I decided to extremely ungracefully climb over the desk then over the empty chairs in front of the desk a
nd then over the pile of bags and/or coats to hand my paper in. Receiving a disapproving look from one of the invigilators and so very aware that most of the lecture room was looking at me because of how loud I'd been, I pretended nothing had happened, gathered my things and carefully picked my way up the steps to the doors. After that I ran part of the way home. This was partly due to the fact that I wanted to get as far away from the exam room as possible and also partly due to it being really cold. I never run in public unless I'm actually going running, it was an odd experience.

So today has been spent in emotional recovery. There's been an expensive lunch, lots more comfort food, the heating on full, a loooooonnnnn
ng shower and time spent under my duvet contemplating where I went wrong with my life/where my life will actually end up. Right this second I'm getting crumbs all over my keyboard from a box of biscuits I'm polishing off - I don't even care about the calories. I'm blasting out songs like Michelle Branch's 'Breathe' and Alesha Dixon (top right) 's new one 'Breathe Slow' trying to fool myself that changing the speed of my breathing will in fact change the result of the exam I've just taken. I obviously have loads of faith that it will.

As I'm blogging, my bedroom door is locked. Yep, that means I now have a full house again and after living alone for a couple of weeks I have to say that it's a bit strange with people about, and it's about to get slightly more weird. Seen as we have six people in a seven person house we've been searching for a new housemate. Someone replied. Before meeting him all I knew was that he was an Aussie (yep, he has the accent!) so I was of course expecting a super hot surfer with a killer tan who's wardrobe consists solely of cool t-shirts, board shorts, flip-flops and sunglasses or 'sunnies'.

OK, he's not like that at
all but I can't say I'm disappointed. He's fairly good looking, there's just a bit of a clothes/shoe issue going on, but is that not true for most of you Aussies? You're not overly bothered about clothes and that? I hope I've not insulted anyone there. He's moving in tomorrow evening so yeah, it's gonna be interesting with a new person to live with - I'll keep you updated. Oh, and I do realise that's a picture of Matthew McConaughey and it's not because I'm a particularly huge fan or anything but when searching for hot surfers he was everywhere. It's also important to accept that I would not say no.

A couple of days ago, the coach texted me. It was an innocent 'How are you doing?' text which is boring - I'd rather he texted me telling me he wanted to rape me or something. Anyway, I duly replied but was in an awful mood because I'd just finished a crap essay and lost the will to live so I told him I was in an awful mood and ranted about people in the library. He sent one back and I replied to that as well with small talk, asking him if he was settling back to work at uni and the like. He didn't reply. I don't really know what to make of it. Was it all just game playing so he could get me to ask him a question and then purposefully not reply to it to gain something like the 'upper-hand'? Or is it just that I'm just not that important enough to bother bothering so much about texting back. I'm guessing the latter and as this is sooooo unbelievable petty and pathetic this is the last you'll hear about it. I'm erasing it from my memory. Just thought I'd share there though. Fun for you lot :p

Over and out.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Set-ups and flash-backs.


So there's been talk of a set-up for me by Dave and Mr. Perfect with one of their mates. Yep, I think I'm becoming a bit of a pathetic charity case - you know the type, someone who can't get a boyfriend themselves and needs to be paired up with someone else who can't. I'm over that though. Anyway, I found out the name of the guy and did a bit of a Facebook stalk - as you do - and found out that he's completely not my type AT ALL. Now many of you out there would tell me to stop being so picky and just go with it and meet the guy but I'm absolutely awful at rejections. Like I can take them fine but I don't think I could ever dish one out cold heartedly to a nice person. One other thing that you should know, when I'm not attracted to a guy I'm just not attracted to him. I really don't think I'm the type that grows to love people - there needs to be heat there or I'm not really interested in making an effort. Yeah that sounds a bit lazy and shallow but I can't really help it. Let's just say that if the guy looked like Mr. Pokora here (left and below) then there definitely wouldn't be a problem - he's actually gorgeous.

Apart from the whole 'set-up' issue, which I'm gonna have to deal with at some point, the oddest thing has happened ever. This guy from high school has started messaging me on Facebook - yep, it all happens on Facebook these days. Now this isn't just any guy from high school, he used to call me gay and push me in the urinals throughout year 7. It wasn't fun and at the time I really did hate him. Anyway, it's turned out that he's gay and messaged me something like 'cant belive you turned out straight (from what i've heard) what a waste!!' Now for a bit of fun I playfully messaged back with 'haha, maybe you shouldn't believe everything you hear :p'. Basically we got to talking and a bit of back-and-forth flirting and he seems really into me. However, I don't find him attractive in the slightest and anyway it'd be really weird! Hmm, maybe I am a bit picky after all? OK not knowing me it does look like that but I'm not willing to accept it! I'm not all that choosey, my types vary from rough and ready chav to cute pretty boys but it's just when I don't like someone, I do not like them. Gutted. Maybe I should go ahead with the set-up and keep talking to the blast from the past. That's probably not gonna happen though. I think it's time I stopped whining, got out there and found someone myself, right?

