Emotionally Detached.

Posting has admittedly been erratic at best recently. The reason being I've found it hard to drum up the motivation/inspiration to write a good post.

In all honesty, I feel a bit dead inside. It's like I'm waiting for something meaningful to provoke a strong emotional reaction. I'm sick of the usual, tired of the everyday.

It's Thursday the 5th, it's Dave's birthday. As predicted, the fireworks of Guy Fawkes Night have been shirked in favour of a night in 'gay town' (what we kids call the area of gay clubs in a city) with an unlikely group of his friends and some of their friends. Throughout most of the night I take refuge in the few I know well, rarely dipping into the polite superficial conversation needed for others. I'm just not in the mood - it's odd to think I actually make friends sometimes.

A few incidents of one of the group hitting on me and asking Dave if I'm a top or a bottom make me want to talk less to people. The guy in question is the most notorious player on the scene - I'd never go there. Moving on to the final club sees a few guys showing interest and that's when it hits me. Yeah some are attractive but I don't care. I literally don't care about getting with them. I don't think I'd get much enjoyment from it and I don't really care about their feelings. This applies in a big way to Mr. Six Doors Down as every time we slept together I felt like I was somewhere else. Completely not into it. Gone are the days where I used to run after guy who wasn't all that hot just because he showed interest. It's like I now need something more than just looks. I'm not sure what's happening here. Am I growing up?

This comes as a severe blow to my planned slaggy stage. Now I don't want to be in a relationship but it seems I won't just sleep with whoever either. I feel a bit lost. My internal engine, coughing and spluttering for a good while, has died once and for all and looks like it needs a vigorous kick start. The thing is though, I have no idea how I'm going to go about finding the increased emotional connection I so obviously crave. I feel like I'm singing the chorus of Leighton Meester's Somebody To Love and I want someone to sing Robin Thicke's part to me (to be fair I'd be happy with Robin Thicke singing anything to me - he's sexy as hell). These days it's got to the stage where I know too many people on the small Liverpool gay scene, personally or by reputation, and they in turn know everyone else. It's like it's impossible to meet someone you know nothing about, impossible to have a completely private relationship.

To complicated things I've been getting texts from an unknown number. The first one was 'Hey big boy x'. After me asking who the sender was and them refusing to tell me but instructing me to ring in five minutes saying that they had a 'surprise for me' I said I'd rather sleep through my hang over and haven't texted back since. I don't know who this person is but if they're trying to hit on me they're going the wrong way about it. The only lead I have is that the person keeps calling me 'Tommy' in the texts. The only person I can think who calls me Tommy is the coach. This is not good.

Emotionally Attached.

So I've been seeing a guy for a while now who lives about 6 doors down from me. After a few 'chats' where I've explained I don't want anything serious and that I'm not willing to be exclusive, he's argued extensively with me and said we should end it. Then he's come running back saying that he'll do everything on my terms. Each time this has happened I see a 'Danger' sign flashing in my head as he's obviously ignoring his true feelings and is going to get too involved which will inevitably lead to a mess when I end things. I previously thought he could handle it but:

It's Thursday. I'm due to go to a house party for Mr. Six Doors Down's housemate's birthday. I've already explained that I am in no way going as his 'guest' but of my own accord. He responds to this by pretty much ignoring me for about two hours. It gets to about half twelve and we all decide to move on into town (i.e. the party is awful) and suddenly he's showing attention again. I act a bit uninterested and decline his offers to buy me a drink in each of the bars we go in but I'm fairly at ease with the situation. This is until his mate comes over and starts insulting me and saying things like 'Everyone thinks you're just the posh boyfriend.' I know he's drunk and just trying to be funny but there are two very wrong things in that sentence. 1. I'm not posh - how would he know anyway, he's Irish. I think people get that impression cuz i'm nice and articulate, but my dad was a farmer and I'm a northerner born and bred, 2. He actually used the 'B' word. There are clearly some serious issues I need to deal with.

This is further emphasised by the fact his other mate come up to me and asks if we almost 'broke up' last week, referring to an argument we had. I carefully reminded her that you have to be together to break up, turned around and fought my way to the bar. Not a good start to the night. I'm still optimistic things will pick up as we move on to the gay bars.

I meet up with other people and have fun with them but I can always feel Mr. Six Doors Down's presence close by. It's making me uncomfortable. There are two potential people I could at least kiss or exchange numbers with but I feel like I shouldn't in front of him. In the after hours bar I'm talking to a guy and the owner of one of the clubs comes over and pulls me aside. It's the rival to the club I used to work at (yeah, used to) and he tells me he wants to buy me a drink and that he knows I'll go home with him. I politely refuse but he goes to the bar anyway. I follow him and tell the barman not to accept his money and I pay for it myself. He tries it on a couple more times so I make it clear that nothing's going to happen and leave.

