Boys are hard.
People are hard.
In between arguing with myself whether to go into uni or not, watching back-to-back episodes of One Tree Hill and sitting in my bed thinking about my life, I've also been preoccupied with a certain person. Yep, it's the coach.
I'm not good at this part, I'll probably never be good at this part, I don't like being left hanging. OK, so, since my last post things have been going with the coach in the way that they haven't. At cheer things are so normal it's uncomfortable. I ignore him, he ignores me and does his coach thing and I feel shit at the end of every sesh because I'm not flirty enough or cute enough and always too sweaty and disgusting looking. There have also been texts, innocent but flirty, fun but serious. I've seen him out of cheer and been round to his house and that but nothing has really happened. I get the impression he's just not that into me.
Just recently though, I think I've got the picture. Talks with Steph have outlined the fact that he just wants things to be kept completely casual. I thought I was fine with that at the time but looking back I think I was still too emotionally involved. I suppose a week ago, when asked the question 'Would you kiss someone else in a club if he was there?' I would have definitely said no. Now though, looking into the situation a bit more I would say yes. The coach isn't over his boyfriend at all and I get that he doesn't want anything right now. With texts like 'Boyfriends are so overrated.' when talking about someone off the TV who I thought was boyfriend material, I think it's pretty clear.
However, preparing myself for no strings fun - in a completely better state of mind - any invites to his have ended in kissing at most or have just been cancelled when all other people have dropped out. I had an embarrassing situation when I was invited round with Steph to watch X Factor. I showered and did my hair and dressed the best I could after finding out that Steph was going out for a meal so couldn't make it. I texted the coach to confirm that it was still on and ask him if it was OK that it was just me. I settled down to wait, flicking through channels - ever ready to call a taxi when I got a text back. I didn't get one. He evidently doesn't really want to be alone with me which I find odd seen as the first time we were alone he was the one that 'turned up the heat' and came on to me. Only a couple of reasons I can think of for this, he's gone off me, he was disappointed, or both. I don't really mind about either I wish he'd just tell me straight then I could deal with it and move on. Not knowing is much worse because I clearly go through cycles of pointless unhealthy self obsession. Fun stuff.
As all problems need a plan and I seem to be getting really good at coming up with useless ones, I thought I'd ruin my life more by following another one. OK, at cheer - try to look amazing (as usual) but also act really happy as an added facade and largely ignore him (as usual). Find someone else and make sure he knows about it. I want to be appreciated thanks. Maybe it's foolish, maybe I should be thankful for what I've got but I can't help feeling a little dissatisfied.
Thanks for acting as psychiatrists.
I'll keep you updated.