In the next installment of 'I love Lady Gaga' - because I'm just that cool mate - I'm gonna point out how talented she is. Also, her actual hair (wig) is tied into a bow. That's just impressive. Check this bitch out and then tell me she doesn't have talent. Love it.

Back soon.

Friday, 9 January 2009

Revamp!


Yerp, I've delved deep and discovered some extra motivation left over from all this essay writing and put it to good use on the blog because I was bored of it which makes for boring writing. This has been done to a bit of Clubland 14 blasting out pretty much all day. Cheesy dance at it's best, you know you love it.

The Header - I did it a while ago when I was messing about with another one and I wanted a super cheesy tag line. I think I've managed that one. It's pretty and probably one of, if not the best I've put up so far, certainly better than that shocker I first had up but thankfully most of you want know about that. Please feel free to tell me your thoughts.

The Layout - It's pretty. Well I think it is. I've had the biggest headache trying to alter little bits of code to change like the most minor detail ever. It's not been too fun but I got there in the end. It's still a bit of an experiment so I might change some bits if I can be bothered/when I'm bored of it. I REALLY would like to know how to make the main bit (the bit with the white background) have a shadow on both sides. That'd be awesome but I think it's wayy too complicated for the likes of me to try and figure out on my own and Google really isn't telling me much.

OK, about The Photo - yep it's me. It screams 'judgement' at me everytime I look at it and judgement is probably what it deserves. The shirtless/boxers aspect of it may be a bit shameful but it's because I've accepted the fact that sex sells whether it's disgusting or nice to look at. To defend myself it isn't even in colour - it's a negative and it's not as if I'm naked in it! Hmm maybe if I was I'd get more views... I was gonna put the photo up which included my face but in that my head looked like it was floating away from my body and my eyes looked evil, so yah - just the body shot. Lucky you.

Hope you like the changes and don't go blind because of any of them but if you don't like them, you deserve to go blind.
Back soon.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Today is the day...


...I try to sort my life out.


I've already been to the bank and tried to make headway with getting an overdraft. As I'm a 'special case' they've booked me an appointment when they're obviously gonna refuse to give me one because I've had 'returns' on money attempting to be taken out of my account. Basically I'm being reprimanded for trying to spend money I clearly don't have. Gutted. I always feel like I'm being attacked when I go to the bank as well. They call me things like an 'undesirable candidate' and say that 'No, it is not possible with your current circumstances' which is just bank trash talk. I really haven't done anything wrong though, if they'd given me an overdraft in the first place I would have had money when I needed it.

I've also got a 2000 word essay due on Monday which I've written about 200 words of. It's a start, right? The plan is to try and get the main bulk of it done today and then hang myself tonight because I've spent so much time in the library it's become mentally unhealthy. Here's the dilemma though, to avoid not only looking like a loser but also a fat loser and sitting in the middle of a virtually empty student's union eating 2 pasties, a slice of pizza and a 2 white chocolate cookies from Gregg's (who's website I just visited and noticed how unbelievably, disgustingly British it was) I could either not buy as much food and eat in the same place or I could go home for lunch and make something myself. Hmm. Not sure about that one.

I'm also starting a clear skin regime. As yet I haven't come up with what the regime will comprise of but my skin is so bad at the moment it looks like a small hamster has been nibbling away at it whilst I've been sleeping. Unimpressed is the word.

Oh and three other words - cardio, cardio and cardio. Seen as I refuse to run outside in this weather and can't afford a gym membership, I've taken to running up and down the stairs. Yesterday, I managed about 5 ups and downs then literally collapsed from exhaustion. It's not good for the heart to be that unfit.

Anyway, seen as I have a bit of a love of Abercrombie & Fitch and think this guy is super hot:


(I've so got those boxers - they're amazing but I don't look as good as that in them unfortunately).

I've been having the gayest Kylie day ever, I admit. I've been playing all her classics whilst planning out my essay. I also love her even more after I found her performance of 'Dancing Queen' live at the Sydney Olympics. This is not because I'm a particularly big ABBA fan, I just think she looks amazing and does a great job. I mean, how can you not love her after watching that?! This has gotta stop when I'm back at the house though because Steph's sister is here as she's working in Liverpool for a couple of days and despite her knowing I'm gay and us talking about guys and stuff I'm not sure she'd appreciate a run down of Kylie's greatest hits whilst on the phone to her one of her clients.

Back to the essay I'm thinking right now though.
Over and out for now.

Monday, 5 January 2009

New Year's resolutions.


Hey there and happy new year :). It's been a while. Well, a bit more than a while :p. I do have an excuse though, the Internet has been broken in the house over the Christmas period so I've not been able to do the online thing. One of my resolutions is gonna have to be to post more though.

OK, where do I begin. I have quite a lot to go through. I might just skim the details and get you up to speed as painlessly as possible. So, the coach. A few too many drunken texts from me to him about wanting to be friends with benefits, a while ago now, let him know that I clearly wasn't clear about what was going on between us. He said that he didn't understand why I couldn't speak to him properly sober - it was because I didn't think I was entitled to delve into a serious conversation with him - so the next day I texted him to apologise for what I sent when I was drunk and said that I felt we needed to talk things out. He said he'd ring me after his lecture and I waited for his call sat on my bed in a bit of a state.

