Saturday, 6 December 2008

Going GaGa.


OK. I may be a bit behind on the times with this one but I've just recently discovered how amazing Lady GaGa is. In my defence, I do live in the UK where randomly her single 'Just Dance' hasn't been released and won't be released until the 29th of December. I don't understand why when it's been around for a while and topped charts around the world and that. Are we just not liked in the world yeah? To be honest, I don't really blame you if you don't like the British, we're not nice people :p

Anyway, back to the topic. She's good, if you don't agree - you're wrong. Simple as. After watching the video linked to above, first impressions aside I think you're gonna have to read her wikipedia page. She makes her own stage outfits, does her own choreography, writes her own songs and yes, she also sings them. Obviously talented, she's somewhere approaching original as well. I love her at the moment just because she has personality. Saying that I can't help but adore Miss Britney Spears who evidently can't sing brilliantly and has had a huge career built around her by clever people behind the scenes - it must be built in my DNA or something.

I met up with Amy this week. It was good, we ate bad food, talked for hours and I realised how much I've missed her. I moaned about the coach wayy too much as I slowly slide into obsession about him. It's all too apparent that I am now starting to lose my sanity over something a bit trivial. Always in the power seat in any kind of relationship because of how hot she is, I knew Amy would be the perfect person to ask for advice about it all. We came up with 4 possible 'risks' which I'd have to take in order to get what I want seen as things have pretty much fizzled out:

Risk 1
I actually can't remember this one at all. I think it might have been the 'lay it all out on the table' approach. Talk to him about everything. This does sound inviting as there's kinda been a bit of a communication break-down between us recently. However, I'm a bit dubious about pulling out the ol' heart out-pouring card because 1. I'm a bit shy and 2. Was it enough of a thing in the first place to warrant any type of serious conversation? So this has been discounted.

Risk 2
Text him pretending to be drunk whilst truly being sober to get my feelings out. I thought this one was a bit of genius but apparently people know that it's done nowadays. I may be willing to take that chance though because it means afterwards I can play the mortification card. This will help in general conversion at cheer because I'll have an actual role to play meaning I'll be able to start up a conversation and throw in a pinch of cuteness to the act as well - ooh the games we play.

Risk 3
Completely ignore him. Not in an obvious way of course, like not in an actual refusal to speak to him kinda way, just a high-road aloof kinda way because things are always oh so much better when you just don't care. This plan has holes in it though as he could in fact just have lost all complete interest and ignore me as well meaning it fizzles out into absolutely nothing as opposed to just nothing as it is now. This is worse case scenario number 1 in my opinion, I'd rather just be flat-out rejected.

Risk 4
Let him know that if he wants it, he can come and get it. This makes me sound wayyy to easy, a no no.

Risk 5
Get someone else and make sure he knows about it without him knowing that I've made sure he knows about it. A tricky one at the best of times, this could go badly wrong and end up with people not being too fond of me. A big risk. Oh and it also involves finding someone else - maybe I could pay someone?

OK. Just to outline the actual goal, I want him to want me. Yep, selfish is the correct word here - and I'm not even ashamed. I don't however want anything serious to come from this which in theory should be fine with him because he's the one with the whole 'casual' idea in the first place. Casual has not happened however, NOTHING has happened. I plan to start at least something up again and being human there's clearly no possible way we could just talk things out, games have to be played, people have to be manipulated.

So, to the choice. With the help of Amy, Risk 3 was chosen. It is after all the least risky as it requires nothing being done but in some ways it's the hardest to actually do because it requires nothing being done. I've been itching to text him all week but refrained. I'm proud of that. In my head though it's crunch time - he has not texted me either. In my eternal fear that worst case scenario number 1 will come to fruition I really really really want to take action. This is why I'm considering Risk 2 this very moment. Can I pull off a fake drunk text though? I'm not sure about that one. It also has to be inappropriate as well. Like not a 'friend' text or things just won't change. It cannot however touch upon relationship talk - that's out of bounds and will probably just scare him off. I'm overthinking this wahayy too much right?!

I'll let you know how it goes/if I go through with it hopefully before I lose all of my marbles.
Back soon.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Left hanging.


Life's hard.
Boys are hard.
People are hard.

In between arguing with myself whether to go into uni or not, watching back-to-back episodes of One Tree Hill and sitting in my bed thinking about my life, I've also been preoccupied with a certain person. Yep, it's the coach.

I'm not good at this part, I'll probably never be good at this part, I don't like being left hanging. OK, so, since my last post things have been going with the coach in the way that they haven't. At cheer things are so normal it's uncomfortable. I ignore him, he ignores me and does his coach thing and I feel shit at the end of every sesh because I'm not flirty enough or cute enough and always too sweaty and disgusting looking. There have also been texts, innocent but flirty, fun but serious. I've seen him out of cheer and been round to his house and that but nothing has really happened. I get the impression he's just not that into me.

Just recently though, I think I've got the picture. Talks with Steph have outlined the fact that he just wants things to be kept completely casual. I thought I was fine with that at the time but looking back I think I was still too emotionally involved. I suppose a week ago, when asked the question 'Would you kiss someone else in a club if he was there?' I would have definitely said no. Now though, looking into the situation a bit more I would say yes. The coach isn't over his boyfriend at all and I get that he doesn't want anything right now. With texts like 'Boyfriends are so overrated.' when talking about someone off the TV who I thought was boyfriend material, I think it's pretty clear.

However, preparing myself for no strings fun - in a completely better state of mind - any invites to his have ended in kissing at most or have just been cancelled when all other people have dropped out. I had an embarrassing situation when I was invited round with Steph to watch X Factor. I showered and did my hair and dressed the best I could after finding out that Steph was going out for a meal so couldn't make it. I texted the coach to confirm that it was still on and ask him if it was OK that it was just me. I settled down to wait, flicking through channels - ever ready to call a taxi when I got a text back. I didn't get one. He evidently doesn't really want to be alone with me which I find odd seen as the first time we were alone he was the one that 'turned up the heat' and came on to me. Only a couple of reasons I can think of for this, he's gone off me, he was disappointed, or both. I don't really mind about either I wish he'd just tell me straight then I could deal with it and move on. Not knowing is much worse because I clearly go through cycles of pointless unhealthy self obsession. Fun stuff.

The Plan
As all problems need a plan and I seem to be getting really good at coming up with useless ones, I thought I'd ruin my life more by following another one. OK, at cheer - try to look amazing (as usual) but also act really happy as an added facade and largely ignore him (as usual). Find someone else and make sure he knows about it. I want to be appreciated thanks. Maybe it's foolish, maybe I should be thankful for what I've got but I can't help feeling a little dissatisfied.

Thanks for acting as psychiatrists.
I'll keep you updated.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Ride the roller coaster.


OK. Just as a warning - big update coming :D

I think it's odd that someone can make you feel so good and so bad at the same time. The past week I've been pretty much on a roller coaster of emotions. Things have developed rapidly with the cheer coach. I feel like all you readers are friends that I haven't told but am dying to. It's a actually a crime that I haven't spoken up to now! Anyway. I had another night out on Thursday with the cheer lot, it was the week after Dave's birthday night out and it seemed like things had simmered down. I'd told him I was OK with everything because he did in fact come clean with me in the end. Steph thinks I was wayyyy too soft on him but when it comes to things like that I'm pretty awful at staying angry at people.

So I go round to Dave's for pre drinks and his boyfriend is there. Don't ask me why but I iron his boyfriend's shirt whilst frantically drinking vodka and orange out of a mug. Yep, being a Thursday it's right after cheer, having had barely any time to have a shower and get ready I haven't also had time to eat so I'm feeling it after the 2nd or 3rd mug - we haven't even left the flat. Once we do finally leave I get texts from the cheer leading lot wantin
g to meet me, as much as I'd love to I can't really be rude and leave Dave and his bf despite feeling like a complete gooseberry. I decide I'm not drunk enough for something like this and drink my thoughts away in all of the many bars we go to. After getting completely violated by a really old rather large man in a club I get a text from the coach saying that he's in the club down the road. I tell Dave I want to go, he says it's too early for that particular place and I'd really rather not go on my own and look too eager.

So, it gets later on in the night and after much pleading we finally make our way to the club. I immediately look around. I can't find him. With Dave flaunting his boyfriend in my face constantly I need some company soon to keep my sanity. More drinks down my throat and I'm on my way to being totally wasted and I spot the coach across the room. In my state, my original plan to again play it cool (that's the only way I know how to play things) goes out the window and I'm all over him in a second. We dance, I dance with his friends, we dance some more, I go in for the kill, he wants it and we kiss but he keeps pulling away again. I'm not impressed. I try many times throughout the night as I clearly have an inability to read any hints or signs and before I know it we've split up, I'm with other cheerleaders and it's time to go home. Feeling a bit depressed outside a club I get a phone call from him. It goes something like this:

Him: "Hey, where are you?"

