Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Excitement and Uncertainty.


This is kind of a continuation of the last post and it's a bit juicy. Well, juicy by my standards anyway and I'm trying to stop myself getting too excited. Seen as the last post was maybe a bit of a chore to read due to the length I'm gonna split this one into sections so it looks more inviting.

The Rave
As I said in the last post I went to a 'rave' on Saturday night. It was me, Dave, Steph and Steph's friend from home dancing as if our lives depended on it from about 11 till half 4. I loved every second of it. There were DJs there such as Eric Prydz who was amazing and although the tickets were quite expensive it was well worth it. Steph has made me into a full on dance music convert so I had the time of my life. The night consisted of us dancing, getting water, drinking water, drinking booze and me accompanying Dave on frequent trips to the courtyard for a smoke. We talked loads and had so much fun, did I mention we had fun? and it was really the first time I'd seen what was underneath the extremely extrovert exterior. There was no one really about to be confident to so he was honest and real and it made me like him even more.

The Aftermath
Leaving the club at about 4:30am we head up the road in search of a taxi, can't find one so we decide to walk home. It's not too far and not the coldest of nights so it's not long before we stumble into the kitchen trying but failing to be quiet. Drunk, high and tired we move one of the sofas from the kitchen into Steph's room and it ends up being Steph, Dave and myself in a bed with Steph's friend on the sofa. Yeah, it's a bit of a squash but Dave is lying next to me so I'm loving it. I don't know if it's because I'm not really of my own mind but we start cuddling about 3 hours after getting in. It's more him that initiates it but of course, I reciprocate and it literally lasts the whole night. I'm so out of it though that I don't really appreciate it for what it is which I'm scolding myself now for.

I don't really know what's going through his head though. I mean, I don't think he thinks I'm gay, I think maybe he's just that out of it that he just wants someone to cuddle, doesn't really care who it is. He's actually perfect despite that, he whispers in my ear things that make me feel special and holds me tight saying that he'll protect me. This is exactly what I want. He feels that my heart's racing at some unknown point in the night and asks me if I'm ok, I reply that I am and he asks me if I have a hard-on. I reply that I don't as calmly as possible. It's a lie. I make sure his hands don't travel down that far just in case. Loads of my flat mates come in at various points of the morning and see what we're doing but don't seem shocked or surprised, they don't really say much. Even in my mind altered state I'm still worried about this. We get up late late in the day on Sunday and Steph's friend goes to the train station and Dave eventually leaves. I don't quite know what to think of it all.

The Plan
Play it as cool as possible. I'm gonna do the whole 'nothing happened' act and see how it goes. He's the type that doesn't betray his feelings at the time but I know he tells Steph a lot so I'll drag it out of her when he's not about. I really like him and there's a chance he may like me too. That has never happened to me before. I am planning on telling him that I'm gay, whether it's now or later. I'll probably tell Steph first and then find out what she thinks of it all. What will happen if I tell him? I have no idea. He may lose interest and only enjoy wanting something that he can't have. I'm worried about that. I want more than anything to have him as a friend so I'm gonna try my best not to put pressure on him to want to be with me. Whatever happens, I want him in my life.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

P.S. I have a bit of a back-log of posts. The Internet has being working on and off here so I've been having to go to the library to access blogger and put up what I've already written offline. This is a bit of a chore but it's gonna be worth it. I do in fact know what happens next in the saga as this is Wednesday and I'm talking about Saturday and Sunday. Since then a lot has happened and I'll post it all once this one has been up for a bit. Stay tuned.

Monday, 29 September 2008

A time for firsts.


These past couple of days have been somewhat... eventful but before we get into that there's something I'm a bit bewildered about. I was talking to one of my housemates, Dan, about his perfect woman based purely on looks. We got to talking about celebrities and I just casually asked him who he'd choose from out of a number of gorgeous movie stars/singers like Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie and he just kept repeating that he doesn't think of women like that and doesn't find any of them attractive. This was in front of his girlfriend so I don't know what she thought about it all but I know he's not gay, trust me I just know, so why is he like that? I think maybe it's a self esteem thing as he's not what I'd call the most attractive of men so maybe he's just blocked off that part of his brain and needs to actually get to know someone before finding them attractive. Hmm, weird.

