Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Round and round the Merry-Go-Round.


Hey.

In the spirit of keeping on top of things and blogging more often I've decided to just plain old make some time for it.

I feel strange. I've gone from 'Physical contact? I'm sorry, what now?' to 'How about a quickie in nightclub toilets' in the space of about a month and a half. I don't really understand how I've got here mentally. Maybe I haven't.

After being sure I had this post planned out in my head, now it comes down it it's not going too smoothly. I'm sat on my bed with my laptop listening to an old Radiohead album - Pablo Honey - and being all a bit too pensive. I think I'll take this total lack of content as an opportunity to write more about myself:

1. I'm in a constant battle with greasy skin and spots. I wash my face and take more care than most but I can't seem to shake the teenage skin. It may be because I am in fact still a teenager.

2. I'm about 5' 9", perhaps a bit taller. I kinda like my height. I'm not in any way 'hot' so my not too tall stature means that I can possibly make 'cute' work for me? That's probably only if I try really hard with my appearance mind.

3. I'd say I was fairly straight acting. I mean, I have been fooling people for years so my flame musn't be that bright.

4. I find myself with no money on too many occasions. I tell myself that I'm good at budgeting but find out that I'm probably the worst person in the world at it, try to teach myself a lesson in money management which then fools me into thinking I'm good at budgeting again and the cycle continues. You'd have thought I'd have learnt by now.

5. I'd say I was shy but I've become much much better at meeting new people as I've grown up. I've only ever been shy because I've not been comfortable being myself around people I've just met. This is still a bit of a problem but I just deal with it better now.

6. I think I can handle just about anything apart from a) being humiliated, b) a person losing respect for me. I generally believe that there are much worse things than people insulting you. That's nothing.

7. I sometimes think that people think I have no personality and I'm terrified of that. I'd rather people hated me than that.

8. I can be extremely nasty at times. Mostly it's deserved. If it isn't and it's someone I care about I feel absolutely awful about it for weeks.

9. I dwell on things too much, find it difficult to move on from bad events. I find it extremely easy to move on from good things though. I don't think I acknowledge good things in a normal way, I sort of use them to reinforce my mental stability so the bad doesn't bring everything crashing down.

10. I weigh about 145lbs. It's mostly muscle despite not doing much at the moment as the last couple of weeks of cheerleading have been hard. I think I'm actually growing a new back because my old one just wasn't good enough. That's definitely what it feels like anyway.

That was a fun list.

As a bit of an update and to add to the the unstructured mess this post has become, I told Anna that I'm gay the other day. The conversation was a short one which I hate. I'd rather people got everything out of their system and asked as many questions as they could think of. I knew this wouldn't happen with Anna though. She's so laid back she's pretty much horizontal. That doesn't mean that she has no questions though. I've had Steph on the case in an attempt to gossip and draw things out of her when I'm not around. It hasn't worked.

I'm also at the point where a small taste of a life that isn't sex-less has driven me to a bit of an obsession with getting a guy to myself. It's not like I wasn't obsessed before but now I have options it's increased about ten fold. There's this new guy at cheerleading. I'm using the term 'new' loosely as he's actually a veteran but just hasn't been to many this year. Apparently he's the coach's ex and he's kinda cute. He has piercings - I know right, unconventional for a cheerleader - and I've heard he's a really nice guy as well. A bit of a Facebook stalk has told me that we're into some of the same things and as far as I know he's single. The bad news to all this is that Dave also likes him so I may have a fight on my hands and seen as we've been from friends to more than friends to almost rivals (as that's pretty much what it's become lately) it could get a bit messy.

Over and out for now.

P.S. I'm using the numbering and relatively small paragraphs to warrant not putting pictures in. I'm feeling a bit lazy.


Monday, 20 October 2008

Get a room.


Hey.