Me: "I'm just outside. You?"

"Oh. I've just got a taxi with my friends."

"Oh OK. That's fine. I guess I'll see you on Monday at cheer."

"I'll see you before then. You're coming round this weekend."

(Happier tone in my voice) "Oh OK. I'll see you this weekend then."

Yep, he invited me round. I'm giddy again.

So, the weekend rolls around before I know it - the days kinda bleed into one. I don't quite know what's happening though. H
e's invited me round and told me to bring Steph (they're good friends as they're on the same course but in different years as well as being cheerleaders) but not told me when or anything. I have plans on Saturday night which I can not get out of. He asks me to come round on Saturday night. Frantic, I get Steph to ask him if we can go over early giving me the chance to go out with one of my friends afterwards. He agrees. We arrive around half 7 as it's a bus ride away. He told us to be there around 6. We're unfashionably late. Luckily though, he has two friends there and we settle down for a smoke and to watch X Factor. He's hung over apparently but still manages to look perfect and if I say so myself, I look pretty good. My hair is the best it's been in a very long time and I'm wearing a new top which is tight enough to show off my arms/pecs.

I get a text from the friend I'm going out with after about an hour and a half of being there. I have to leave and I really don't want to but after ordering a taxi there's no turning back. He gets up to see us out and Steph goes first and just as I'm leaving he shuts the door and pulls me close and kisses me, saying "Make sure you come back, OK?" I mumble that I will and collapse into the taxi. I'm going back tonight, there are no two ways about it.

A fairly awful night with my friend ensues, not helped by the fact that I could be somewhere else and I'm thinking about the coach constantly. The only highlight is running into Amy. I don't know what it is but whenever I see her it's like she has a glow around her. It makes her stand out on a dance floor full of people. Made to stay in t
he club by my friend until at least 2:45, I'm not a very happy person. Steph said she'd wait up for me to go back to the coach's but I know by this stage she'll be asleep. I ring her. She doesn't pick up her phone. Me itching to leave and a taxi ride to my friend's flat later, I get caught up talking to her flat mates. I'm still all too evidently itching to leave so I rudely ask if I can get my coat and then I leave.

I walk back to my house and sit debating whether I should get a taxi and go back to the coach's alone. Steph, my buffer person has let me down so it'll be just me, him and his friends and eventually just me and him. I decide to write out a text asking him if he's still awake and still wants me to come round. Just as I'm finishing it I get one from him saying "So what's happening?". I take that to mean he's still awake and text him saying that I can get a taxi. I order a taxi and get in
spouting out the address I know by heart after only being there once.

I only have £5 on me though and it's an expensive company for some reason - it was the only number I could find - so halfway down the road he lives on I have to stop the taxi just as the toll hits £5. I walk the rest of the way down the street and I'm at his door. I feel like I'm dying of a heartattack and I'm acutely aware that I smell of post night out alco
hol and sweatiness - not attractive. He invites me in, we don't hug, and I settle down on the floor and smoke some more. By this stage I'm ready to sleep but the tension in the room keeps me awake. We watch TV and as the programme finishes his friends decide to leave. They finally leave, I'm nervous. I strategically move onto the sofa whilst the coach sees them to the door and he comes back in and everything is surprisingly relaxed. He sits next to me and we cuddle and watch TV for a bit and talk some. He's stroking my side through my slightly rolled up t shirt and I'm so aware of it. I feel like my heart is gonna jump out of my chest but I love it.

Not too long later he rolls over and we start kissing. It inevitably gets a bit heated and I don't know if he can tell but I want him so badly it's untrue. He gets up to go to the toilet and when he comes back I've obviously repositioned myself on the sofa to try and look as perfect yet as casual as possible. He takes me hand and says "I'm bored of the sofa." and leads me to his bedroom. I think it's odd that in situations like this all rational thoughts slip your mind. You are literally acting on instinct. Normally freaked out and neurotic I'm completely cool and calm in this situation.

We start up again on the bed and I'm generally a bit bewildered about what he wants. I take care not to move things any further in case he thinks it's too fast or anything and just go with the flow basically. Not too far in though it's clear he wants more than just kissing and groping as he takes my top off, I take his off. A bit later on he undoes my belt, I take my pants off and do the same to him. Soon after that our boxers join the multitude of discarded clothes scattered around the room. He'
s such a good kisser and I think I'm being shit. You know when you just have days when you're just not completely in the groove? Well it was like that with me but I'm hoping he was a good enough kisser for the both of us. Hearing of his legendary experience from Steph I'm slightly worried about that part. I'm not sure if he realises quite how inexperienced I am.

I decide to take the initiative and after lots of dry humping and rolling about and kissing I roll him over and make the journey down his body to start sucking him off. I pray that he's enjoying it and by his moaning I guess that he is. I go outside of myself, take things on which I haven't done before. Somehow I know roughly which parts of the body to tease and touch to make things more exciting. I pay attention to the nipples, the small of his back, his armpits - the works. I start to play with his hole whilst sucking him off and his heavier breathing either means that he doesn't like it or he's liking it a bit too much. He leans down and pulls me back up to kiss. This routine repeats many times so I'm thinking he doesn't want to finish? At one point he keeps trying to roll over so I get the hint he wants to be on his front. I let it happen and before I know what I'm doing I'm running my tongue down his back and then rimming him. He seems to love it so w
e do it for a while until he flips me over and starts to suck me off. It is actually amazing and later on i realise why, he has his tongue pierced. Surprisingly enough I didn't even feel it whilst kissing him, well I think I did but just didn't think anything of it. Things like that weren't really on my mind.

We carry on the charade and it must have been over an hour - maybe 2? - when he gets up and goes to the toilet, I need
the toilet as well. Neither of us have finished but we're both so tired that we get in and cuddle and sleep. Does that mean that I'm rubbish in bed? I'm a bit worried about that one. Maybe he got bored. Anyway, this is about half 7 in the morning and at about half 9 Steph texts me. It wakes me up but he sleeps on. After this I just can't get to sleep. I go through a period after doing stuff with someone where I'm so hungry in the morning it actually hurts. So I lie there watching him, waiting for it to pass. It does and I relax and doze and cuddle him and stare at him whilst he's sleeping and mentally jump for joy all up until 2 in the afternoon. Maybe it's because I'm cuddling him too violently or something but he wakes up around this time and we dry hump and kiss loads again. We're both so up for it because neither of us finished last night but I know that he doesn't want to start anything proper up again so we pretty much keep it innocent and hug each other close.

We stay in bed until about half 5. Most of that is talking time and I explain that the whole coach thing is a turn on and he says that maybe he should bring that voice into the bedroom. We talk loads and cuddle and it's so good I can't quite believe it. I ask him how old he is telling him that I think he's 23 and he's shocked and offended. He's actually 21. It's my turn to be shocked. He tells me about his life and it turns out that it's pretty exciting and he's well travelled and everything. I mean, I'm well travelled but he's lived in so many different places and he's only 2 years older than me. When we do finally manage to get out of bed he goes to have a shower and I search the room for my clothes which are in various piles on the floor and get dressed. When he's done I'm in the living room and he keeps coming over to kiss me which is soooo good and once we're ready to leave we're both on the sofa again and I really don't wanna leave.

We kiss some more and hug some more and finally brave the outdoors. Giving up on the bus we get a taxi to drop me off at my house on the way, as he's going into town, and it's a nice ride. I'm relaxed. Arriving at mine I squeeze his leg and tell him I had fun, get out of the cab and walk to my door without looking back. I think to myself that I couldn't have played the whole day any better. It'll just be interesting to see how things go from here. I'm excited.

Thanks for reading.
I'll keep you updated.

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Sleep the loneliness off.


I've been on my own this weekend - the first time since the long period before uni started. It's been good, I've been allowed to think in other places than the toilet, but I must admit - I have got a bit lonely and not really knowing what to do last night I rolled into bed at about 11, feeling very sorry for myself after listening to Radiohead for about 4 hours. I'll tell you why in a bit.

The Birthday Night Out
Yep it came around - Dave's Birthday. Steph had of course gone to far too
much effort with it all and coming home from uni on Thursday I'm met with balloons everywhere and party food laid out. The plan is to all meet at our house, seen as Dave pretty much lives here anyway, and then go into town and eventually some gay bars. Dave and Mr. Perfect arrive and the fact that it's just after cheerleading and I still haven't eaten any tea mean that after a can of Strongbow I can feel it and after 2 I'm on my way to getting drunk. Despite knowing this I continue to drink ridiculous amounts as the house slowly fills with more people and before I know it I'm doing cheerleading stunts out front with Dave, another guy and Steph as the flyer. This is not a good idea but somehow we pull off twists, extensions, and single basing without incident.