Blogging has gone a bit out of the window recently and I apologise for that, it's just that it's been so hectic. It's the start of Freshers Week at our university so most second years have arrived early to join in the fun and with our house being a) close to the city centre and b) very close to uni, this has meant that the fun has had a habit of starting and stopping here at completely inappropriate times of the day. I've had a blast so far and it also means I've got a lot to write about which is all good.

OK, to the important stuff, and this is gonna be a long one so you better be sitting comfortably. What seems like ages ago,
on Saturday Haley came to visit. She was as straight talking, as outrageously flirty and as dangerously controversial as ever and my housemates, me especially, loved it. She's actually awesome - I love her. At that point it was just Anna, Dan and I in the house with their friends coming and going as they pleased so, at about 10, we start getting ready to go out and make the front door by about 11. It's a warm night so all I'm wearing are my new jeans which I absolutely love and a green shirt with the sleeves rolled up which has probably gotten too small for me but hugs my pecs like no other so yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. She's wearing a black corset, which pretty much puts her boobs on show, short shorts and flat boots so inevitably we get looks from everywhere as we walk down the hill into town but we laugh, ignore them and head for the street I'd scoped out on Google maps about 2 hours earlier.

I didn't really want a repeat of last time where we spent ages wandering i
n search of the gay area of Liverpool. We found it in the end but that part wasn't much fun. This time I thought I was prepared, we locate the street which leads to it all pretty quickly and set about looking for a specific bar. We don't find it and I wasn't sure about the other bars in the area as I'd not read much about them and some of them are just full of lesbians. I'm sounding like a bit of a control freak but I didn't really wanna pay to get in somewhere, find out it was awful and have to leave with only £10 in my pocket to last the night. After walking on both sides of a street we give in and decide to just go to the bar we found last time she visited as we definitely knew where it was and what it was like. This is the second time I've entered a gay club in my life. I'm immediately surprised at how relaxed I feel, much more than last time when I thought I was hyperventilating and many trips to the bar later I'm fairly drunk and eyeing up some of the guys dancing around me. Either the standard is better or my standards have dropped but I think about 70% are hot.

Deeper into the night Haley says she's going out for a smoke and to find me a man and leaves. Now I absolutely hate the charity case 'I'm gonna find you a man' approach and that basically is how she deals with things but I go along with it and I'm wasted enough to dance on my own/with the wall/random people - I'm having fun. I start to notice this guy next to me giving m
e 'the eye' as Haley calls it. He's a bit shorter than me which I'm not too keen on but his perfect hair, smile, clothes and accessories mean that I'm instantly attracted. I don't know if it's because I'm staring at him or because I'd just been left alone or what but he leaves his two fag-hags and comes over. He's almost uncomfortably forward and aggressive and starts grinding against me. I mean, it's not like I don't like it it's just I've got about as much sexual experience as a twelve year old and I'm terrified of him noticing that I'm a bit too excited. That sounds as horrific in words as it did in my head but it is the truth after all. We grind for about 10 minutes and he's so into it he keeps pushing me backwards and for a guy that I'm generally bigger than that's quite impressive. He obviously wants complete body contact and I'm kinda freaked out by it - I feel like such an amateur. This is the first time a guy has been interested in me and acted on it.

He steps away after a bit and before I can really do anything about it he lifts up my shirt and checks me out and then shouts in my ear, 'Nice'. I'm a bit taken aback and don't really know what to do so I do the same to him saying, 'Sexy', and to be fair that's not really a lie, he does have a good body. It's
probably been about 15 minutes since Haley left me and I know that I'm a bit out of my depth but I just keep dancing and try to ignore how faint I'm feeling. I keep telling myself that it's stupid and I should be over this by now and I start to calm down. We sort of dance our way into a corner and he gives me some of his drink, pushes me against the wall and kisses me. This is my very first kiss with a guy. I'm kinda in shock at first but then I just let it happen and do what I've done so many times before with girls but it feels totally different. I'm not used to being really into the person that I kiss so I get the whole euphoric excitement by the bucket load this time, the type of feeling many other people my age are so used to. I love it.