Much to my surprise Mr Six Doors Down is stood outside by himself - waiting for me? He says we should get a taxi together and we do. We get out where we live and ok, this bit's a bit hazy but we have a massive argument. He says something which makes me angry and I end up literally screaming at him. So loud that people start turning their lights on and looking out their windows seen as it's around 5am. I'm not really sure what my counter argument is but it's a good one and shuts him up. We say we'll talk tomorrow and go our separate ways and I'm left feeling like an awful person.

Since then things have been a bit weird between us. I've clearly gone off him in a large way and he hasn't and therefore doesn't quite know how to deal with it. When we see each other out it's really awkward, made decidedly worse when he tries to kiss me and I back away. I don't really know how to deal with this.

Oopsy Daisy.

It's been a while, eleven days to be exact, since my last post because my life's been a bit crazy. I'm not really sure what's brought this craziness on but I haven't been home alone much at all.

I think the best song to describe me and my actions right now is Chipmunk's new song. In between flirting with other people's boyfriends at parties and drunkenly calling a guy that I know he's a slag when he tells me that he wants to be monogamous to me, I'm fast becoming the person your friends warn you about.

I can't say I'm overly bothered about this though as one thing I've always been is honest. In the past week I think I actually used the line 'The lyrcs of Taio Cruz' most recent song really apply to me right now, are you sure you still wanna do this?' This doesn't excuse all behaviour as you can't really say 'Yeah, I killed your family. I'm being honest about it though so it's fine...' Here it's more of a 'This is how things are and the state of mind I'm in. If you don't like it/if it's not what you want, then you don't have to get involved'. This usually doesn't simplify matters though as many guys seem to have hidden what they really want and look like they're gonna blame me when they get hurt.

The reason for this sudden plummet in general morals and loss of ability to treat guys well is something I can't really pin-point. Up to now my conscience has always been too strong and I've always been the one to be hung up (if you haven't noticed). I think those days are now over maybe owed to the fact that, once looking for a guy for a relationship, I'm now looking for THE guy. While my standards for sleeping with someone have probably gone down I would say the opposite has happened for being in a relationship with someone. I just hope that I don't amass too much of a reputation before I find Mr. Right or he may well pass me by.

More to follow.

Twilight.

"When you can live forever, what do you live for?"

I know it's a bit late to be jumping on the bandwagon but I watched the film Twilight for the first time last night and as much as I hate to admit it, I really did like it.

Hearing mixed reviews my hopes of it being fairly entertaining weren't high. I was expecting some unoriginal, superficial vampire story which I'd probably fall asleep in. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the performances of the main characters are excellent and the plot is, while obviously not the best ever, extremely easy to get involved in. There's one scene where Edward (Robert Pattinson) stares at Bella (Kristen Stewart) across the school car park. I want someone to look at me like that.

Ok, so maybe I'm a bit biased but the way Edward treats Bella is just captivating. He wants her so much it hurts. Yeah he wants her blood but it's portrayed so sensually that it's impossible not to feel the heat between them. I want someone to want me so much that it hurts. Stories like this slowly chip away at the cynicism, even realism, that tells me I'll never find true love.

Stop playing with my delirium.

I've been listening to this Ladyhawke song on repeat for about 2 hours straight now. I just feel like it applies somewhat well at the moment.

I've started to miss Ty. I was obviously more emotionally involved than I previously thought. This would be ok if it weren't for the fact that he's dealt with the situation in one of the worst ways possible, and if I'm honest, it's cutting me deep. His seemingly only method of communication with me these days is via all too public status updates on Facebook, his recent being:

"You treated me like a king then cut me down. Be seen or be silent, Lifes too short, deaths too long, And you were never worth it."

If you're gonna slate me please don't do it with Facebook and please be grammatically correct. Despite wanting to post on his wall with 'Hey! You're playing with my delirium' I refuse to engage him in this way. It's the lowest of the low and just serves to show how immature he can be at times. I hate the part of his personality that he projects on Facebook. It makes my blood boil and illustrates how I was never a real part of his life even when I was with him. I don't think he's ever gonna change and prioritise anyone in his life and for that I am sorry. He could potentially be quite a catch.

Apart from this I've been going through a bit of a mental crisis with the whole 'work environment'. This basically came to a head on Saturday night and thinking about it, my mind's made up. Finishing my shift as usual I walk into the office to collect my coat. In there is the single manager who hates my guts for absolutely no reason. He's clearly been watching me on CCTV all night and says that it makes no sense for PR staff to finish at 2 and tells me to go back out. This conversation follows:

"I can't I'm afraid, I've arranged to meet a friend."

"You said that last night."

(In an altogether annoyed tone) "No. It was my mate's Birthday last night, this is a different mate."

"I don't care. There are loads of people on the street which could be in the club. If you're not out there we're losing money."

"The people out there are all straight and going home. No amount of good PRing will change their minds at this time."

"Get back out there. If you don't, we'll go out of a business and no one, including you, will have a job."

(Not wanting to lose my wages) "I can give you another 15 minutes and that's it."

I know it sounds spoilt but I can't be treated like this when I've done nothing wrong. I accept he has a business to run but he's not even my boss and he can't impolitely tell me to stay just when my shift has ended. Who is he to question what I do outside of work hours?

