Thursday, 27 November 2008

Left hanging.

Life's hard.
Boys are hard.
People are hard.

In between arguing with myself whether to go into uni or not, watching back-to-back episodes of One Tree Hill and sitting in my bed thinking about my life, I've also been preoccupied with a certain person. Yep, it's the coach.

I'm not good at this part, I'll probably never be good at this part, I don't like being left hanging. OK, so, since my last post things have been going with the coach in the way that they haven't. At cheer things are so normal it's uncomfortable. I ignore him, he ignores me and does his coach thing and I feel shit at the end of every sesh because I'm not flirty enough or cute enough and always too sweaty and disgusting looking. There have also been texts, innocent but flirty, fun but serious. I've seen him out of cheer and been round to his house and that but nothing has really happened. I get the impression he's just not that into me.

Just recently though, I think I've got the picture. Talks with Steph have outlined the fact that he just wants things to be kept completely casual. I thought I was fine with that at the time but looking back I think I was still too emotionally involved. I suppose a week ago, when asked the question 'Would you kiss someone else in a club if he was there?' I would have definitely said no. Now though, looking into the situation a bit more I would say yes. The coach isn't over his boyfriend at all and I get that he doesn't want anything right now. With texts like 'Boyfriends are so overrated.' when talking about someone off the TV who I thought was boyfriend material, I think it's pretty clear.

However, preparing myself for no strings fun - in a completely better state of mind - any invites to his have ended in kissing at most or have just been cancelled when all other people have dropped out. I had an embarrassing situation when I was invited round with Steph to watch X Factor. I showered and did my hair and dressed the best I could after finding out that Steph was going out for a meal so couldn't make it. I texted the coach to confirm that it was still on and ask him if it was OK that it was just me. I settled down to wait, flicking through channels - ever ready to call a taxi when I got a text back. I didn't get one. He evidently doesn't really want to be alone with me which I find odd seen as the first time we were alone he was the one that 'turned up the heat' and came on to me. Only a couple of reasons I can think of for this, he's gone off me, he was disappointed, or both. I don't really mind about either I wish he'd just tell me straight then I could deal with it and move on. Not knowing is much worse because I clearly go through cycles of pointless unhealthy self obsession. Fun stuff.

The Plan
As all problems need a plan and I seem to be getting really good at coming up with useless ones, I thought I'd ruin my life more by following another one. OK, at cheer - try to look amazing (as usual) but also act really happy as an added facade and largely ignore him (as usual). Find someone else and make sure he knows about it. I want to be appreciated thanks. Maybe it's foolish, maybe I should be thankful for what I've got but I can't help feeling a little dissatisfied.

Thanks for acting as psychiatrists.
I'll keep you updated.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Ride the roller coaster.

OK. Just as a warning - big update coming :D

I think it's odd that someone can make you feel so good and so bad at the same time. The past week I've been pretty much on a roller coaster of emotions. Things have developed rapidly with the cheer coach. I feel like all you readers are friends that I haven't told but am dying to. It's a actually a crime that I haven't spoken up to now! Anyway. I had another night out on Thursday with the cheer lot, it was the week after Dave's birthday night out and it seemed like things had simmered down. I'd told him I was OK with everything because he did in fact come clean with me in the end. Steph thinks I was wayyyy too soft on him but when it comes to things like that I'm pretty awful at staying angry at people.

So I go round to Dave's for pre drinks and his boyfriend is there. Don't ask me why but I iron his boyfriend's shirt whilst frantically drinking vodka and orange out of a mug. Yep, being a Thursday it's right after cheer, having had barely any time to have a shower and get ready I haven't also had time to eat so I'm feeling it after the 2nd or 3rd mug - we haven't even left the flat. Once we do finally leave I get texts from the cheer leading lot wantin
g to meet me, as much as I'd love to I can't really be rude and leave Dave and his bf despite feeling like a complete gooseberry. I decide I'm not drunk enough for something like this and drink my thoughts away in all of the many bars we go to. After getting completely violated by a really old rather large man in a club I get a text from the coach saying that he's in the club down the road. I tell Dave I want to go, he says it's too early for that particular place and I'd really rather not go on my own and look too eager.