In a cliched way it does feel like it lasts an eternity but in the end he pulls away and tells me that he's going to the toilet and t
hat I should wait for him. His fag-hags are still dancing by themselves nearby and he talks to them on the way past and they turn to look at me with blank, unassuming stares. About 2 minutes later, probably less as I have no concept of time at this point, Haley comes back and says that she's been talking to some guys outside so she drags me out the back entrance of the club and as much as I love her for it, it's a bit to my annoyance - I obviously want to wait for the guy and I didn't really want to tell her about it then. I don't really know why, maybe I wanted to keep the moment to myself for a bit as in my head, I'm making this into an unnecessarily big deal. We talk to guys outside for a bit but I'm clearly not interested in any of them and they know it so pretty soon we head back inside and into the club downstairs rather than the more bar type of venue upstairs, where he is. It doesn't really occur to me to go and find him, I sort of just let things happen and soon enough we both admit we're tired so I suggest we leave and then we get back to the house and it's over. I tell her what happened but as I do it just feels like a distant memory, like it didn't really happen to me.

Right, if you think y
ou may need a toilet break, a hot beverage maybe? Go now. Seriously, this is not the end so get some cushions and pad your back out a bit and carry on reading. Now then, on Sunday I meet Amy for a drink at a seedy pub's open mic night where her workmate is singing and I tell her everything and we have a good night as usual. We always have the best chats. So by Monday I've had little sleep two nights on the trot but a house full of people I barely know or haven't ever met, more of my housemates moving in and a table full of half empty bottles of booze tell me that Freshers Week has well and truly begun. Tiredness is never an excuse for not having fun. A bit of a house party going on at our house on Monday night led to yet another night out on the town and this is the interesting part, well interesting for me. One of Steph's friends from her course, we'll call him Dave, came round. Now I've met him before briefly and he's apparently bisexual and quite camp, but the thing is, I think I might really like him. Anyway, he came round for the house party, at this point I'd only met him once so I didn't really know him very well at all. When gay people are present I put on the 'perfect straight guy' act. I can't help it, it just happens. It's like my armour or something and I work hard to make sure that there are no chinks in it which they can exploit and expose me. I think I've had him fooled up to now though.

Back to the story, there's a lot of us in the house at the start, and a lot of us go into town but pretty soon people are dropping like flies as we move from club to club. We end up in a dirty club which plays kinda indie-pop tunes and sells strong alcohol and I look around and it's just me, Steph, Dave and another guy I'll call Luke. Dave keeps buying me shots of
this potent Italian stuff. I really can't remember the name of it but it was strong and we all got very drunk very fast. We go for a dance and Dave keeps squeezing my ass and saying things like, 'If you wanna do something no one would know...', and grinding with me etc. I don't believe this was because he thinks I'm in the closet I think it's just because he was wasted and didn't really know what he was doing or who with. Carrying on for the rest of the night he kept feeling my pecs and asking if I work out and all those kind of stuff. Yeah it was fun but I was a bit worried about Steph seeing so I obviously held back a lot.