This week I've seen 15 year-olds snort cocaine, had three of the barmen say they're gonna take me home and 'have their way with me' and seen one such barman get his penis out and wave it around in front of me when alone behind the bar. I get bad mouthed by the straight people on the street, touched up by the creepy old gay men and abused by most of the senior staff. I'm too innocent for this. I used to have a beautifully boring life with no comprehension of this kind of reality ever applying to me. I mean it's not like I can't deal with it all, I just don't want to have to. I think it's time I took a step back and got my head into gear.

For these reasons I've decided to work this week and then never go back.

Break-up.

Sunday night consisted of a quiet night in, a feel good film and a ridiculous amount of food. The company being Amy, the film being the old faithful - Bridget Jones' Diary and the food in the form of 2 large Dominos pizzas. Bliss.

The reason for this was because I broke up with Ty the previous day. Even though it needed to be done and was what I felt was best, that didn't make it any easier. I wanted to do it face-to-face but true to form he was too busy to even see me for the next week so I admitted I'd had enough over the phone.

We talked for a bit, well I talked at him, he was mostly silent which meant that I had to do the actually 'Let's end this...' It wasn't fun. He made me feel like I was the one who'd ruined everything somehow which made me kinda angry if I'm honest, even though I did cheat on him. He doesn't know that though and I think it'd just be mean to tell him.

Almost a direct result of the break-up (that, a few too many doubles and a club with many dark corners) I had sex with someone else last night. Can someone please explain to me why I'm such a slut all of a sudden? This guy's a friend of a friend who I've been kinda obsessed with for a while. He's absolutely beautiful and lives about six doors down. Convenient. He's invited me to go round tonight. I'm aware this has been a shit update but I'll keep you posted - literally - and do a better one soon.

Guilty. Zero guilt.

Ok. Get ready to lose any remaining respect you have for me.
I'm a cheat and the thing is, I don't even feel guilty about it.

It's Thursday. I'm working. Amy faithfully comes to see me near the start of my shift so I don't have to struggle through as much time on my own. It's fairly uneventful until Dave, Steph and Mr. Shirtless Barman come from their Hawaiian night out dressed in grass skirts, flower wreathes and wigs. It's a strange sight and talking to them for a bit provides some entertainment. They go into the club and out comes a guy I honestly don't recognise but who clearly recognises me. He comes over and the conversation goes something like this:

Him: "You don't recognise me do you?"

Me: "Yeah, of course I do." (Lie)

"My name's *name*. I spoke to you for a lengthy period last week."

(Clearly still drawing a blank) "Of course. Are you having a good night?"

"Better now I've seen you."

So we get talking. Well, he talks, I listen for about an hour. He's clearly drunk and during this time I discover he's liked me 'from afar' for a while and tried to flirt with me a couple of times but it hasn't worked. He's hot, I wonder why I can't remember him. He also gives me his life story about coming from a small town in Northern Ireland (sexy accent I might add) and thinking he was straight. This is all well and good but I don't really wanna hear it and continue doing my job and shouting drinks offers etc. to passersby. When it comes to the end of my shift he's difficult to shake. I walk in to collect my wages and get my coat and he follows me. A witty exchange follows and I convince him to go to a different club as I'll be going later.

I stay and have a bit of a dance with Steph and Dave and then move on to the next club to meet up with another group of people I know. I walk in and right in front of me is the hot guy from last Saturday. I'm a bit taken aback. It's so completely orchestrated. He knew I'd be working tonight and also knew I'd be going to this club afterwards. He's all over me and I'm suddenly running out of excuses why I shouldn't reciprocate - the fact that I have a boyfriend just briefly entering my head.

The following hours blur together and soon enough his friend comes over and says she's leaving. I ask him why he's not going with her and he says he wants to make his own way back but not too soon afterwards he asks if he can stay at mine. At first I say no but I have little will power these days and eventually get into a taxi with him. I explain that although we'll be sleeping in the same bed we are not, under any circumstances, gonna do anything.

We have sex.

After he leaves, in the morning, I know that I can never see him again. He'll always be the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with. I text him saying that I'm not over someone and that last night made me realise that it wouldn't be fair to him if we got into anything. He takes this well and says that I should call him when I'm over everything. I tell him I will.

Excuses time. I'm young and should have fun, things are obviously not working with Ty and I've decided to break things off when I next see him, I'm young, he was hot, I'm young, I'm a bad person.

Last night. I'm doing my usual work night ritual of drinking cider and getting ready whilst dancing to Cheryl Cole. I quickly check Facebook and am greeted with a status put up by the attractive barman who apparently 'melted' when he saw me. I'll call him MM for short and i know he'll be working:

"MM is getting ready for a night of sitting at my little paydesk engaging in whitty banter with the door men and spying on my fitty, bliss."

Overlooking the fact that he's spelt 'witty' wrong, this is again about me. My shift goes by without incident apart from the fact that I'm working with a new drag queen. I can only describe this experience as fabulously bizarre, one which I'll be repeating tonight. We'll see how it goes.