This week has again been one to remember. Dave ended up cracking and telling Steph everything that's happened between us. Yeah I'd already told her but she acted surprised and couldn't understand how much nudging he needed to spill the beans. He then said to me that he wasn't ready to tell her at all because he's not even ready to be labelled as gay yet - despite ha
ving had a boyfriend. I got annoyed at that and told him to get over himself and just accept who he is. He didn't take that too kindly and maybe it was a bit insensitive but I said what I needed to say and things have been a bit weird since.

Right, to the juicy stuff. It's a bit of a corker but I'm not sure if that's for the righ
t reasons. So, with everyone gone home for the weekend except Dave, Anna (one of my housemates) and I we decide to go to a house party on Saturday night. It'd be a bit awkward if we weren't at least a bit wasted and with a mixture of cider, vodka sweets and sufficiently bad 90s music we we're halfway there. Finally getting ready to leave we get a taxi, arrive at the house party, realise how shit it is and how everyone else is in fancy dress and get in another taxi about half an hour later. We're a bit depressed at this stage. Both myself and Anna just want to go to bed, the shock of the bad house party has sobered us up just enough for us to realise that we haven't slept properly in a very long time. Dave however is ready to go out clubbing and says he wants us to have 'the best night of our lives'. A quick stop at home to pick up a few things and we're taking posey photos in a taxi on our way to a well known gay bar in town. Anna doesn't know I'm gay. I avoid the subject and pretend I have no idea where we're going.

We finally get there, stop
at a cash point and walk through the doors and the first thing Anna says is 'this is a fucking gay bar isn't it?!' and Dave is just like 'Erm, yeah, it kinda is.' I'm still avoiding the subject at this point. Shots, shots and more shots and we're ready to move on the another bar and end up just across the road at an almost empty place with a 'gay only' policy. Now I'm not the jealous type but Dave kisses about 5 guys in a row in this place and seeing the look of obvious disgust on my face an older looking man comes over and starts talking to me. He says that I'm a really nice looking lad and that he can't believe that Dave's just fucked me off for a load of other guys. He tells me that I can do much better, that he's a shit dancer and that I should forget about him and move on. At the time this means the world to me. I'm drunk in a bar watching someone I like and know likes me getting loads of attention so yeah, that pep talk helped a lot. How this man knew exactly what I was thinking though, is beyond me.

We again move bars to the place I got my first taste of gay nightlife with Haley. That seems like forever ago now despite only being in April. I've changed a lot since then
- a lot has happened. Dave continues to get attention and to be fair I act quite childish and make an effort to lose myself on the dance floor. It works. Not only do I lose them temporarily but I actually don't know where they are. I'm not in the right state of mind to care though. This guy starts talking to me, he's not all that attractive but I wouldn't have said no. I don't remember his name and I only remember his friend's name because he said she was called Leona like Leona Lewis. We do the whole superficial thing and get on quite well. He asks if I'm straight and I look at him scathingly and ask him what type of bar we're in. He laughs and tells me the amount of guys he hits on only to find that their girlfriends are stood next to them. The conversation flows.

We've been been talking for about 10 minutes and this other guy with no shirt on starts dancing with me. At first I'm kinda like 'well that was rude' because he interrupted us but I quickly forget about the other guy (this g
uy is without a shirt people!) and he gets bored and moves away. Mr. Shirtless and I sort of coyly dance around each other for a while so I decide to do a bit of an experiment and move slightly away. Sure enough he comes round and dances near me again. I'm excited. I don't know whether it's because he manages to pluck up the courage but he finally asks me if I'm not hot with my top on. I reply that I'm boiling and before I know it he's taking it off for me whilst my arms are in the air. He tucks it in my pants and I get a few wolf whistles which makes us both laugh. Again with the coy dancing but this time I make the next move - much to my own surprise. At a particularly basey bit of the song I grab him and we start grinding. He seems to enjoy it and it isn't long before we're kissing. Throughout the night he buys me drinks - water more than anything - and we kiss loads. He seems to know so many people so I ask him if he's from Liverpool or not. He says that he's not and that he's just travelled in from somewhere near Worcester and that he's staying at a friend's house. Slightly disappointed at the fact that there would be no further meet ups he then tells me that I can't go back with him for the night. I just want to express how hot this guy is. He has no top on and boy does he have the body for it. However, I'm not sure even now if I'd have spent the night with him if he'd have asked. I don't know. I don't really know where I'm at. My common sense and proper frame of mind say no but I don't know what wild drunken me would have done. In some respects I think I'm probably not ready to do something like that but other parts of me are rearing to go.