Since then things have been a bit odd. He's been round at our house a lot as Steph is one of his best friends and at fir
st I found it hard work him being there as I felt I had to put an act on but I suppose I've got used to him as I've got to know him. He's really confident and fairly camp as I said but not in an off putting way and he's just generally fun to be with but you can actually have a chat with him as well. We went out on Wednesday as well after he came round for tea and we swapped numbers just in case we 'lost each other' and I got texts like 'Fitty. x' and things like that. After I came home to my room I found him in my bed and carefully climbed next to him on top of the duvet, top-to-tail. This would have probably turned out so much better if a guy I kinda hate pushed him out and got in himself and then farted all night. I know I'm probably just being played with, he probably only finds me attractive when he's drunk or even not at all, it's just a bit of fun to him, but getting to know him more I genuinely think that he values my company possibly more than my other housemates (apart from Steph of course). Just little things that he's said like, 'I was gutted you didn't turn up', after I didn't go out on Thursday night and the fact that he stole my sun glasses and wore them for a day have been strangely comforting. We've been supermarket shopping with Steph and Anna and had a laugh and last night when we all watched a film together he had his head on my shoulder when we were sharing a sofa. It took all my focus to keep my heartbeat slow and breathing steady :p. Ooh at this moment Long Blondes has just come on my playlist with their song 'Once and Never Again'. Maybe it's trying to tell me something...

Now I've been wanting to tell Steph that I'm gay for a while now but just not had the chance yet and I'm a pussy. So if I do I don't know what will happen. Even if nothing does with Dave she knows a lot of gay guys so I'm sure at least one will be blind enough to date me. I'm going to a huge rave tonight though with Dave and Steph so I'll see what happens with that/whether I'll get drunk enough to tell her. We'll just see. Yep I do realise this post is absolutely mega but it's like a weeks worth of goings on so I apologise! Maybe I should publish it in sections? I'll keep you updated when my Internet is working again as at the moment it is Saturday and I'm having to write this on Wordpad.

Thanks for reading.
Back very soon with much more.

Friday, 19 September 2008


Browsing the Internet, as you do, I somehow came across a blog which was featuring a back issue of the Australian magazine 'DNA'. Pretty much straight away I was completely dumbstruck at the absolute hotness of the cover model. He apparently goes by the name of Patrick. That's right no last name, just Patrick, and here are a couple of shots which prove he's hot enough to drop it:

The pictures are fairly good quality so yep I am eating up your bandwidth but it just means that when you click on each you can see Patrick in all his glory. I don't really know why but I think It's so unfair that someone can be that pretty and that well formed in the world. Yeah, he may have the personality of a dishcloth but when he looks like that there's a strong chance not many would care. This drags up issues I've talked about in a previous post and it really hits home how shallow I'm coming across as in that post I didn't really discuss any issues at all, I just bludgeoned everyone with my opinion. Brilliant. Anyway, these photos are kinda sickening and make me want to give up trying to improve how I look but at the same time they drive me on and give me loads of motivation. What it all comes down to though is that I think he's gorgeous.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Headers, banners, stresses and strains.


As you can see I've done a bit of a header revamp. I cheated a bit with the last one because I do not actually live in New York (as much as I want to) and just used it because the picture was pretty. So this one's a tad more relevant as it's of Liverpool's water front and if you look closely you may even recognise the 'Royal Liver Building' (see right) but I probably wouldn't if I were you so don't be downhearted if you didn't. If you wondering, the 'i' in Liver is pronounced like the 'i' in alive for example. That does not however mean that Liverpool is pronounced like that. It isn't. Anyway, I hope you like it as much as the other one, unless you hated the other one in which case I hope you like it more. I have no idea what possessed me to put 'fast paced' in the tagline as my life has been anything but that recently. Maybe I thought that if I lied I'd get more readers. I don't think it's worked.

As well as the new header I got a bit carried away and decided to attempt a banner
(seen as I'm a seasoned header maker now :p). I think it's turned out quite well.

Yep, you guessed it, Liverpool's water front again. I'm quite clearly completely one dimensional. I do like it though and if you're interested in featuring it on your blog or website feel free to plaster it over the Internet. In fact, please do! (just make sure you link it back to this site).

The past couple of days have been full of ups and downs. I've started going to the gym again - which is good, but then I don't have enough money for all the food I need to eat - which is bad. I have a huge phone bill
to pay off, I don't have an overdraft and I need to buy food and there is no prospect of cash inflow in the near future. I'm going job hunting tomorrow. Once I have a job and/or an overdraft I know I'll feel so much better but at the moment it's just niggling away at me that I've got at most £5 to live off. I think I need to seriously reassess my money management methods. If I didn't know better I'd say that the bank was slowly trickling my money away. That's just not true though, it's pretty much all on me this one. Let's just hope it gets sorted.