Already not fit for walking very far we finally make it into town and a couple of bars later we get to the gay area and meet some of the cheerleaders a
nd namely, the coach. OK, I've liked the coach since I met him, yeah I also like someone else on the squad but it actually isn't impossible to like 2 people at the same time! Anyway, the 2 that I like just happen to be exes so I shouldn't get involved to avoid a messy situation, right? Well, about 5 minutes into meeting up with the coach - I'm so drunk by this stage I can't remember how things happened - we're kissing against the bar. I'm suddenly telling him I like him and he keeps pushing me away. Miffed, but very drunk I do not get the hint and keep going back for more. Moving around a couple of bars we end up in my old haunt - my first gay bar, where my first kiss happened, and the toilet incident. I think I was acting a bit outrageous to be honest because I remember grinding with the coach loads and just being a bit inappropriate. I can't really remember if he enjoyed it or not! The night unfolds and after much more dancing and attempted kissing it's time to go home and I'm being dragged away.

I don't leave, however, before we run into the other guy that I like off the cheerleading squad. We start talking and he says to me 'I hope you know how much of a dick Dave is.' Bewildered I think I actually say something super intellectual like 'Huh?' The rest of the conversat
ion goes like this:

'Well you do know that we had sex? Don't you?'

'I'm sorry, what?'

'Well he kept saying to me how much you'd pay to be in his position.'

'What?! He got with you knowing I liked you and then lied about it to my face!'

'Yeah. Don't trust him, he's not a nice person.'

(me starting to embarrassingly kinda half crying kinda half groaning in despair.) - Yep, I can remember that bit even though I wish I couldn't. In the end Dave himself comes to get me to leave and apparently I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone - I do not remember that bit. It's up to what seems like the only straight guy there - the guy that bases with me at cheer - to drag me away and I'm the perfect representation of drunken tears as we go get food, as we're eating the food, as we look for a taxi, in the taxi but by the time we get home I'm stumbling upstairs into bed thinking only of sleep.

The Aftermath
It's Friday morning, I'm feeling rough but Steph bursts into my room at 9 and is like 'Oh my God, you kissed the coach!' I'm not impressed by this arrival. She gets into bed next to me and we talk and I'm giddy cos I really like him and she's giddy because she's loving the thought of it. We don't talk about the Dave thing because she doesn't know but she leaves and Dave comes in and I confront him - he denies everything, I tell him I don't believe him, he leaves.

Feeling kinda bad, I'm taking the word of someone I barely know over one of my friends, I go downstairs to Steph's r
oom. As the house empties of people that stayed over it's just Dave, Steph and myself left. We talk, he denies everything. Both me and Steph tell him we believe him. I say I want to know the truth over anything else and that if it comes out that he's lying I'll be a thousand times more annoyed. He has so many opportunities to come clean bit doesn't - just sits in silence. Neither Steph nor I believe him but we don't say anything. He leaves when his boyfriend comes over.

Steph and I talk and I explain that it's not the fact that it happened that annoys me - it's the fact that he's lying about it. I say that he obviously did it with malicious intent from the things he said and the fact that he had no intention of going any further as he was trying to get together with Mr. Perfect (his current boyfriend) at that stage. I'm pissed off. As
of yesterday Dave still thought we believe him until I text him saying that I'd prefer it if we didn't speak for a while because I'm not cool with everything. I'm not and I don't think I can speak to him without getting angry. You do not lie to your friends, you just don't do it.

Steph gets a phone call on Friday though. It's from the coach. Steph being Steph plays things perfectly. She says all the right things about me and tells me everything later. It turns out that he was pushing me away because he doesn't want to jeopardize things with the squad and make things awkward and that if he'd given in he'd have taken me home. I'm giddy all over again - I really like him. He says he's sent me a Facebook message as well. I love Facebook at that moment. I check Facebook. It's short and sweet just asking how I am with a light hearted tone. I message back with an apology for being so drunk and say that I'd spoken to Steph and that the last thing I want to do is mess things up at cheerleading, Dave has done enough messing up already. He messages back thanking me for being cool and mature and I say that he shouldn't expect anything less.

The Plan
Seen as I'm not really speaking to Dave and half the squad pretty much detest him - they all know what's happened between me and him with the other guy involved but he's also messed about with a girl as well (he's bi-sexual remember). So, the plan would be to go to cheer on Monday separate from Dave - we usually arrive together with Steph - just to let people know I'm not OK with everything. Part 2 of the plan is to look amazing, just because that should be a part of every plan. I'm thinking a vest is the way to go or a tight t shirt with far too much effort put into my hair. Is it gonna be awkward? Are people gonna talk to me? Are people gonna be pissed off because I do in fact like 2 guys on the squad? Who knows, but I'm willing to brave it.

I'll let you know how it goes.
Back soon :)

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Time for a toilet break?


I think it's odd how sitting on the toilet can induce such deep thoughts. It seems a strange environment for ponderment. Well, I have been on the toilet today and I've been thinking a lot.

Posting just hasn't been on my mind recently. I apologise for that. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to post more often rather than actually just doing it. If I didn't worry about it I'd probably post e
very day - this is the exact same thing with my uni work. I need to really pull my socks up I'm thinking.

So, the Dave situation. Now I've got to know him I couldn't be less attracted to him at this point. He's actually starting to annoy me, his personality as a friend grates really badly against mine and I'm not sure if I can even deal with that. The other day, he slept in my bed and I just couldn't be doing with it. I was fidgety and restless and couldn't get comfortable with him there. Whatever spark was there has now definitely died and I'm kinda quite glad of that. In a sort of big headed, horrible person ki
nda way I sort of thing that I can maybe do better? Not that I wanted a relationship with him in the first place or anything but, is that bad? Nope, I'm not gonna feel bad about it, I'm treating it as the truth.

Apparently, according to my many sometimes reliable sources one of the guys from cheerleading is a bit interested in me. This however is not a good thing. The guy in question is pretty much best mates with one that I'm interested in. This means that he won't go anywhere near so as not to upset the one that likes me. Complicated as it seems it just means that no one's gonna touch me with a barge pole in that area of my life, apart from the one that likes me but, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole so I guess I'm just getting a taste of my own medicine.

Before I forget. I feel like shit. There's now a Mr. perfect in the me and Dave equation and I'm not liking it at all. Dave's got a new boyfriend and despite pretending that nothing has happened between us he's flauting him in my face. Normally I'd tell myself to stop being si
lly and move on but this perfect guy is just that - perfect. Almost uncomfortably attractive, after meeting him he's already won me over on personality as well and trust me, I'm not easily won over. I'm sorry to say this with maybe a slight tone of bitterness and jealousy but he's too good for Dave. Yeah ok, I'm a horrible person again. That's twice in this post. I think I'm being unnecessarily mean and not really thinking about what I'm saying but right this second I honestly believe it. This guy is nice, manly, good looking, normal, at ease with himself and as far as I know not annoying. Dave is nice, girly, ok looking, not normal, not at ease with himself and very annoying at times. Once I've put it like that they could in fact be a match made in heaven. I refuse to believe this relationship will last and if it does I wil probably eat my own arm in annoyance. I do not have any feelings for Dave at all just to make that clear. The aftereffects of once kinda liking him aren't something to rave about either. It's like waking up with a funny taste in my mouth and not being able to get rid of it all day.

Steph's been brilliant though. As she knows everything that happened she said that I'm right for feeling shit and that Dave is being a bit of dickhead. She said I could moan about it all day. I moaned for 5 minutes and then got bored and felt like I was keeping her from doing stuff. Eugh. He doesn't deserve a boyfriend! I do! Is the reason I don't have one because I'm a bad person? I think that may be the case taking into account how bad this post makes me look.

Anyway. Dave's birthday night out is tomorrow and we'll probably end up in a gay bar. He'll be showing off his new play-thing, I'll be slitting my wrists in the corner and everyone will be none the wiser. Is it time to stop whining? I am oh so fond of the whining so that'll be hard to let go of at least for another couple of weeks.

Anyway, after what seems like the millionth play of the new Craig David song 'Insomnia' I may actually climb into bed and sleep forever..

I'll keep you updated.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Round and round the Merry-Go-Round.


Hey.

In the spirit of keeping on top of things and blogging more often I've decided to just plain old make some time for it.

I feel strange. I've gone from 'Physical contact? I'm sorry, what now?' to 'How about a quickie in nightclub toilets' in the space of about a month and a half. I don't really understand how I've got here mentally. Maybe I haven't.

After being sure I had this post planned out in my head, now it comes down it it's not going too smoothly. I'm sat on my bed with my laptop listening to an old Radiohead album - Pablo Honey - and being all a bit too pensive. I think I'll take this total lack of content as an opportunity to write more about myself:

1. I'm in a constant battle with greasy skin and spots. I wash my face and take more care than most but I can't seem to shake the teenage skin. It may be because I am in fact still a teenager.