So, it gets later on in the night and after much pleading we finally make our way to the club. I immediately look around. I can't find him. With Dave flaunting his boyfriend in my face constantly I need some company soon to keep my sanity. More drinks down my throat and I'm on my way to being totally wasted and I spot the coach across the room. In my state, my original plan to again play it cool (that's the only way I know how to play things) goes out the window and I'm all over him in a second. We dance, I dance with his friends, we dance some more, I go in for the kill, he wants it and we kiss but he keeps pulling away again. I'm not impressed. I try many times throughout the night as I clearly have an inability to read any hints or signs and before I know it we've split up, I'm with other cheerleaders and it's time to go home. Feeling a bit depressed outside a club I get a phone call from him. It goes something like this:

Him: "Hey, where are you?"

Me: "I'm just outside. You?"

"Oh. I've just got a taxi with my friends."

"Oh OK. That's fine. I guess I'll see you on Monday at cheer."

"I'll see you before then. You're coming round this weekend."

(Happier tone in my voice) "Oh OK. I'll see you this weekend then."

Yep, he invited me round. I'm giddy again.

So, the weekend rolls around before I know it - the days kinda bleed into one. I don't quite know what's happening though. H
e's invited me round and told me to bring Steph (they're good friends as they're on the same course but in different years as well as being cheerleaders) but not told me when or anything. I have plans on Saturday night which I can not get out of. He asks me to come round on Saturday night. Frantic, I get Steph to ask him if we can go over early giving me the chance to go out with one of my friends afterwards. He agrees. We arrive around half 7 as it's a bus ride away. He told us to be there around 6. We're unfashionably late. Luckily though, he has two friends there and we settle down for a smoke and to watch X Factor. He's hung over apparently but still manages to look perfect and if I say so myself, I look pretty good. My hair is the best it's been in a very long time and I'm wearing a new top which is tight enough to show off my arms/pecs.

I get a text from the friend I'm going out with after about an hour and a half of being there. I have to leave and I really don't want to but after ordering a taxi there's no turning back. He gets up to see us out and Steph goes first and just as I'm leaving he shuts the door and pulls me close and kisses me, saying "Make sure you come back, OK?" I mumble that I will and collapse into the taxi. I'm going back tonight, there are no two ways about it.

A fairly awful night with my friend ensues, not helped by the fact that I could be somewhere else and I'm thinking about the coach constantly. The only highlight is running into Amy. I don't know what it is but whenever I see her it's like she has a glow around her. It makes her stand out on a dance floor full of people. Made to stay in t
he club by my friend until at least 2:45, I'm not a very happy person. Steph said she'd wait up for me to go back to the coach's but I know by this stage she'll be asleep. I ring her. She doesn't pick up her phone. Me itching to leave and a taxi ride to my friend's flat later, I get caught up talking to her flat mates. I'm still all too evidently itching to leave so I rudely ask if I can get my coat and then I leave.

I walk back to my house and sit debating whether I should get a taxi and go back to the coach's alone. Steph, my buffer person has let me down so it'll be just me, him and his friends and eventually just me and him. I decide to write out a text asking him if he's still awake and still wants me to come round. Just as I'm finishing it I get one from him saying "So what's happening?". I take that to mean he's still awake and text him saying that I can get a taxi. I order a taxi and get in
spouting out the address I know by heart after only being there once.

I only have £5 on me though and it's an expensive company for some reason - it was the only number I could find - so halfway down the road he lives on I have to stop the taxi just as the toll hits £5. I walk the rest of the way down the street and I'm at his door. I feel like I'm dying of a heartattack and I'm acutely aware that I smell of post night out alco
hol and sweatiness - not attractive. He invites me in, we don't hug, and I settle down on the floor and smoke some more. By this stage I'm ready to sleep but the tension in the room keeps me awake. We watch TV and as the programme finishes his friends decide to leave. They finally leave, I'm nervous. I strategically move onto the sofa whilst the coach sees them to the door and he comes back in and everything is surprisingly relaxed. He sits next to me and we cuddle and watch TV for a bit and talk some. He's stroking my side through my slightly rolled up t shirt and I'm so aware of it. I feel like my heart is gonna jump out of my chest but I love it.

Not too long later he rolls over and we start kissing. It inevitably gets a bit heated and I don't know if he can tell but I want him so badly it's untrue. He gets up to go to the toilet and when he comes back I've obviously repositioned myself on the sofa to try and look as perfect yet as casual as possible. He takes me hand and says "I'm bored of the sofa." and leads me to his bedroom. I think it's odd that in situations like this all rational thoughts slip your mind. You are literally acting on instinct. Normally freaked out and neurotic I'm completely cool and calm in this situation.