We talked. It was good to talk. There was no flirting, no hidden agendas, no twisted words - just honesty. He asked me why I think I'd said what I said and said that he thought he knew but I stopped him and told him what I thought was the reason. I told him that I thought he was losing interest and because I really liked him I didn't want that to happen, that my drunken mind thought that the solution was to offer something I thought he wanted - a no strings relationship. He seemed surprised at that, so I'm guessing that's not what he thought the reason was. Somewhere between him telling me his woes about his ex and that not wanting a relationship was a self preservation thing, it was pretty clear that we weren't really getting anywhere with where we should go from here. He told me he'd ring me back because he needed to call his friend, again I waited for half an hour sat on my bed, and when he did he admitted he hadn't come to a conclusion.

This is when I for some reason went against what my heart was telling me, against what I really wanted at the time and said that maybe we should just step back from everything. Looking back now I'm wondering if the outcome would've have been different if I'd fought harder and said that I wanted something. I'm not sure about that one. Anyway, he of course accepted and said that he thought that it sounded like the best thing and as the conversation came to a close I said in the cutest way I could muster that if he needed me to be a friend then I'd be a friend and that I was always here for him to talk to about anything. This probably broke all the rules for making someone want you, right? I made myself look wayy too available and I'm so aware of it these days. I don't really mind though. I'd rather everything was out in the open than unknown so the conversation was a good thing over all, despite the undesirable result.

So cheer practices and no emotion ensued, me ignoring the situation, Steph being ever so slightly off with the coach because I of course told her everything. She thought that he led me on a lot with texts and such like and I have to say, I kinda agree with her but I seem to have an inability to be angry at people in these types of situations. I still like him too much. So Christmas rolls in and in food poisoning delirium (from sausages) and being alone in the house, I text him. It's only innocent, telling him to have a good time over the holidays, not really expecting a reply. Reply he does though and whilst I'm in bed for 2 days solid we text pretty much none stop. Now I think it's essential that I don't get the wrong idea here as whilst my texts have been in some places openly flirty, his have been totally matey with talk of 'When I get back we have to go on a night out and pull loads of guys, I need to let loose and be the whore that I am.' I'm confused at this. He knows I like him A LOT so why is he talking to me about going out and pulling loads of guys that aren't me? I don't get it.

He's also made what he wants all too clear saying things like 'I don't want a boyfriend, I'd much rather just get drunk with my mates (like you).' I don't know what I expected but these were kinda hurtful. Yeah I'm getting that he doesn't want a relationship but you can't just put someone that really likes you, someone that you've done stuff with, in a friend box just like that. I know this totally goes back on the 'if you need me to be a friend...' comment but this has happened to me twice now and I'm not too happy about it, especially when boyfriends just seem to fall into Dave's lap. Last time I brought that fact up with someone her comment was 'Yeah but Dave's really hot and you're...' I downed my drink and didn't listen to the rest for fear of triggering depression and/or suicide. Right so I'm doomed to a life of hearing 'Let's just be friends because that is all I want despite making you think I wanted you...' Fun stuff. I think I've just kicked the cynicism on this blog up a notch. I'm probably only just bitter because I haven't yet been in the drivers seat when it comes to guys, there's time for that though I hope :p

OK, it's the first week of 2009 and after having an absolutely amazing new year's eve at Godskitchen at Air in Birmingham with Steph, I find myself alone in this house again for a week. It does bring back memories of August but I've changed so much since then, like a scary amount. I'm a better person now I'd say, I've become better at life in general but I suppose my core personality is still more-or-less the same. So this week is hopefully going to be spent doing lots of work in the library ready for looming deadlines and exams. The coach's flight lands tomorrow (yep, he's from a far away country, maybe one some of you readers are from) and I think it will be interesting to see if I get any more texts when he's back in Liverpool. I know his term starts tomorrow as well (mine doesn't start for another week) and with the knowledge that he doesn't live near the university and therefore spends some free time in the library or the union I intend to make the most of the library and the union when getting work done. This isn't because I particularly want to run into him, I just wouldn't mind him seeing me in normal clothes and not in a sporting environment. I've also had my ears pierced, as I'm obviously extremely unattractive - we know from the above comment - and need to rely on jewellery to distract people from the horrors of my face. I think they suit me and if people disagree I'm going to tell them that they're wrong. This is something he'd notice and when I do see him I can gage from his reaction whether he's been looking at recent photos of me on Facebook or if he's seeing them for the first time. I'm over thinking things, right? Yeah, I so know, but I can't really help it. This kinda patheticism is hard to shake off.

I guess, picking through all that whining, that my main new year's resolutions are to work hard, live life and not care about stuff too much. I think I need to realise that some things are out of my control, as much as I hate that fact. Well I suppose we'll see if these self involved lessons are learnt over the next few months :p

Back soon, and this time the 'soon' isn't a lie.
Thanks for reading.