Anyway, there isn't an option here so that's not a problem. After saying things in my ear like 'You're so sexy', 'I can't believe I've got with you' and the like he then says 'This may sound a bit seedy but do you want a play in the toilets downstairs?' I've clearly played the cute card to death already with my responses to his previous comments so I say 'Nothing's too seedy' with a dangerous smile just to spice things up a bit. He leads me down to the toilets, we wait for a cubicle for what seems like hours and go in one in an extremely conspicuous manner. As soon as the door shuts the passion is cranked up a notch. We kiss frantically and he undoes my belt and pulls down my pants and starts to wank me off. I push his to the floor, take his hints, crouch down and go to town. He's gonna enjoy this if it kills me. As far as I know he does. We kiss some more and he sucks me off this time and then jacks me off again and I finish. I get down on my knees again to finish the job and he's getting closer and closer, starting to squirm and writhe about but literally just as he's about to blow a bouncer looks over the cubicle door and says 'Oi! Get out and get a hotel room!'. We get dressed - well, as dressed as we were before - run past the bouncer and disappear into the crowd feeling exhilarated.

Back upstairs he tells me 'Well that's a first. I've never been thrown out of toilets before!' I laugh and say something short and completely one brain cell-esque like 'Me neither'. We kiss some more as we dance but this time the boundaries are down and there is much
more groping than before. He puts my hand on his crotch and says 'This is what you're doing to me' whilst flashing his teeth. I can feel all too well what's there :p Just dancing with him and seeing the curve of his back give way to designer boxers drives me wild. I bite my lip in barely controlled lust so frequently I'm surprised it doesn't bleed. I also think I'm a good judge of character and I really do believe that he's a nice guy. The way he acts around me when we dance and how he kisses tell me that he does in fact think I'm attractive but also makes me feel respected. It's a nice notion but there's always the inevitable thought that I've just been taken in by his charm and well practised moves.

As the night draws to a close, just after 6, he tells me that he has to leave and thanks me for making the night 'so much fun'. I toss up asking him for his number but I'm clearly terrified of rejection and obviously want to play it cool - and anyway, I get the vibe that it's not on his mind as he does live fairly far away and I'm just a bit of fun. We kiss even more and both pull away but can't help kissing again but we finally manage it and he says his farewells and I say something unnecessarily ordinary like 'I guess I'll see you around' and try to accompany it with the cutest smile I can muster. He looks like he wants to say something else but I don't let him, turning away and melting into the crowd. A rather businesslike expression on my face, I put my top on and leave the club knowing full well that the battery on my phone has run out and that I have nowhere near enough money for a taxi. So, stepping out onto the street, a bit precariously - it's cobbled, I start the long early morning walk home.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Time to move on?


Hey.

Right, I'm going back to the original plan of getting with someone really hot. I'm obviously just that mature :p The past couple of days have not been much fun. I'm just feeling a bit worthless really. The furthest Dave has got to telling anyone about what happened is saying to Steph that we kissed. I'm sorry but that's just not good enough. Steph obviously knows everything because I told her but Dave doesn't know that she knows and should have told her by now. Is he ashamed? I really don't know what's going through his head.

He's been round at our house every night for the past week and still I'm getting nothing out of him. Whilst I was in the room he was having a heart-to-heart with Steph about his ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriends. I was lying on the bed dozing but heard everything. He said that he thinks he's straight and that his one and only boyfriend was just a blip in his life. Ahem when we've done stuff I haven't exactly had to work hard to get him hard so I'm ruling that one out. I know he's probably just confused but he can't just have me when he wants me and then be 'straight' the rest of the time. Life does not work like that.