I'll do a less crappy update soon.
Thanks for

Edit: I've removed the tagline because I was sick of it and I think it may very well look better without it. If I'm wrong and you don't agree, please comment or email and tell me your opinion on the matter.

Sunday, 14 September 2008



Good news. I passed! I mean, it was touch and go for a bit there but I've actually got back into uni so I'lll be starting again on the 29th. It's such a relief as the stakes were a year and thousands of pounds wasted if I failed. I'm back on track now though hopefully and I don't think I'll have a meltdown like last year because things are different. Now that's out of the way I can focus on other areas of my life, like telling more people I'm gay? I dunno. I'm gonna have to have a think about it.

A step in the right direction is that Haley is coming to visit again next weekend. This is gonna end up with us going clubbing in the gay area, I just know it. She'll take me so I can 'find a man' in her words, even though I know it's not that simple because I'm just not confident enough at the moment. Whereas we went to a gay bar a couple of months ago and she met this lesbian who then followed her round all night. Yep, she's that type of girl, attracts attention from everywhere. I did meet this guy though and he was completely my type and apparently really into me and we talked for a bit. I think something probably would've happened as now I look back his intentions were really obvious but then I ran into someone from highschool and left and I kinda forgot about him. That is the closest I've ever got to doing something with another guy - just to be clear. Hopefully that will change this coming year at uni. In fact, I'm gonna make sure it changes. I'm just tired of all the unattractive straight guys I know who have bad personalities having girlfriends and me being single. It's just wrong.

Talking of unattractive straight guys, one of my housemates moved in. I'll call him Dan. He brought his parents on Saturday and complained that he didn't have enough furniture and a television in his room so they took him to IKEA on a 'money no object' shopping spree. I think spoilt is the word that comes to mind. Despite eating my food and being loud and annoying, he's
also brought his girlfriend round who a) has a really nice personality and b) is infinitely more attractive than him which is rubbing it in my face that he has someone. Where is the justice in this world? I just don't understand it. I've spent the past 2 days busying myself with things that don't really need to be done just so he doesn't try and draw me into conversation. I suppose I'll have to get used to it. Another guy moved in a couple of hours ago and I've had the standard 'Any girl action recently?' which hasn't been too fun. My response is generally 'No, I've had no luck in that area...' *nervous laugh*. I'm having to blog with my door locked for fear of either of them coming in. It's a bit restricting. Yeah I know there's an easy solution to this - tell them - but they're two of the most immature, emotionally stunted individuals I know (I know them from halls last year) so I don't think I'll be letting them know soon, if at all. We'll see.

It's off to the gym tomorrow I'm thinking. The first time in a very long time and I'm a bit scared that I will suddenly be completely out of place but I'm gonna try my very best to get operation 'become as hot as I possibly can' up and running. I generally believe that striving to make yourself look better is a healthy thing to do - unless you already look amazing that is. If I reckon I look good, I'm much more confident so if I think I look as good as I possibly can, I'm sure it'll do wonders to my self esteem. Some may call that shallow but I just think it's logical. Looking good matters in this world whether you like it or not and it can definitely transfrom introversion into extroversion in the right circumstances. Hmm, I think I'd like a side of narcisism with that lack of depth. You've definitely gotta have the personality to match though :p

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Much needed distraction.


So over the past couple of days I've pretty much just bought food, eaten food, slept and watched back-to-back episodes of 'Gossip Girl', 'One Tree Hill' and 'Sex and the City' because
I'm just that cool. How exciting. I suppose I've prided myself in being completely independent and that has been enough to keep me occupied. Results are also looming and when I thought I'd received them in the post I thought I was gonna be sick whilst opening the envelope so I have no idea what'll happen if I find out I've failed. I keep having visions where I fall on the floor in a seizure, die and am not found in days. I really hope that doesn't happen.