We start up again on the bed and I'm generally a bit bewildered about what he wants. I take care not to move things any further in case he thinks it's too fast or anything and just go with the flow basically. Not too far in though it's clear he wants more than just kissing and groping as he takes my top off, I take his off. A bit later on he undoes my belt, I take my pants off and do the same to him. Soon after that our boxers join the multitude of discarded clothes scattered around the room. He'
s such a good kisser and I think I'm being shit. You know when you just have days when you're just not completely in the groove? Well it was like that with me but I'm hoping he was a good enough kisser for the both of us. Hearing of his legendary experience from Steph I'm slightly worried about that part. I'm not sure if he realises quite how inexperienced I am.

I decide to take the initiative and after lots of dry humping and rolling about and kissing I roll him over and make the journey down his body to start sucking him off. I pray that he's enjoying it and by his moaning I guess that he is. I go outside of myself, take things on which I haven't done before. Somehow I know roughly which parts of the body to tease and touch to make things more exciting. I pay attention to the nipples, the small of his back, his armpits - the works. I start to play with his hole whilst sucking him off and his heavier breathing either means that he doesn't like it or he's liking it a bit too much. He leans down and pulls me back up to kiss. This routine repeats many times so I'm thinking he doesn't want to finish? At one point he keeps trying to roll over so I get the hint he wants to be on his front. I let it happen and before I know what I'm doing I'm running my tongue down his back and then rimming him. He seems to love it so w
e do it for a while until he flips me over and starts to suck me off. It is actually amazing and later on i realise why, he has his tongue pierced. Surprisingly enough I didn't even feel it whilst kissing him, well I think I did but just didn't think anything of it. Things like that weren't really on my mind.

We carry on the charade and it must have been over an hour - maybe 2? - when he gets up and goes to the toilet, I need
the toilet as well. Neither of us have finished but we're both so tired that we get in and cuddle and sleep. Does that mean that I'm rubbish in bed? I'm a bit worried about that one. Maybe he got bored. Anyway, this is about half 7 in the morning and at about half 9 Steph texts me. It wakes me up but he sleeps on. After this I just can't get to sleep. I go through a period after doing stuff with someone where I'm so hungry in the morning it actually hurts. So I lie there watching him, waiting for it to pass. It does and I relax and doze and cuddle him and stare at him whilst he's sleeping and mentally jump for joy all up until 2 in the afternoon. Maybe it's because I'm cuddling him too violently or something but he wakes up around this time and we dry hump and kiss loads again. We're both so up for it because neither of us finished last night but I know that he doesn't want to start anything proper up again so we pretty much keep it innocent and hug each other close.

We stay in bed until about half 5. Most of that is talking time and I explain that the whole coach thing is a turn on and he says that maybe he should bring that voice into the bedroom. We talk loads and cuddle and it's so good I can't quite believe it. I ask him how old he is telling him that I think he's 23 and he's shocked and offended. He's actually 21. It's my turn to be shocked. He tells me about his life and it turns out that it's pretty exciting and he's well travelled and everything. I mean, I'm well travelled but he's lived in so many different places and he's only 2 years older than me. When we do finally manage to get out of bed he goes to have a shower and I search the room for my clothes which are in various piles on the floor and get dressed. When he's done I'm in the living room and he keeps coming over to kiss me which is soooo good and once we're ready to leave we're both on the sofa again and I really don't wanna leave.

We kiss some more and hug some more and finally brave the outdoors. Giving up on the bus we get a taxi to drop me off at my house on the way, as he's going into town, and it's a nice ride. I'm relaxed. Arriving at mine I squeeze his leg and tell him I had fun, get out of the cab and walk to my door without looking back. I think to myself that I couldn't have played the whole day any better. It'll just be interesting to see how things go from here. I'm excited.

Thanks for reading.
I'll keep you updated.

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Sleep the loneliness off.

I've been on my own this weekend - the first time since the long period before uni started. It's been good, I've been allowed to think in other places than the toilet, but I must admit - I have got a bit lonely and not really knowing what to do last night I rolled into bed at about 11, feeling very sorry for myself after listening to Radiohead for about 4 hours. I'll tell you why in a bit.