Now I know this probably breaks all the friendship/relationship rules but he's kept badgering me asking why I was acting weird over the past couple of days (I didn't mean to act weird, I suppose my feelings shone through) so I told him what the deal was. He was so infuriatingly awful at helping the situation. I received a text yesterday saying:

"But you're cool though yeah? It was fun wasn't it? Don't be getting all weird with me now. Luv ya loads mate, you know I do!"

I wasn't impressed. That was after I unloaded my feelings onto him. Don't worry I didn't go crazy or anything, I made out that it was just me being silly and that I should just get over it. So nothing was talked about/solved at all, he's obviously still gonna try to keep on doing what he's doing - hence the original plan so he realises I'm not just there for him for the taking. Well one thing's for sure, I need to stop worrying about it. I'm not that bothered but he's holding all the cards and I admit, that doesn't suit me too well. I'm new at this though, I need advice. Comment, email, whatever.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Complications.


Hey.

I've been proper busy with uni recently, sorting module clashes out and the like, so I've not really had time to post and so much has happened! I'll try to keep it short but judging by my last couple of posts that's probably not gonna happen.

OK, this thing with Dave. He's been acting like a bit of a dick if I'm honest. He's not said a word to me about the other night and he's basically pretending nothing happened. I'm obviously playing it as cool as possible still and am acting like I'm not bothered. This is a lie - I seem to be doing that a lot nowadays. Whether we're alone or with people doesn't matter, he still acts exactly the same towards me. I mean I'm not bothered like I'm not going crazy or anything but I just think he's being a bit insensitive seen as he knows that it was the first time I've ever done anything with a guy. It'd be lovely if he could just spell out where I stan
d in all this. I know he still has feelings for his ex-boyfriend but whilst watching a movie he stroked my foot and led on my leg. He's either not really that into me or he knows how to deal with the situation as much as I do - not at all. I'm definitely giving off the 'I'm not that into you' vibe so maybe he's just picking up on that? I'm not meaning to as I really like him, I do and that night was... amazing, I just don't wanna look needy and obsessive. Yeah I know, the games we play. I should just tell him how I feel but that would involve actually showing emotion. Hmm, not sure about doing that.

Another thing to throw a spanner in the works is where I went on Monday evening - Cheerleading. Haha, I'm imagining all your faces at that. Yeah it's possibly the gayest thing in the world but do I look like I care?! Straight guys do it as well! Anyway, Steph's the veteran and apparently they're short of guys this year to do the lifting so she literally dragged Dave and me along. This was my first session and after being told that it was pretty much exactly like the film 'Bring It On' I was bricking it. I'm a natural born worrier so I'd thought up every possible worst case scenario even before walking into a hall full of people infinitely more attractive than me. As Dave had been once before he'd already looked to see if there were any hot guys and seemed fixated in one in particular. He enjoyed flaunting him in my face and it turned out that the hot guy was in our group with Dave, him and I as bases for Steph. It was loads of fun in the end, I absolutely loved it despite the scary bit of throwing a living person up in the air and
expecting to catch them and not break anything. It's just Dave was still acting infuriatingly cocky but nonchalant and flirting with every guy there, apart from me of course. Now there are a couple of guys I'd go for on the squad and we're all having a night out tomorrow night and dressing up as cavemen. I think the plan is to make my outfit as revealing as possible - verging on inappropriate - and flirting with some of them in front of Dave? Eugh, I feel like such a child planning things like that. More respectable plan - let things take their own course and stop caring so much.