2. I'm about 5' 9", perhaps a bit taller. I kinda like my height. I'm not in any way 'hot' so my not too tall stature means that I can possibly make 'cute' work for me? That's probably only if I try really hard with my appearance mind.

3. I'd say I was fairly straight acting. I mean, I have been fooling people for years so my flame musn't be that bright.

4. I find myself with no money on too many occasions. I tell myself that I'm good at budgeting but find out that I'm probably the worst person in the world at it, try to teach myself a lesson in money management which then fools me into thinking I'm good at budgeting again and the cycle continues. You'd have thought I'd have learnt by now.

5. I'd say I was shy but I've become much much better at meeting new people as I've grown up. I've only ever been shy because I've not been comfortable being myself around people I've just met. This is still a bit of a problem but I just deal with it better now.

6. I think I can handle just about anything apart from a) being humiliated, b) a person losing respect for me. I generally believe that there are much worse things than people insulting you. That's nothing.

7. I sometimes think that people think I have no personality and I'm terrified of that. I'd rather people hated me than that.

8. I can be extremely nasty at times. Mostly it's deserved. If it isn't and it's someone I care about I feel absolutely awful about it for weeks.

9. I dwell on things too much, find it difficult to move on from bad events. I find it extremely easy to move on from good things though. I don't think I acknowledge good things in a normal way, I sort of use them to reinforce my mental stability so the bad doesn't bring everything crashing down.

10. I weigh about 145lbs. It's mostly muscle despite not doing much at the moment as the last couple of weeks of cheerleading have been hard. I think I'm actually growing a new back because my old one just wasn't good enough. That's definitely what it feels like anyway.

That was a fun list.

As a bit of an update and to add to the the unstructured mess this post has become, I told Anna that I'm gay the other day. The conversation was a short one which I hate. I'd rather people got everything out of their system and asked as many questions as they could think of. I knew this wouldn't happen with Anna though. She's so laid back she's pretty much horizontal. That doesn't mean that she has no questions though. I've had Steph on the case in an attempt to gossip and draw things out of her when I'm not around. It hasn't worked.

I'm also at the point where a small taste of a life that isn't sex-less has driven me to a bit of an obsession with getting a guy to myself. It's not like I wasn't obsessed before but now I have options it's increased about ten fold. There's this new guy at cheerleading. I'm using the term 'new' loosely as he's actually a veteran but just hasn't been to many this year. Apparently he's the coach's ex and he's kinda cute. He has piercings - I know right, unconventional for a cheerleader - and I've heard he's a really nice guy as well. A bit of a Facebook stalk has told me that we're into some of the same things and as far as I know he's single. The bad news to all this is that Dave also likes him so I may have a fight on my hands and seen as we've been from friends to more than friends to almost rivals (as that's pretty much what it's become lately) it could get a bit messy.

Over and out for now.

P.S. I'm using the numbering and relatively small paragraphs to warrant not putting pictures in. I'm feeling a bit lazy.


Monday, 20 October 2008

Get a room.


Hey.

This week has again been one to remember. Dave ended up cracking and telling Steph everything that's happened between us. Yeah I'd already told her but she acted surprised and couldn't understand how much nudging he needed to spill the beans. He then said to me that he wasn't ready to tell her at all because he's not even ready to be labelled as gay yet - despite ha
ving had a boyfriend. I got annoyed at that and told him to get over himself and just accept who he is. He didn't take that too kindly and maybe it was a bit insensitive but I said what I needed to say and things have been a bit weird since.

Right, to the juicy stuff. It's a bit of a corker but I'm not sure if that's for the righ
t reasons. So, with everyone gone home for the weekend except Dave, Anna (one of my housemates) and I we decide to go to a house party on Saturday night. It'd be a bit awkward if we weren't at least a bit wasted and with a mixture of cider, vodka sweets and sufficiently bad 90s music we we're halfway there. Finally getting ready to leave we get a taxi, arrive at the house party, realise how shit it is and how everyone else is in fancy dress and get in another taxi about half an hour later. We're a bit depressed at this stage. Both myself and Anna just want to go to bed, the shock of the bad house party has sobered us up just enough for us to realise that we haven't slept properly in a very long time. Dave however is ready to go out clubbing and says he wants us to have 'the best night of our lives'. A quick stop at home to pick up a few things and we're taking posey photos in a taxi on our way to a well known gay bar in town. Anna doesn't know I'm gay. I avoid the subject and pretend I have no idea where we're going.

We finally get there, stop
at a cash point and walk through the doors and the first thing Anna says is 'this is a fucking gay bar isn't it?!' and Dave is just like 'Erm, yeah, it kinda is.' I'm still avoiding the subject at this point. Shots, shots and more shots and we're ready to move on the another bar and end up just across the road at an almost empty place with a 'gay only' policy. Now I'm not the jealous type but Dave kisses about 5 guys in a row in this place and seeing the look of obvious disgust on my face an older looking man comes over and starts talking to me. He says that I'm a really nice looking lad and that he can't believe that Dave's just fucked me off for a load of other guys. He tells me that I can do much better, that he's a shit dancer and that I should forget about him and move on. At the time this means the world to me. I'm drunk in a bar watching someone I like and know likes me getting loads of attention so yeah, that pep talk helped a lot. How this man knew exactly what I was thinking though, is beyond me.

We again move bars to the place I got my first taste of gay nightlife with Haley. That seems like forever ago now despite only being in April. I've changed a lot since then
- a lot has happened. Dave continues to get attention and to be fair I act quite childish and make an effort to lose myself on the dance floor. It works. Not only do I lose them temporarily but I actually don't know where they are. I'm not in the right state of mind to care though. This guy starts talking to me, he's not all that attractive but I wouldn't have said no. I don't remember his name and I only remember his friend's name because he said she was called Leona like Leona Lewis. We do the whole superficial thing and get on quite well. He asks if I'm straight and I look at him scathingly and ask him what type of bar we're in. He laughs and tells me the amount of guys he hits on only to find that their girlfriends are stood next to them. The conversation flows.

We've been been talking for about 10 minutes and this other guy with no shirt on starts dancing with me. At first I'm kinda like 'well that was rude' because he interrupted us but I quickly forget about the other guy (this g
uy is without a shirt people!) and he gets bored and moves away. Mr. Shirtless and I sort of coyly dance around each other for a while so I decide to do a bit of an experiment and move slightly away. Sure enough he comes round and dances near me again. I'm excited. I don't know whether it's because he manages to pluck up the courage but he finally asks me if I'm not hot with my top on. I reply that I'm boiling and before I know it he's taking it off for me whilst my arms are in the air. He tucks it in my pants and I get a few wolf whistles which makes us both laugh. Again with the coy dancing but this time I make the next move - much to my own surprise. At a particularly basey bit of the song I grab him and we start grinding. He seems to enjoy it and it isn't long before we're kissing. Throughout the night he buys me drinks - water more than anything - and we kiss loads. He seems to know so many people so I ask him if he's from Liverpool or not. He says that he's not and that he's just travelled in from somewhere near Worcester and that he's staying at a friend's house. Slightly disappointed at the fact that there would be no further meet ups he then tells me that I can't go back with him for the night. I just want to express how hot this guy is. He has no top on and boy does he have the body for it. However, I'm not sure even now if I'd have spent the night with him if he'd have asked. I don't know. I don't really know where I'm at. My common sense and proper frame of mind say no but I don't know what wild drunken me would have done. In some respects I think I'm probably not ready to do something like that but other parts of me are rearing to go.

Anyway, there isn't an option here so that's not a problem. After saying things in my ear like 'You're so sexy', 'I can't believe I've got with you' and the like he then says 'This may sound a bit seedy but do you want a play in the toilets downstairs?' I've clearly played the cute card to death already with my responses to his previous comments so I say 'Nothing's too seedy' with a dangerous smile just to spice things up a bit. He leads me down to the toilets, we wait for a cubicle for what seems like hours and go in one in an extremely conspicuous manner. As soon as the door shuts the passion is cranked up a notch. We kiss frantically and he undoes my belt and pulls down my pants and starts to wank me off. I push his to the floor, take his hints, crouch down and go to town. He's gonna enjoy this if it kills me. As far as I know he does. We kiss some more and he sucks me off this time and then jacks me off again and I finish. I get down on my knees again to finish the job and he's getting closer and closer, starting to squirm and writhe about but literally just as he's about to blow a bouncer looks over the cubicle door and says 'Oi! Get out and get a hotel room!'. We get dressed - well, as dressed as we were before - run past the bouncer and disappear into the crowd feeling exhilarated.