The Birthday Night Out
Yep it came around - Dave's Birthday. Steph had of course gone to far too
much effort with it all and coming home from uni on Thursday I'm met with balloons everywhere and party food laid out. The plan is to all meet at our house, seen as Dave pretty much lives here anyway, and then go into town and eventually some gay bars. Dave and Mr. Perfect arrive and the fact that it's just after cheerleading and I still haven't eaten any tea mean that after a can of Strongbow I can feel it and after 2 I'm on my way to getting drunk. Despite knowing this I continue to drink ridiculous amounts as the house slowly fills with more people and before I know it I'm doing cheerleading stunts out front with Dave, another guy and Steph as the flyer. This is not a good idea but somehow we pull off twists, extensions, and single basing without incident.

Already not fit for walking very far we finally make it into town and a couple of bars later we get to the gay area and meet some of the cheerleaders a
nd namely, the coach. OK, I've liked the coach since I met him, yeah I also like someone else on the squad but it actually isn't impossible to like 2 people at the same time! Anyway, the 2 that I like just happen to be exes so I shouldn't get involved to avoid a messy situation, right? Well, about 5 minutes into meeting up with the coach - I'm so drunk by this stage I can't remember how things happened - we're kissing against the bar. I'm suddenly telling him I like him and he keeps pushing me away. Miffed, but very drunk I do not get the hint and keep going back for more. Moving around a couple of bars we end up in my old haunt - my first gay bar, where my first kiss happened, and the toilet incident. I think I was acting a bit outrageous to be honest because I remember grinding with the coach loads and just being a bit inappropriate. I can't really remember if he enjoyed it or not! The night unfolds and after much more dancing and attempted kissing it's time to go home and I'm being dragged away.

I don't leave, however, before we run into the other guy that I like off the cheerleading squad. We start talking and he says to me 'I hope you know how much of a dick Dave is.' Bewildered I think I actually say something super intellectual like 'Huh?' The rest of the conversat
ion goes like this:

'Well you do know that we had sex? Don't you?'

'I'm sorry, what?'

'Well he kept saying to me how much you'd pay to be in his position.'

'What?! He got with you knowing I liked you and then lied about it to my face!'

'Yeah. Don't trust him, he's not a nice person.'

(me starting to embarrassingly kinda half crying kinda half groaning in despair.) - Yep, I can remember that bit even though I wish I couldn't. In the end Dave himself comes to get me to leave and apparently I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone - I do not remember that bit. It's up to what seems like the only straight guy there - the guy that bases with me at cheer - to drag me away and I'm the perfect representation of drunken tears as we go get food, as we're eating the food, as we look for a taxi, in the taxi but by the time we get home I'm stumbling upstairs into bed thinking only of sleep.

The Aftermath
It's Friday morning, I'm feeling rough but Steph bursts into my room at 9 and is like 'Oh my God, you kissed the coach!' I'm not impressed by this arrival. She gets into bed next to me and we talk and I'm giddy cos I really like him and she's giddy because she's loving the thought of it. We don't talk about the Dave thing because she doesn't know but she leaves and Dave comes in and I confront him - he denies everything, I tell him I don't believe him, he leaves.

Feeling kinda bad, I'm taking the word of someone I barely know over one of my friends, I go downstairs to Steph's r
oom. As the house empties of people that stayed over it's just Dave, Steph and myself left. We talk, he denies everything. Both me and Steph tell him we believe him. I say I want to know the truth over anything else and that if it comes out that he's lying I'll be a thousand times more annoyed. He has so many opportunities to come clean bit doesn't - just sits in silence. Neither Steph nor I believe him but we don't say anything. He leaves when his boyfriend comes over.

Steph and I talk and I explain that it's not the fact that it happened that annoys me - it's the fact that he's lying about it. I say that he obviously did it with malicious intent from the things he said and the fact that he had no intention of going any further as he was trying to get together with Mr. Perfect (his current boyfriend) at that stage. I'm pissed off. As
of yesterday Dave still thought we believe him until I text him saying that I'd prefer it if we didn't speak for a while because I'm not cool with everything. I'm not and I don't think I can speak to him without getting angry. You do not lie to your friends, you just don't do it.

Steph gets a phone call on Friday though. It's from the coach. Steph being Steph plays things perfectly. She says all the right things about me and tells me everything later. It turns out that he was pushing me away because he doesn't want to jeopardize things with the squad and make things awkward and that if he'd given in he'd have taken me home. I'm giddy all over again - I really like him. He says he's sent me a Facebook message as well. I love Facebook at that moment. I check Facebook. It's short and sweet just asking how I am with a light hearted tone. I message back with an apology for being so drunk and say that I'd spoken to Steph and that the last thing I want to do is mess things up at cheerleading, Dave has done enough messing up already. He messages back thanking me for being cool and mature and I say that he shouldn't expect anything less.