------------------

Right. I confess, I wrote those 2 paragraphs quite a while ago. I know it sounds like a lie but I have actually not had chance to finish the post. I've either been absolutely shattered or doing something or someone's been in my room or I've been in someone's room etc. The usual. Last night was, a bit interesting. It was the AU night and me being a cheerleader as of Monday had to dress up as a caveman and go for a night out on the town. I wasn't all that drunk and there were shit bits where I realised that I was actually half naked in the middle of a dance floor but apart from that it was fun. It was kinda the night when I realised how messed up Dave actually is. He wouldn't tell anyone he was even bi-sexual and kept saying he was straight to the people we met and he hit on loads of girls I think just to try and prove it more than anything. For once it was me being honest about my sex
uality. I wasn't really bothered and let's face it, I was out with the cheerleaders, people were gonna start asking questions. I did meet a guy though seen as Dave was being a bit of a nob. He was cute and he liked me but I'm told he has a boyfriend so that's a dead end. Yes Dave saw us talking and as much as he would hate to admit it he was acting really jealous.

After the short taxi ride home we get back to the house, sit with our obligatory pizzas on our laps and pretty much crash out on Steph's bed. It's just me, Steph and Dave and compared to them I'm as sober as a judge. I bring my duvet down because there's not really room for 3 people in a single bed for proper sleep and if it's one thing I need it's sleep. Steph's dead to the world and Dave is stumbling about the room for no reason I can fathom. He tells me off for bringing my duvet down and marches upstairs to my bedroom with it and gets in. I also get in. This is when I find out that he may have taken something during the night. He tells me that one of the many girls he kissed gave him something and he doesn't tell me what it was. Suffice to say, he is pretty much out of his head. We cuddle for a bit but soon enough he grabs my hair and we start kissing - I know what's coming. He manoeuvres around so that I'm on top and tries to force my head down. Despite thinking this is kinda rude it's not like I'm complaining so I willing take off his boxers and start doing the dirty work. It takes longer than last time but the result is the same, him writhing in pleasure and me feeling a little less satisfied. He does kinda half-heartedly j
ack me off whilst I'm giving him head but it's not nearly enough to get me off so after he's finished I take care of myself and he complains extensively at how it's all over his chest. I tell him to stop being a woman, he shuts up and we cuddle again. Now about half an hour in he hits the coming down stage. I don't know what he took but looking after him was not the best experience of my life. In between seeing wolves on the hill out of the window, in the room, on him, on me, he can't stop fidgeting or talking crap. This is not what I want at 5 oclock in the morning. I'm torn between leaving him to feel like shit and going to buy Lucozade from a nearby Tesco and staying to make sure he isn't a) sick on my floor and b) crazy enough to jump out the window. The prospect of cleaning up his mess in a hangovered state makes me stay - I can't think of anything worse. At about half 6 he starts to calm down and feel better and we cuddle some more and sleep. I sleep for about an hour, he sleeps for 3. I get up at half 9, avoid all mirrors/reflective surfaces, throw some clothes on and leave for my exam at 10. We don't really say a word to each other.

It makes me wonder if I actually do like him or just being with him. I'm pretty sure that's not the same thing. I love all the cuddles and rare attention and all that but do I actually like him? I don't really know. I've learnt a lot about him in the past couple of weeks and my opinion of him has changed from cool dude who is much more experienced than me and at ease with himself to someone who is not at ease with himself at all and probably has more issues than even I do. It's not a comforting thought. At the moment I'm sort of thinking that he's a stepping stone to better things. I mean I'm not saying I'm better than him but I at least deserve someone that actually wants to be with me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, a break in the story. I'm writing this on a different day.

Another strange development is that someone on Steph's course has recently come out to me. It's odd. I'm usually the person doing the coming out so to be on the other end was extremely bizzare. He messaged me on Facebook saying:

"
Hey! Hope you're feeling a bit better than the other night! I just thought Id message you on the off chance that you might want to go to the cinema or something with me sometime? No worries if not but please don’t say anything to anyone about this! x wb"

I was stunned. Despite not knowing how he knew I was gay I accepted his request to meet -not at the cinema though, I do not like him like that - and we did for lunch on Thursday. I was feeling rough after having an hours sleep and I looked like shit so I could've quite easily called it off but then I put myself in his shoes and turned up smelling of sweat from the night before covered up with too much deodorant. He was soooooo nervous which was sweet and he explained that no one knew apart from him and now me and that he was sure about it and has been for a while. I just tried to act as natural as possible to make him feel at ease. I hope I did a good job and didn't scare him into doing something rash. I think I might message him to make sure.