Back upstairs he tells me 'Well that's a first. I've never been thrown out of toilets before!' I laugh and say something short and completely one brain cell-esque like 'Me neither'. We kiss some more as we dance but this time the boundaries are down and there is much
more groping than before. He puts my hand on his crotch and says 'This is what you're doing to me' whilst flashing his teeth. I can feel all too well what's there :p Just dancing with him and seeing the curve of his back give way to designer boxers drives me wild. I bite my lip in barely controlled lust so frequently I'm surprised it doesn't bleed. I also think I'm a good judge of character and I really do believe that he's a nice guy. The way he acts around me when we dance and how he kisses tell me that he does in fact think I'm attractive but also makes me feel respected. It's a nice notion but there's always the inevitable thought that I've just been taken in by his charm and well practised moves.

As the night draws to a close, just after 6, he tells me that he has to leave and thanks me for making the night 'so much fun'. I toss up asking him for his number but I'm clearly terrified of rejection and obviously want to play it cool - and anyway, I get the vibe that it's not on his mind as he does live fairly far away and I'm just a bit of fun. We kiss even more and both pull away but can't help kissing again but we finally manage it and he says his farewells and I say something unnecessarily ordinary like 'I guess I'll see you around' and try to accompany it with the cutest smile I can muster. He looks like he wants to say something else but I don't let him, turning away and melting into the crowd. A rather businesslike expression on my face, I put my top on and leave the club knowing full well that the battery on my phone has run out and that I have nowhere near enough money for a taxi. So, stepping out onto the street, a bit precariously - it's cobbled, I start the long early morning walk home.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Time to move on?


Hey.

Right, I'm going back to the original plan of getting with someone really hot. I'm obviously just that mature :p The past couple of days have not been much fun. I'm just feeling a bit worthless really. The furthest Dave has got to telling anyone about what happened is saying to Steph that we kissed. I'm sorry but that's just not good enough. Steph obviously knows everything because I told her but Dave doesn't know that she knows and should have told her by now. Is he ashamed? I really don't know what's going through his head.

He's been round at our house every night for the past week and still I'm getting nothing out of him. Whilst I was in the room he was having a heart-to-heart with Steph about his ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriends. I was lying on the bed dozing but heard everything. He said that he thinks he's straight and that his one and only boyfriend was just a blip in his life. Ahem when we've done stuff I haven't exactly had to work hard to get him hard so I'm ruling that one out. I know he's probably just confused but he can't just have me when he wants me and then be 'straight' the rest of the time. Life does not work like that.

Now I know this probably breaks all the friendship/relationship rules but he's kept badgering me asking why I was acting weird over the past couple of days (I didn't mean to act weird, I suppose my feelings shone through) so I told him what the deal was. He was so infuriatingly awful at helping the situation. I received a text yesterday saying:

"But you're cool though yeah? It was fun wasn't it? Don't be getting all weird with me now. Luv ya loads mate, you know I do!"

I wasn't impressed. That was after I unloaded my feelings onto him. Don't worry I didn't go crazy or anything, I made out that it was just me being silly and that I should just get over it. So nothing was talked about/solved at all, he's obviously still gonna try to keep on doing what he's doing - hence the original plan so he realises I'm not just there for him for the taking. Well one thing's for sure, I need to stop worrying about it. I'm not that bothered but he's holding all the cards and I admit, that doesn't suit me too well. I'm new at this though, I need advice. Comment, email, whatever.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Complications.


Hey.

I've been proper busy with uni recently, sorting module clashes out and the like, so I've not really had time to post and so much has happened! I'll try to keep it short but judging by my last couple of posts that's probably not gonna happen.

OK, this thing with Dave. He's been acting like a bit of a dick if I'm honest. He's not said a word to me about the other night and he's basically pretending nothing happened. I'm obviously playing it as cool as possible still and am acting like I'm not bothered. This is a lie - I seem to be doing that a lot nowadays. Whether we're alone or with people doesn't matter, he still acts exactly the same towards me. I mean I'm not bothered like I'm not going crazy or anything but I just think he's being a bit insensitive seen as he knows that it was the first time I've ever done anything with a guy. It'd be lovely if he could just spell out where I stan
d in all this. I know he still has feelings for his ex-boyfriend but whilst watching a movie he stroked my foot and led on my leg. He's either not really that into me or he knows how to deal with the situation as much as I do - not at all. I'm definitely giving off the 'I'm not that into you' vibe so maybe he's just picking up on that? I'm not meaning to as I really like him, I do and that night was... amazing, I just don't wanna look needy and obsessive. Yeah I know, the games we play. I should just tell him how I feel but that would involve actually showing emotion. Hmm, not sure about doing that.

Another thing to throw a spanner in the works is where I went on Monday evening - Cheerleading. Haha, I'm imagining all your faces at that. Yeah it's possibly the gayest thing in the world but do I look like I care?! Straight guys do it as well! Anyway, Steph's the veteran and apparently they're short of guys this year to do the lifting so she literally dragged Dave and me along. This was my first session and after being told that it was pretty much exactly like the film 'Bring It On' I was bricking it. I'm a natural born worrier so I'd thought up every possible worst case scenario even before walking into a hall full of people infinitely more attractive than me. As Dave had been once before he'd already looked to see if there were any hot guys and seemed fixated in one in particular. He enjoyed flaunting him in my face and it turned out that the hot guy was in our group with Dave, him and I as bases for Steph. It was loads of fun in the end, I absolutely loved it despite the scary bit of throwing a living person up in the air and
expecting to catch them and not break anything. It's just Dave was still acting infuriatingly cocky but nonchalant and flirting with every guy there, apart from me of course. Now there are a couple of guys I'd go for on the squad and we're all having a night out tomorrow night and dressing up as cavemen. I think the plan is to make my outfit as revealing as possible - verging on inappropriate - and flirting with some of them in front of Dave? Eugh, I feel like such a child planning things like that. More respectable plan - let things take their own course and stop caring so much.

------------------

Right. I confess, I wrote those 2 paragraphs quite a while ago. I know it sounds like a lie but I have actually not had chance to finish the post. I've either been absolutely shattered or doing something or someone's been in my room or I've been in someone's room etc. The usual. Last night was, a bit interesting. It was the AU night and me being a cheerleader as of Monday had to dress up as a caveman and go for a night out on the town. I wasn't all that drunk and there were shit bits where I realised that I was actually half naked in the middle of a dance floor but apart from that it was fun. It was kinda the night when I realised how messed up Dave actually is. He wouldn't tell anyone he was even bi-sexual and kept saying he was straight to the people we met and he hit on loads of girls I think just to try and prove it more than anything. For once it was me being honest about my sex
uality. I wasn't really bothered and let's face it, I was out with the cheerleaders, people were gonna start asking questions. I did meet a guy though seen as Dave was being a bit of a nob. He was cute and he liked me but I'm told he has a boyfriend so that's a dead end. Yes Dave saw us talking and as much as he would hate to admit it he was acting really jealous.

After the short taxi ride home we get back to the house, sit with our obligatory pizzas on our laps and pretty much crash out on Steph's bed. It's just me, Steph and Dave and compared to them I'm as sober as a judge. I bring my duvet down because there's not really room for 3 people in a single bed for proper sleep and if it's one thing I need it's sleep. Steph's dead to the world and Dave is stumbling about the room for no reason I can fathom. He tells me off for bringing my duvet down and marches upstairs to my bedroom with it and gets in. I also get in. This is when I find out that he may have taken something during the night. He tells me that one of the many girls he kissed gave him something and he doesn't tell me what it was. Suffice to say, he is pretty much out of his head. We cuddle for a bit but soon enough he grabs my hair and we start kissing - I know what's coming. He manoeuvres around so that I'm on top and tries to force my head down. Despite thinking this is kinda rude it's not like I'm complaining so I willing take off his boxers and start doing the dirty work. It takes longer than last time but the result is the same, him writhing in pleasure and me feeling a little less satisfied. He does kinda half-heartedly j
ack me off whilst I'm giving him head but it's not nearly enough to get me off so after he's finished I take care of myself and he complains extensively at how it's all over his chest. I tell him to stop being a woman, he shuts up and we cuddle again. Now about half an hour in he hits the coming down stage. I don't know what he took but looking after him was not the best experience of my life. In between seeing wolves on the hill out of the window, in the room, on him, on me, he can't stop fidgeting or talking crap. This is not what I want at 5 oclock in the morning. I'm torn between leaving him to feel like shit and going to buy Lucozade from a nearby Tesco and staying to make sure he isn't a) sick on my floor and b) crazy enough to jump out the window. The prospect of cleaning up his mess in a hangovered state makes me stay - I can't think of anything worse. At about half 6 he starts to calm down and feel better and we cuddle some more and sleep. I sleep for about an hour, he sleeps for 3. I get up at half 9, avoid all mirrors/reflective surfaces, throw some clothes on and leave for my exam at 10. We don't really say a word to each other.