The Plan
Seen as I'm not really speaking to Dave and half the squad pretty much detest him - they all know what's happened between me and him with the other guy involved but he's also messed about with a girl as well (he's bi-sexual remember). So, the plan would be to go to cheer on Monday separate from Dave - we usually arrive together with Steph - just to let people know I'm not OK with everything. Part 2 of the plan is to look amazing, just because that should be a part of every plan. I'm thinking a vest is the way to go or a tight t shirt with far too much effort put into my hair. Is it gonna be awkward? Are people gonna talk to me? Are people gonna be pissed off because I do in fact like 2 guys on the squad? Who knows, but I'm willing to brave it.

I'll let you know how it goes.
Back soon :)

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Time for a toilet break?

I think it's odd how sitting on the toilet can induce such deep thoughts. It seems a strange environment for ponderment. Well, I have been on the toilet today and I've been thinking a lot.

Posting just hasn't been on my mind recently. I apologise for that. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to post more often rather than actually just doing it. If I didn't worry about it I'd probably post e
very day - this is the exact same thing with my uni work. I need to really pull my socks up I'm thinking.

So, the Dave situation. Now I've got to know him I couldn't be less attracted to him at this point. He's actually starting to annoy me, his personality as a friend grates really badly against mine and I'm not sure if I can even deal with that. The other day, he slept in my bed and I just couldn't be doing with it. I was fidgety and restless and couldn't get comfortable with him there. Whatever spark was there has now definitely died and I'm kinda quite glad of that. In a sort of big headed, horrible person ki
nda way I sort of thing that I can maybe do better? Not that I wanted a relationship with him in the first place or anything but, is that bad? Nope, I'm not gonna feel bad about it, I'm treating it as the truth.

Apparently, according to my many sometimes reliable sources one of the guys from cheerleading is a bit interested in me. This however is not a good thing. The guy in question is pretty much best mates with one that I'm interested in. This means that he won't go anywhere near so as not to upset the one that likes me. Complicated as it seems it just means that no one's gonna touch me with a barge pole in that area of my life, apart from the one that likes me but, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole so I guess I'm just getting a taste of my own medicine.

Before I forget. I feel like shit. There's now a Mr. perfect in the me and Dave equation and I'm not liking it at all. Dave's got a new boyfriend and despite pretending that nothing has happened between us he's flauting him in my face. Normally I'd tell myself to stop being si
lly and move on but this perfect guy is just that - perfect. Almost uncomfortably attractive, after meeting him he's already won me over on personality as well and trust me, I'm not easily won over. I'm sorry to say this with maybe a slight tone of bitterness and jealousy but he's too good for Dave. Yeah ok, I'm a horrible person again. That's twice in this post. I think I'm being unnecessarily mean and not really thinking about what I'm saying but right this second I honestly believe it. This guy is nice, manly, good looking, normal, at ease with himself and as far as I know not annoying. Dave is nice, girly, ok looking, not normal, not at ease with himself and very annoying at times. Once I've put it like that they could in fact be a match made in heaven. I refuse to believe this relationship will last and if it does I wil probably eat my own arm in annoyance. I do not have any feelings for Dave at all just to make that clear. The aftereffects of once kinda liking him aren't something to rave about either. It's like waking up with a funny taste in my mouth and not being able to get rid of it all day.

Steph's been brilliant though. As she knows everything that happened she said that I'm right for feeling shit and that Dave is being a bit of dickhead. She said I could moan about it all day. I moaned for 5 minutes and then got bored and felt like I was keeping her from doing stuff. Eugh. He doesn't deserve a boyfriend! I do! Is the reason I don't have one because I'm a bad person? I think that may be the case taking into account how bad this post makes me look.

Anyway. Dave's birthday night out is tomorrow and we'll probably end up in a gay bar. He'll be showing off his new play-thing, I'll be slitting my wrists in the corner and everyone will be none the wiser. Is it time to stop whining? I am oh so fond of the whining so that'll be hard to let go of at least for another couple of weeks.

Anyway, after what seems like the millionth play of the new Craig David song 'Insomnia' I may actually climb into bed and sleep forever..

I'll keep you updated.
Back soon.