So yeah, it's been an eventful week. Maybe I might actually form a stable relationship in the future. Who knows? There are a couple of guys at cheerleading that are hot but none of them even look at me. This was probably not helped by my appearance on Thursday as I felt ill, couldn't really lift well and was sweating loads after Wednesday's messy affair. It was bad. Oh and I promise I'll start getting on top of things and will blog more often with less info. I've been having a bit of an overload because it seems I've stumbled across something approaching an actual life. I haven't been coping well :p

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Friday, 3 October 2008

What happens next?

WARNING: There will most likely be adult themes in this post. If you don't wanna read that kind of thing or think that it'd be inappropriate for your age reread another post instead and pretend that it's a brand spanking new one :p

Hey.

This is pretty much the climax of what's been happening over the past couple of weeks so it may be a long one, it depends how much detail I go into. I'm also gonna need advice as well, so those of you out there who think you know how I should play things do not hestitate to comment, it'll be greatly appreciated. More about that later though...

So it's Monday. After sitting watching TV in the kitchen for a while most of my housemates leave for bed as it's getting pretty late and we all have lectures in the morning - Uni officially started this week so there's gonna be less opportunity for partying. I tell myself that tonight's the night for telling Steph as she'll be alone in her room, I've not really had many chances for ages and I wanna get it over and done with as she witnessed the cuddling on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Call it 'clearing the air'. Anyway, I go up to my room and get ready for bed and because I know the time is near my breath gets short and I distract myself with things like tidying my room a bit. I go downstairs to get some water (her room's also on the ground floor) - stand outside her room for about 10 minutes wondering whether to knock, chicken out and finally go back upstairs. I sit on my bed for another 10 minutes and look out the window and then I go to the toilet which is again downstairs. I tell myself I'm gonna do it after I've finished that, do my stuff and stand outside her room for 10 minutes again. It's clear I'm not making any headway at this stage. I start to walk back upstairs, turn around and run back down and knock on her door. I think I did it this time because I wasn't thinking about it and didn't have time to talk myself out of it.

She answers sle
epily and tells me to come in. I say that I know it's late but ask her if I can have a word and my serious tone and obvious uncomfortable demeanour mean that she's wide awake and looking concerned in the next couple of seconds. I ask her if she can turn her fairy lights on, decide that it's too bright and then turn her en suite light on myself, closing the door so only a sliver of white can be seen. She tells me to sit down on her bed, takes my hands in hers and asks me what's wrong. At this point it looks like I'm hyperventilating so she grips my hands even harder and looks me in the eyes. I sort of say it in a round about way as my ability to say 'I'm gay' to someone for the first time has never really been up to scratch. I say that Dave and I have something in common. She say's she thinks she knows what I'm getting at but doesn't wanna guess in case she's wrong. I tell her it is what she's thinking and that I don't like girls. There, I've done it. She's absolutely perfect with the idea - I mean, she's in the cheerleading squad, she's gonna know a lot of gay guys - and we talk for the next couple of hours about how long I've known, who knows etc. you know, the usual stuff. It's not long before it feels like she's always known which is a true sign of a successful transition period. She then asks me when I'm gonna tell Dave. I tell her that I'll talk to him when I'm ready and then turn and say 'Maybe tomorrow?'. She screams in happiness at that and we hug for about 5 minutes. With many exclamations of, 'I'm so glad you told me, I feel honoured and really special...' I'm acutely aware of how late it is - about 3 am. So we hug once more and I get up and go to bed feeling brilliantly satisfied and content.

