Posting has admittedly been erratic at best recently. The reason being I've found it hard to drum up the motivation/inspiration to write a good post.
In all honesty, I feel a bit dead inside. It's like I'm waiting for something meaningful to provoke a strong emotional reaction. I'm sick of the usual, tired of the everyday.
It's Thursday the 5th, it's Dave's birthday. As predicted, the fireworks of Guy Fawkes Night have been shirked in favour of a night in 'gay town' (what we kids call the area of gay clubs in a city) with an unlikely group of his friends and some of their friends. Throughout most of the night I take refuge in the few I know well, rarely dipping into the polite superficial conversation needed for others. I'm just not in the mood - it's odd to think I actually make friends sometimes.
A few incidents of one of the group hitting on me and asking Dave if I'm a top or a bottom make me want to talk less to people. The guy in question is the most notorious player on the scene - I'd never go there. Moving on to the final club sees a few guys showing interest and that's when it hits me. Yeah some are attractive but I don't care. I literally don't care about getting with them. I don't think I'd get much enjoyment from it and I don't really care about their feelings. This applies in a big way to Mr. Six Doors Down as every time we slept together I felt like I was somewhere else. Completely not into it. Gone are the days where I used to run after guy who wasn't all that hot just because he showed interest. It's like I now need something more than just looks. I'm not sure what's happening here. Am I growing up?
This comes as a severe blow to my planned slaggy stage. Now I don't want to be in a relationship but it seems I won't just sleep with whoever either. I feel a bit lost. My internal engine, coughing and spluttering for a good while, has died once and for all and looks like it needs a vigorous kick start. The thing is though, I have no idea how I'm going to go about finding the increased emotional connection I so obviously crave. I feel like I'm singing the chorus of Leighton Meester's Somebody To Love and I want someone to sing Robin Thicke's part to me (to be fair I'd be happy with Robin Thicke singing anything to me - he's sexy as hell). These days it's got to the stage where I know too many people on the small Liverpool gay scene, personally or by reputation, and they in turn know everyone else. It's like it's impossible to meet someone you know nothing about, impossible to have a completely private relationship.
To complicated things I've been getting texts from an unknown number. The first one was 'Hey big boy x'. After me asking who the sender was and them refusing to tell me but instructing me to ring in five minutes saying that they had a 'surprise for me' I said I'd rather sleep through my hang over and haven't texted back since. I don't know who this person is but if they're trying to hit on me they're going the wrong way about it. The only lead I have is that the person keeps calling me 'Tommy' in the texts. The only person I can think who calls me Tommy is the coach. This is not good.