It makes me wonder if I actually do like him or just being with him. I'm pretty sure that's not the same thing. I love all the cuddles and rare attention and all that but do I actually like him? I don't really know. I've learnt a lot about him in the past couple of weeks and my opinion of him has changed from cool dude who is much more experienced than me and at ease with himself to someone who is not at ease with himself at all and probably has more issues than even I do. It's not a comforting thought. At the moment I'm sort of thinking that he's a stepping stone to better things. I mean I'm not saying I'm better than him but I at least deserve someone that actually wants to be with me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, a break in the story. I'm writing this on a different day.

Another strange development is that someone on Steph's course has recently come out to me. It's odd. I'm usually the person doing the coming out so to be on the other end was extremely bizzare. He messaged me on Facebook saying:

"
Hey! Hope you're feeling a bit better than the other night! I just thought Id message you on the off chance that you might want to go to the cinema or something with me sometime? No worries if not but please don’t say anything to anyone about this! x wb"

I was stunned. Despite not knowing how he knew I was gay I accepted his request to meet -not at the cinema though, I do not like him like that - and we did for lunch on Thursday. I was feeling rough after having an hours sleep and I looked like shit so I could've quite easily called it off but then I put myself in his shoes and turned up smelling of sweat from the night before covered up with too much deodorant. He was soooooo nervous which was sweet and he explained that no one knew apart from him and now me and that he was sure about it and has been for a while. I just tried to act as natural as possible to make him feel at ease. I hope I did a good job and didn't scare him into doing something rash. I think I might message him to make sure.

So yeah, it's been an eventful week. Maybe I might actually form a stable relationship in the future. Who knows? There are a couple of guys at cheerleading that are hot but none of them even look at me. This was probably not helped by my appearance on Thursday as I felt ill, couldn't really lift well and was sweating loads after Wednesday's messy affair. It was bad. Oh and I promise I'll start getting on top of things and will blog more often with less info. I've been having a bit of an overload because it seems I've stumbled across something approaching an actual life. I haven't been coping well :p

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Friday, 3 October 2008

What happens next?

WARNING: There will most likely be adult themes in this post. If you don't wanna read that kind of thing or think that it'd be inappropriate for your age reread another post instead and pretend that it's a brand spanking new one :p

Hey.

This is pretty much the climax of what's been happening over the past couple of weeks so it may be a long one, it depends how much detail I go into. I'm also gonna need advice as well, so those of you out there who think you know how I should play things do not hestitate to comment, it'll be greatly appreciated. More about that later though...

So it's Monday. After sitting watching TV in the kitchen for a while most of my housemates leave for bed as it's getting pretty late and we all have lectures in the morning - Uni officially started this week so there's gonna be less opportunity for partying. I tell myself that tonight's the night for telling Steph as she'll be alone in her room, I've not really had many chances for ages and I wanna get it over and done with as she witnessed the cuddling on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Call it 'clearing the air'. Anyway, I go up to my room and get ready for bed and because I know the time is near my breath gets short and I distract myself with things like tidying my room a bit. I go downstairs to get some water (her room's also on the ground floor) - stand outside her room for about 10 minutes wondering whether to knock, chicken out and finally go back upstairs. I sit on my bed for another 10 minutes and look out the window and then I go to the toilet which is again downstairs. I tell myself I'm gonna do it after I've finished that, do my stuff and stand outside her room for 10 minutes again. It's clear I'm not making any headway at this stage. I start to walk back upstairs, turn around and run back down and knock on her door. I think I did it this time because I wasn't thinking about it and didn't have time to talk myself out of it.

She answers sle
epily and tells me to come in. I say that I know it's late but ask her if I can have a word and my serious tone and obvious uncomfortable demeanour mean that she's wide awake and looking concerned in the next couple of seconds. I ask her if she can turn her fairy lights on, decide that it's too bright and then turn her en suite light on myself, closing the door so only a sliver of white can be seen. She tells me to sit down on her bed, takes my hands in hers and asks me what's wrong. At this point it looks like I'm hyperventilating so she grips my hands even harder and looks me in the eyes. I sort of say it in a round about way as my ability to say 'I'm gay' to someone for the first time has never really been up to scratch. I say that Dave and I have something in common. She say's she thinks she knows what I'm getting at but doesn't wanna guess in case she's wrong. I tell her it is what she's thinking and that I don't like girls. There, I've done it. She's absolutely perfect with the idea - I mean, she's in the cheerleading squad, she's gonna know a lot of gay guys - and we talk for the next couple of hours about how long I've known, who knows etc. you know, the usual stuff. It's not long before it feels like she's always known which is a true sign of a successful transition period. She then asks me when I'm gonna tell Dave. I tell her that I'll talk to him when I'm ready and then turn and say 'Maybe tomorrow?'. She screams in happiness at that and we hug for about 5 minutes. With many exclamations of, 'I'm so glad you told me, I feel honoured and really special...' I'm acutely aware of how late it is - about 3 am. So we hug once more and I get up and go to bed feeling brilliantly satisfied and content.

It's Tuesday. The evening has come round again and Steph's been giving me meaningful looks all day. Much to my surprise and delight, Dave makes an appearance and stays the rest of the evening. It's been a weird with him recently, we've not connected as much as we have the past week and I'm not sure why. Everyone is tired as it gets later so it's just left with Dave and myself outside in the cold whilst he smokes. Out of the blue Dave asks me if I wanna stay at his as neither him nor I have lectures the following day. I kinda joke around a bit saying that it's obviously a fake invite and he doesn't actually want me there at all. He keeps saying that he does so reluctantly I accept and go and get my shoes whilst he orders a taxi. It's not far to his flat but walking would mean potential rape/murder. It's not the nicest of areas.

Whilst I'm getting ready I'm doing the whole 'not really thinking about the situation because if I did actually deal with it in my brain I'd probably fall on the floor and die' thing. I'm extremely successful at this and before I know it we're getting out of the taxi and trudging up to his flat whilst trying desperately not to wake his flatmates. In his room I play the typical guest, look around politely, ask him what things are/who he's with in the photos on the wall. He shows me photos of his ex-boyfriend and this sends shivers down my spine a bit because he's uncomfortably good looking. This kinda twists the knife that Dave's out of my league but I push that thought aside and we settle down to watch some TV, him on his bed, me on his chair. I don't really know what makes me do it but I tell myself that it's now or never and ask him to turn off the lights. This is me being a complete wuss but I do it anyway. He asks me why and I just tell him to do it. He doesn't so I get up to do it myself, I can't find the switch for one and with shortness of breath returning tell him to do it. He sees the look on my face and complies, you'd think I'd be used to telling people by now. So him on his bed and me hiding behind a huge hot water bottle on his chair, I tell him. Yep it's in another round about way and he doesn't get it for ages so I start to get irritated and am just like 'Just think about what I'm trying to tell you!' He does in fact finally understand and says, 'Why didn't you just tell me? It's me. You shouldn't be so nervous!'

We talk for hours about it, sharing experiences. He keeps saying things like 'I'm kinda glad to be honest' and 'I can't believe I've got such a sound gay mate!' which my forever sk
eptical/cynical personality doesn't let me believe and makes me think he's just saying it to be nice. He says he's been with 9 girls and 1 guy - the guy being most recent - because he's apparently bi-sexual. I'm not one to judge but I think he's just gay and was just in denial. He does admit he was in denial and has known since he was about 13 but still maintains that he's bi. I've known since about year 11 and have never been in denial. Oh, I forgot to mention, he's 22. He seems old to my tender age of 19 and looking at all his photos it shows. He's done so much in his life and seen so many things because he took a couple of years out before going to uni and has had a full time job, travelled the world, the works. I'm a bit humbled by it all.

OK, so we talk for a long time but it gets later than late and I'm falling alseep on h
is chair. He nudges me with his foot and tells me to get into his bed, I play it cool and ask him where his bathroom is. He shows me and I wash my face, check myself in the mirror and go back to his room. He asks me if I want a vest to sleep in, I confirm and he pulls out the smallest tightest vest ever. It barely fits and he's taller than me so I have no idea how he gets it on. I climb into his bed with the hot water bottle after taking off my socks. My jeans are still on. He immediately scoots over and starts cuddling me. The truth is, I'm terrified but just kinda push everything to the back off my mind and try to not think at all. We watch TV for a bit and he scolds me for having the hot water bottle and then for keeping my jeans on. Still scared I get rid of the bottle allowing him to get closer but keep my jeans on saying I'm cold. It's a lie. After about half an hour he sparks up next to me and I take this opportunity to finally get rid of the jeans. I know there's no going back.