It's Tuesday. The evening has come round again and Steph's been giving me meaningful looks all day. Much to my surprise and delight, Dave makes an appearance and stays the rest of the evening. It's been a weird with him recently, we've not connected as much as we have the past week and I'm not sure why. Everyone is tired as it gets later so it's just left with Dave and myself outside in the cold whilst he smokes. Out of the blue Dave asks me if I wanna stay at his as neither him nor I have lectures the following day. I kinda joke around a bit saying that it's obviously a fake invite and he doesn't actually want me there at all. He keeps saying that he does so reluctantly I accept and go and get my shoes whilst he orders a taxi. It's not far to his flat but walking would mean potential rape/murder. It's not the nicest of areas.

Whilst I'm getting ready I'm doing the whole 'not really thinking about the situation because if I did actually deal with it in my brain I'd probably fall on the floor and die' thing. I'm extremely successful at this and before I know it we're getting out of the taxi and trudging up to his flat whilst trying desperately not to wake his flatmates. In his room I play the typical guest, look around politely, ask him what things are/who he's with in the photos on the wall. He shows me photos of his ex-boyfriend and this sends shivers down my spine a bit because he's uncomfortably good looking. This kinda twists the knife that Dave's out of my league but I push that thought aside and we settle down to watch some TV, him on his bed, me on his chair. I don't really know what makes me do it but I tell myself that it's now or never and ask him to turn off the lights. This is me being a complete wuss but I do it anyway. He asks me why and I just tell him to do it. He doesn't so I get up to do it myself, I can't find the switch for one and with shortness of breath returning tell him to do it. He sees the look on my face and complies, you'd think I'd be used to telling people by now. So him on his bed and me hiding behind a huge hot water bottle on his chair, I tell him. Yep it's in another round about way and he doesn't get it for ages so I start to get irritated and am just like 'Just think about what I'm trying to tell you!' He does in fact finally understand and says, 'Why didn't you just tell me? It's me. You shouldn't be so nervous!'

We talk for hours about it, sharing experiences. He keeps saying things like 'I'm kinda glad to be honest' and 'I can't believe I've got such a sound gay mate!' which my forever sk
eptical/cynical personality doesn't let me believe and makes me think he's just saying it to be nice. He says he's been with 9 girls and 1 guy - the guy being most recent - because he's apparently bi-sexual. I'm not one to judge but I think he's just gay and was just in denial. He does admit he was in denial and has known since he was about 13 but still maintains that he's bi. I've known since about year 11 and have never been in denial. Oh, I forgot to mention, he's 22. He seems old to my tender age of 19 and looking at all his photos it shows. He's done so much in his life and seen so many things because he took a couple of years out before going to uni and has had a full time job, travelled the world, the works. I'm a bit humbled by it all.

OK, so we talk for a long time but it gets later than late and I'm falling alseep on h
is chair. He nudges me with his foot and tells me to get into his bed, I play it cool and ask him where his bathroom is. He shows me and I wash my face, check myself in the mirror and go back to his room. He asks me if I want a vest to sleep in, I confirm and he pulls out the smallest tightest vest ever. It barely fits and he's taller than me so I have no idea how he gets it on. I climb into his bed with the hot water bottle after taking off my socks. My jeans are still on. He immediately scoots over and starts cuddling me. The truth is, I'm terrified but just kinda push everything to the back off my mind and try to not think at all. We watch TV for a bit and he scolds me for having the hot water bottle and then for keeping my jeans on. Still scared I get rid of the bottle allowing him to get closer but keep my jeans on saying I'm cold. It's a lie. After about half an hour he sparks up next to me and I take this opportunity to finally get rid of the jeans. I know there's no going back.