Anyway, I get up yesterday (Wednesday) and decide to actually do
something with my time so I plan to go out 3 hours later which gives me lots of just-in-case time when it comes to eating, having a shower, doing my hair and generally making myself look presentable for venturing outdoors. I don't really know why but lately I've been allowing myself so much time to get ready, thinking that if I have little I'll look bad and be rejected from society. It's probably the beginnings of mild paranoia and may be caused by the fact that I've only really left the house to go to the supermarket recently. It feels like I'm just not used to being around people anymore. I fight the feeling to stay indoors though, make the walk into the centre and walk into one of the most judging shops on the main street. I try on a pair of jeans I clearly can't afford (see picture) in a cubicle in completely empty changing rooms, walk up to the counter and buy them with my card. Yeah, a bit impulsive I know but I had been planning on getting new jeans for a while and I suppose they had to be from that shop and not just because they were nice jeans. I guess I needed to prove to myself that I could still handle something like that as in my head I clearly make a drama out of everything. I was on a deadline for buying them anyway as to keep my mind off results and life and stuff and just have some fun I'd arranged with Amy to dance the night away in a club that evening. We hadn't done it in ages and it's always fun to see the weird and the wonderful types that go out on a Wednesday night. It also wasn't raining - a definite plus.

So after yet another shower later on
in the day - I think I'm actually gonna end up showering my skin off - I arrive at Amy's flat looking a bit worse for wear from being battered by the wind. Now it doesn't happen very often but when it does, strangely, I see witnessing her get ready a bit of a treat. That sounds extremely pervy but let's remember what this blog's written around, I am in fact gay so it's not like that at all. I don't really know what it is if I'm honest. Just seeing her going about her business kinda reminds me of an old black and white movie with a stunning woman in front of her dresser touching up her make-up. I just find it really comforting. It makes me feel special as no one else can really look in on this private world without spoiling it. OK, weirdness aside, we leave the flat a lot later than planned but that's to be expected - we're never on time for these types of things, ever. We end up in our regular place, an 'alternative' bar with good decor, have a drink and a chat and then scout around for a club that's playing acceptable music as we hadn't really planned where we'd go. Hearing what we think is Britney but turns out to be The Pussycat Dolls (what a let down) we go into a club down a side street, buy drinks at the bar (as an accessory more than anything) and hit the floor. I have to say it was the most fun I've had in aaaages. I revelled in my teetotality which I really wasn't expecting. I'd already decided not to drink and I half expected to give in halfway through the night and have a pint but I was having so much fun I didn't even think about it and just drank coke. It was good to judge people feeling like you had no flaws at all because you were sober. Truthfully, some people just shouldn't be allowed out of their homes at night.

Inevitably, a couple of songs led to many and we danced the hours away to about half 3 and despite my not-quite-worn-in-yet trainers making me dance badly and my legs ache I could've gone on forever. Not the most hardcore of nights but back to the flat, hours talking about guys and sex, cooking sausages on the grill and getting scolded by a flatmate for being too loud meant that I was dragging my worn out ass home after dawn. Passing people on their early morning walks into work was not the most pleasant thing at this time as my dark circles, scruffy hair and creased shirt gave away the fact that I'd been up all night. The expressions on their faces readily betrayed their opinions about that. Crawling into bed and an inadequate amount of sleep later I was definitely not ready for the news that these next couple of days are the last I'm gonna be alone in the house. People are finally moving in. Yeah it's a bit testing living alone, I lose all ability to be socially acceptable and I develop irrational fears but I've become so fond of it. I'm not ready to give up near isolation just yet. I am also not ready for my results tomorrow :/ I'm absolutely terrified.

Thanks for reading.
I promise next time I won't write about another boring night out but there are always gonna be ebbs and flows in excitement. It is my life after all :p
I'm just glad I haven't resorted to writing about the search for the perfect French Fry (if you didn't pick up on that reference I really can't blame you).

Back soon.

Monday, 8 September 2008


"It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what." - Carrie Bradshaw. Sex and the City.