So it's me in the tightest boxers and vest ever and him in the same but not quite so tight. He finishes his cigarette and we start cuddling again. It gets to the point where we're not really watching the TV anymore and we end up face-to-face and he starts to lightly kiss m
e. This inevitably gets more heated and we start dry humping each other. I get the same rush as last week with the guy in the club but this time it's obviously much more intense. His hand keeps wandering down to my boxers and I'm not really sure if I'm ready so I keep redirecting it onto my back. Despite this he persits so yeah, I give in. He starts jacking me off whilst we kiss and he rolls on top of me and kisses down my body which tickles so I laugh. He then starts sucking me off and it feels good. I say good and not amazing there because he wasn't brilliant. Yeah I've got nothing to compare it to but I wasn't writhing about in ecstasy or anything. It did feel really good though. I don't know if he gets bored or if giving blow jobs isn't really his thing but after a couple of minutes he comes back and we start kissing whilst he jacks me off again.

After a bit I decide to take the plunge. I say something unecessarily cheesy like, 'Do you want yours taking care of?' roll him over and get on down there. At first I'm like 'Ahhh, what do I do?' but I've watched enough porn and read enough articles to know what constitutes giving good head. So I do my thing and pretty soon he's writhing around and saying things like 'Oh my god. You're sucking amazing...' I'm impressed with my abilities. I tease him a bit, I know where all the sensitive areas are and I occassionally try to take it as deep as I can which he loves. Not too much time later he does the whole, 'I'm gonna come' thing but I don't pull away soon enough so I get quite a lot in my mouth. Yeah ok, we weren't wearing condoms for all you worriers out there, but I'm pretty sure he's clean as he's done nothing but monogamy and he says he is, I believe him and I also know that I don't have any cuts/sores in my mouth so the chances of an STI are pretty slim. After he finishes he pulls me back up and we kiss some more. He says he can taste it in my mouth so I offer to go and wash it out like an idiot. He tells me not to but that I'm cute for offering, we kiss for a while longer and end up falling asleep in a position which is probably gonna hurt in the morning. I don't care. I don't even care too much that he didn't get me off. I'd be more worried if I couldn't get him off and that wasn't the case and if he'd perservered with what he was doing I would have eventually come so there are no problems there either.

It was probably about 5 in the morning once we'd finished and fallen asleep so we stay in bed until about 2 and only get up be
cause we have things to do. We decide to go into town and the day is awful for a few reasons. He's acting differently. I'm acting differently but that's only because he's acting differently. Thinking back I should have been more flirty but I was trying to play it as cool as possible from the moment we got up and throughout the day. I act like it wasn't a big deal, like I'm not really bothered/excited/changed/overwhelmed by it all. This was a lie. We walk into the centre of Liverpool to see the new shops that had opened and not only does he look perfect and I look awful but it's also raining and he has a waterproof coat on with a hood and I'm wearing no such coat making me look even worse. We still have fun but I'm holding back too much, I think he may be taking my 'play it the most cool ever' act to be 'I'm not actually that interested in you'. I don't really know.

The past couple of days have made me a bit annoyed. He's called once to ask
me something trivial and I've texted him a couple of times, he hasn't texted back. Don't worry, I haven't been needy or anything I've just asked him how he was feeling because he's been coming down with a cold which he's given to me as well. At the risk of sounding like someone that's obssessing over something stupid and being ridiculous, it just annoys me that he knows that it was the first time I've ever done anything with a guy and not bothered to contact me. I'd just like to know where I stand. I don't really care if he doesn't actually like me. I mean I'm not sure if he does or not, he said a lot of heat of the moment things like 'I think you're really hot' and 'I really like you' but as yet I have not seen proof of that in the light of day. I also wouldn't care if he liked me but didn't want anything serious. To tell you the truth I'm just starting out at this, I don't want anything serious. I'd just like to know where I stand. What should I do everyone? Comments will be more than welcome. I also asked him what he wanted me to say to Steph about it all and he's told me that I should just tell her that I told him I was gay and we talked. That's what I've done. The only people I have told are Amy and Haley, and now you readers of course.

As if matching my mood the weather over the past few days has been unpredictable, dark, rainy, unforgiving... Last night I decided to forget about it all and become a normal person again, not a paranoid wreck and this morning I woke up to blue skies. I can still see a cluster of black clouds on the horizon though.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Excitement and Uncertainty.

Hey.

This is kind of a continuation of the last post and it's a bit juicy. Well, juicy by my standards anyway and I'm trying to stop myself getting too excited. Seen as the last post was maybe a bit of a chore to read due to the length I'm gonna split this one into sections so it looks more inviting.

The Rave
As I said in the last post I went to a 'rave' on Saturday night. It was me, Dave, Steph and Steph's friend from home dancing as if our lives depended on it from about 11 till half 4. I loved every second of it. There were DJs there such as Eric Prydz who was amazing and although the tickets were quite expensive it was well worth it. Steph has made me into a full on dance music convert so I had the time of my life. The night consisted of us dancing, getting water, drinking water, drinking booze and me accompanying Dave on frequent trips to the courtyard for a smoke. We talked loads and had so much fun, did I mention we had fun? and it was really the first time I'd seen what was underneath the extremely extrovert exterior. There was no one really about to be confident to so he was honest and real and it made me like him even more.

The Aftermath
Leaving the club at about 4:30am we head up the road in search of a taxi, can't find one so we decide to walk home. It's not too far and not the coldest of nights so it's not long before we stumble into the kitchen trying but failing to be quiet. Drunk, high and tired we move one of the sofas from the kitchen into Steph's room and it ends up being Steph, Dave and myself in a bed with Steph's friend on the sofa. Yeah, it's a bit of a squash but Dave is lying next to me so I'm loving it. I don't know if it's because I'm not really of my own mind but we start cuddling about 3 hours after getting in. It's more him that initiates it but of course, I reciprocate and it literally lasts the whole night. I'm so out of it though that I don't really appreciate it for what it is which I'm scolding myself now for.

I don't really know what's going through his head though. I mean, I don't think he thinks I'm gay, I think maybe he's just that out of it that he just wants someone to cuddle, doesn't really care who it is. He's actually perfect despite that, he whispers in my ear things that make me feel special and holds me tight saying that he'll protect me. This is exactly what I want. He feels that my heart's racing at some unknown point in the night and asks me if I'm ok, I reply that I am and he asks me if I have a hard-on. I reply that I don't as calmly as possible. It's a lie. I make sure his hands don't travel down that far just in case. Loads of my flat mates come in at various points of the morning and see what we're doing but don't seem shocked or surprised, they don't really say much. Even in my mind altered state I'm still worried about this. We get up late late in the day on Sunday and Steph's friend goes to the train station and Dave eventually leaves. I don't quite know what to think of it all.

The Plan
Play it as cool as possible. I'm gonna do the whole 'nothing happened' act and see how it goes. He's the type that doesn't betray his feelings at the time but I know he tells Steph a lot so I'll drag it out of her when he's not about. I really like him and there's a chance he may like me too. That has never happened to me before. I am planning on telling him that I'm gay, whether it's now or later. I'll probably tell Steph first and then find out what she thinks of it all. What will happen if I tell him? I have no idea. He may lose interest and only enjoy wanting something that he can't have. I'm worried about that. I want more than anything to have him as a friend so I'm gonna try my best not to put pressure on him to want to be with me. Whatever happens, I want him in my life.

Thanks for reading.
Back soon.

P.S. I have a bit of a back-log of posts. The Internet has being working on and off here so I've been having to go to the library to access blogger and put up what I've already written offline. This is a bit of a chore but it's gonna be worth it. I do in fact know what happens next in the saga as this is Wednesday and I'm talking about Saturday and Sunday. Since then a lot has happened and I'll post it all once this one has been up for a bit. Stay tuned.

Monday, 29 September 2008

A time for firsts.


Hey.

These past couple of days have been somewhat... eventful but before we get into that there's something I'm a bit bewildered about. I was talking to one of my housemates, Dan, about his perfect woman based purely on looks. We got to talking about celebrities and I just casually asked him who he'd choose from out of a number of gorgeous movie stars/singers like Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie and he just kept repeating that he doesn't think of women like that and doesn't find any of them attractive. This was in front of his girlfriend so I don't know what she thought about it all but I know he's not gay, trust me I just know, so why is he like that? I think maybe it's a self esteem thing as he's not what I'd call the most attractive of men so maybe he's just blocked off that part of his brain and needs to actually get to know someone before finding them attractive. Hmm, weird.

Blogging has gone a bit out of the window recently and I apologise for that, it's just that it's been so hectic. It's the start of Freshers Week at our university so most second years have arrived early to join in the fun and with our house being a) close to the city centre and b) very close to uni, this has meant that the fun has had a habit of starting and stopping here at completely inappropriate times of the day. I've had a blast so far and it also means I've got a lot to write about which is all good.