So it's me in the tightest boxers and vest ever and him in the same but not quite so tight. He finishes his cigarette and we start cuddling again. It gets to the point where we're not really watching the TV anymore and we end up face-to-face and he starts to lightly kiss m
e. This inevitably gets more heated and we start dry humping each other. I get the same rush as last week with the guy in the club but this time it's obviously much more intense. His hand keeps wandering down to my boxers and I'm not really sure if I'm ready so I keep redirecting it onto my back. Despite this he persits so yeah, I give in. He starts jacking me off whilst we kiss and he rolls on top of me and kisses down my body which tickles so I laugh. He then starts sucking me off and it feels good. I say good and not amazing there because he wasn't brilliant. Yeah I've got nothing to compare it to but I wasn't writhing about in ecstasy or anything. It did feel really good though. I don't know if he gets bored or if giving blow jobs isn't really his thing but after a couple of minutes he comes back and we start kissing whilst he jacks me off again.

After a bit I decide to take the plunge. I say something unecessarily cheesy like, 'Do you want yours taking care of?' roll him over and get on down there. At first I'm like 'Ahhh, what do I do?' but I've watched enough porn and read enough articles to know what constitutes giving good head. So I do my thing and pretty soon he's writhing around and saying things like 'Oh my god. You're sucking amazing...' I'm impressed with my abilities. I tease him a bit, I know where all the sensitive areas are and I occassionally try to take it as deep as I can which he loves. Not too much time later he does the whole, 'I'm gonna come' thing but I don't pull away soon enough so I get quite a lot in my mouth. Yeah ok, we weren't wearing condoms for all you worriers out there, but I'm pretty sure he's clean as he's done nothing but monogamy and he says he is, I believe him and I also know that I don't have any cuts/sores in my mouth so the chances of an STI are pretty slim. After he finishes he pulls me back up and we kiss some more. He says he can taste it in my mouth so I offer to go and wash it out like an idiot. He tells me not to but that I'm cute for offering, we kiss for a while longer and end up falling asleep in a position which is probably gonna hurt in the morning. I don't care. I don't even care too much that he didn't get me off. I'd be more worried if I couldn't get him off and that wasn't the case and if he'd perservered with what he was doing I would have eventually come so there are no problems there either.

It was probably about 5 in the morning once we'd finished and fallen asleep so we stay in bed until about 2 and only get up be
cause we have things to do. We decide to go into town and the day is awful for a few reasons. He's acting differently. I'm acting differently but that's only because he's acting differently. Thinking back I should have been more flirty but I was trying to play it as cool as possible from the moment we got up and throughout the day. I act like it wasn't a big deal, like I'm not really bothered/excited/changed/overwhelmed by it all. This was a lie. We walk into the centre of Liverpool to see the new shops that had opened and not only does he look perfect and I look awful but it's also raining and he has a waterproof coat on with a hood and I'm wearing no such coat making me look even worse. We still have fun but I'm holding back too much, I think he may be taking my 'play it the most cool ever' act to be 'I'm not actually that interested in you'. I don't really know.

The past couple of days have made me a bit annoyed. He's called once to ask
me something trivial and I've texted him a couple of times, he hasn't texted back. Don't worry, I haven't been needy or anything I've just asked him how he was feeling because he's been coming down with a cold which he's given to me as well. At the risk of sounding like someone that's obssessing over something stupid and being ridiculous, it just annoys me that he knows that it was the first time I've ever done anything with a guy and not bothered to contact me. I'd just like to know where I stand. I don't really care if he doesn't actually like me. I mean I'm not sure if he does or not, he said a lot of heat of the moment things like 'I think you're really hot' and 'I really like you' but as yet I have not seen proof of that in the light of day. I also wouldn't care if he liked me but didn't want anything serious. To tell you the truth I'm just starting out at this, I don't want anything serious. I'd just like to know where I stand. What should I do everyone? Comments will be more than welcome. I also asked him what he wanted me to say to Steph about it all and he's told me that I should just tell her that I told him I was gay and we talked. That's what I've done. The only people I have told are Amy and Haley, and now you readers of course.

As if matching my mood the weather over the past few days has been unpredictable, dark, rainy, unforgiving... Last night I decided to forget about it all and become a normal person again, not a paranoid wreck and this morning I woke up to blue skies. I can still see a cluster of black clouds on the horizon though.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.