This is one thing I've definitely come to realise.
As I'm sure many of you are aware filling your life with people who, despite all your flaws, insecurities and troubles, still treasure you as a person may be the hardest thing you try to accomplish. Seeking out people who love you without obligation can be heartbreaking but also eternally rewarding for those who are successful in their search. Don't we just want someone who will ask themselves over and over 'How did I find you?'. That feeling of being valued completely will surely be one that you'd want to experience with every passing second.

Friday, 5 September 2008

A little faith.


Apologies for the lack of posts recently but some of my friends came to visit and it's kinda hard being the host and finding the time to type. Wait scrap that. It's kinda hard being the host, period.

This week's been a bit brutal if I'm totally honest. I don't know if it's because I'm just not used to it but being around people that are looking to you for pointers on what to do all the time has been exhausting. If a person's interests d
on't more-or-less exactly fit yours, when it comes to catering for them you can never get it completely right. There are just too many hours to fill in a day to ensure that they're always content unless you plan everything meticulously to the last detail. I suppose this length of time spent with my friends has gradually worn me down and kinda made me lose my faith in people on the whole. That may sound a bit dramatic but the way some have acted has highlighted the fact that people generally disappoint. I know that my expectations are probably too high but I think that finding people who really care about you, get excited about the same things as you, want to spend time with you and hold you in high esteem is hard. Compatibility is rare so if you've found it in someone I suggest you hold on to it. I just sincerely hope that I've not run out of good friendships which sounds ridiculous as I'm only 19 and don't get me wrong, there are people at the moment I wouldn't give up but I just hope that the best is yet to come.

Anyway, this routine ruining week ended in pretty strange circumstances. Before my friends were due to go home we'd planned to have a night out and just generally a bit of fun. We ended up in a tequila bar which was having an open mic night and stayed to have a few drinks and watch some of the acts. They weren't bad but we decided to move on to another bar as a change of scene where a few drinks led to many and it was one of those nights that I didn't realise just how drunk I was. I toyed with the idea of coming out to one of my friends but wanted to wait till we went back home and just see how the night turned out.

Walking back up the hill in the direction of my house we ran into one of the acts from the open mic night and congratulated him on how good he was, asked him about himself etc. You know, the usual small talk. Well it turned out that he couldn't get into his flat because he didn't have his keys and his girlfriend was asleep. I'm not sure we believed him but he took us to another bar and asked us for our numbers and my address, wanting to stay the night. Looking back, at that point I would have said yes to anything to be honest so he said he'd ring if he couldn't find another place to stay. We left and went home and soon enough there was a knock at the door. I was pretty much passed out on the sofa but just conscious enough to know that he had obviously not found another place to stay.

It was such a weird situation. This random 35 year old ignored our hints of 'why don't you sleep on the sofa?' and went up and slept in a room by himself. Understandably we
were a bit edgy but I have to say I was optimistic about his intentions. You can never be too careful though. When morning rolled in he helped himself to a shower, food and a cup of tea and under the watchful eye of my friends (I wasn't fit for anything that involved getting out of bed at this stage) he left. My friends also left me to recover soon after and when I managed to keep some food down and started to feel better I did a quick scan of the house, just to see if everything was in order. As far as I know things were in their place and despite using almost every available surface as an ashtray and leaving a thick haze in the air he'd been and gone without incident. I'm not really sure if this shocked me or not. Maybe the world isn't as bad as I thought it was. Saying that, I have just this second found some of his songs on my laptop with no idea how they got there.

So in the end, because of the events above, I never did tell my friend or even think more about it. I'm having doubts now though. I don't think I'll take that plunge and I don't think I could handle him knowing as he's one of my longest standing friends. Not that that makes us closer, it doesn't, it's just he's a big part of my past and I always think that it's better to tell people that will be part of my future and I just don't see him being there. Maybe I should believe in him more and believe in our friendship but ultimately it was probably the booze that gave me the initial urge as admittedly it was one of those 'I'm never gonna drink again' nights and I really believe that this time I might be serious about that :p

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