OK, to the important stuff, and this is gonna be a long one so you better be sitting comfortably. What seems like ages ago,
on Saturday Haley came to visit. She was as straight talking, as outrageously flirty and as dangerously controversial as ever and my housemates, me especially, loved it. She's actually awesome - I love her. At that point it was just Anna, Dan and I in the house with their friends coming and going as they pleased so, at about 10, we start getting ready to go out and make the front door by about 11. It's a warm night so all I'm wearing are my new jeans which I absolutely love and a green shirt with the sleeves rolled up which has probably gotten too small for me but hugs my pecs like no other so yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. She's wearing a black corset, which pretty much puts her boobs on show, short shorts and flat boots so inevitably we get looks from everywhere as we walk down the hill into town but we laugh, ignore them and head for the street I'd scoped out on Google maps about 2 hours earlier.

I didn't really want a repeat of last time where we spent ages wandering i
n search of the gay area of Liverpool. We found it in the end but that part wasn't much fun. This time I thought I was prepared, we locate the street which leads to it all pretty quickly and set about looking for a specific bar. We don't find it and I wasn't sure about the other bars in the area as I'd not read much about them and some of them are just full of lesbians. I'm sounding like a bit of a control freak but I didn't really wanna pay to get in somewhere, find out it was awful and have to leave with only £10 in my pocket to last the night. After walking on both sides of a street we give in and decide to just go to the bar we found last time she visited as we definitely knew where it was and what it was like. This is the second time I've entered a gay club in my life. I'm immediately surprised at how relaxed I feel, much more than last time when I thought I was hyperventilating and many trips to the bar later I'm fairly drunk and eyeing up some of the guys dancing around me. Either the standard is better or my standards have dropped but I think about 70% are hot.

Deeper into the night Haley says she's going out for a smoke and to find me a man and leaves. Now I absolutely hate the charity case 'I'm gonna find you a man' approach and that basically is how she deals with things but I go along with it and I'm wasted enough to dance on my own/with the wall/random people - I'm having fun. I start to notice this guy next to me giving m
e 'the eye' as Haley calls it. He's a bit shorter than me which I'm not too keen on but his perfect hair, smile, clothes and accessories mean that I'm instantly attracted. I don't know if it's because I'm staring at him or because I'd just been left alone or what but he leaves his two fag-hags and comes over. He's almost uncomfortably forward and aggressive and starts grinding against me. I mean, it's not like I don't like it it's just I've got about as much sexual experience as a twelve year old and I'm terrified of him noticing that I'm a bit too excited. That sounds as horrific in words as it did in my head but it is the truth after all. We grind for about 10 minutes and he's so into it he keeps pushing me backwards and for a guy that I'm generally bigger than that's quite impressive. He obviously wants complete body contact and I'm kinda freaked out by it - I feel like such an amateur. This is the first time a guy has been interested in me and acted on it.

He steps away after a bit and before I can really do anything about it he lifts up my shirt and checks me out and then shouts in my ear, 'Nice'. I'm a bit taken aback and don't really know what to do so I do the same to him saying, 'Sexy', and to be fair that's not really a lie, he does have a good body. It's
probably been about 15 minutes since Haley left me and I know that I'm a bit out of my depth but I just keep dancing and try to ignore how faint I'm feeling. I keep telling myself that it's stupid and I should be over this by now and I start to calm down. We sort of dance our way into a corner and he gives me some of his drink, pushes me against the wall and kisses me. This is my very first kiss with a guy. I'm kinda in shock at first but then I just let it happen and do what I've done so many times before with girls but it feels totally different. I'm not used to being really into the person that I kiss so I get the whole euphoric excitement by the bucket load this time, the type of feeling many other people my age are so used to. I love it.

In a cliched way it does feel like it lasts an eternity but in the end he pulls away and tells me that he's going to the toilet and t
hat I should wait for him. His fag-hags are still dancing by themselves nearby and he talks to them on the way past and they turn to look at me with blank, unassuming stares. About 2 minutes later, probably less as I have no concept of time at this point, Haley comes back and says that she's been talking to some guys outside so she drags me out the back entrance of the club and as much as I love her for it, it's a bit to my annoyance - I obviously want to wait for the guy and I didn't really want to tell her about it then. I don't really know why, maybe I wanted to keep the moment to myself for a bit as in my head, I'm making this into an unnecessarily big deal. We talk to guys outside for a bit but I'm clearly not interested in any of them and they know it so pretty soon we head back inside and into the club downstairs rather than the more bar type of venue upstairs, where he is. It doesn't really occur to me to go and find him, I sort of just let things happen and soon enough we both admit we're tired so I suggest we leave and then we get back to the house and it's over. I tell her what happened but as I do it just feels like a distant memory, like it didn't really happen to me.

Right, if you think y
ou may need a toilet break, a hot beverage maybe? Go now. Seriously, this is not the end so get some cushions and pad your back out a bit and carry on reading. Now then, on Sunday I meet Amy for a drink at a seedy pub's open mic night where her workmate is singing and I tell her everything and we have a good night as usual. We always have the best chats. So by Monday I've had little sleep two nights on the trot but a house full of people I barely know or haven't ever met, more of my housemates moving in and a table full of half empty bottles of booze tell me that Freshers Week has well and truly begun. Tiredness is never an excuse for not having fun. A bit of a house party going on at our house on Monday night led to yet another night out on the town and this is the interesting part, well interesting for me. One of Steph's friends from her course, we'll call him Dave, came round. Now I've met him before briefly and he's apparently bisexual and quite camp, but the thing is, I think I might really like him. Anyway, he came round for the house party, at this point I'd only met him once so I didn't really know him very well at all. When gay people are present I put on the 'perfect straight guy' act. I can't help it, it just happens. It's like my armour or something and I work hard to make sure that there are no chinks in it which they can exploit and expose me. I think I've had him fooled up to now though.

Back to the story, there's a lot of us in the house at the start, and a lot of us go into town but pretty soon people are dropping like flies as we move from club to club. We end up in a dirty club which plays kinda indie-pop tunes and sells strong alcohol and I look around and it's just me, Steph, Dave and another guy I'll call Luke. Dave keeps buying me shots of
this potent Italian stuff. I really can't remember the name of it but it was strong and we all got very drunk very fast. We go for a dance and Dave keeps squeezing my ass and saying things like, 'If you wanna do something no one would know...', and grinding with me etc. I don't believe this was because he thinks I'm in the closet I think it's just because he was wasted and didn't really know what he was doing or who with. Carrying on for the rest of the night he kept feeling my pecs and asking if I work out and all those kind of stuff. Yeah it was fun but I was a bit worried about Steph seeing so I obviously held back a lot.

Since then things have been a bit odd. He's been round at our house a lot as Steph is one of his best friends and at fir
st I found it hard work him being there as I felt I had to put an act on but I suppose I've got used to him as I've got to know him. He's really confident and fairly camp as I said but not in an off putting way and he's just generally fun to be with but you can actually have a chat with him as well. We went out on Wednesday as well after he came round for tea and we swapped numbers just in case we 'lost each other' and I got texts like 'Fitty. x' and things like that. After I came home to my room I found him in my bed and carefully climbed next to him on top of the duvet, top-to-tail. This would have probably turned out so much better if a guy I kinda hate pushed him out and got in himself and then farted all night. I know I'm probably just being played with, he probably only finds me attractive when he's drunk or even not at all, it's just a bit of fun to him, but getting to know him more I genuinely think that he values my company possibly more than my other housemates (apart from Steph of course). Just little things that he's said like, 'I was gutted you didn't turn up', after I didn't go out on Thursday night and the fact that he stole my sun glasses and wore them for a day have been strangely comforting. We've been supermarket shopping with Steph and Anna and had a laugh and last night when we all watched a film together he had his head on my shoulder when we were sharing a sofa. It took all my focus to keep my heartbeat slow and breathing steady :p. Ooh at this moment Long Blondes has just come on my playlist with their song 'Once and Never Again'. Maybe it's trying to tell me something...

Now I've been wanting to tell Steph that I'm gay for a while now but just not had the chance yet and I'm a pussy. So if I do I don't know what will happen. Even if nothing does with Dave she knows a lot of gay guys so I'm sure at least one will be blind enough to date me. I'm going to a huge rave tonight though with Dave and Steph so I'll see what happens with that/whether I'll get drunk enough to tell her. We'll just see. Yep I do realise this post is absolutely mega but it's like a weeks worth of goings on so I apologise! Maybe I should publish it in sections? I'll keep you updated when my Internet is working again as at the moment it is Saturday and I'm having to write this on Wordpad.

Thanks for reading.
Back very soon with much more.